Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Found.

I left something out of my Christmas "recap" yesterday, but I thought it deserved it's own post.

Background: when you exit the freeway to go to my parent's house, you have to drive through an area that has more than its fair share of sketchiness.

We exited the freeway Christmas morning and what caught my eye?


Can you see that lovely gentleman in the corner of that scary apartment complex's doorway? He's urinating. Right next to a major intersection.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Christmas Recap.

Except not really.

I don't know what to do with myself in this weirdness. Nothing is happening at work between Christmas and New Years, but I have to be there. I am not speaking to the mall right now so I have been doing lots of internet shopping. I have actually started getting serious about this wedding planning BS.

I received lots of fantastic gifts for Christmas.

BUT I HAVE NO REAL HOUSEWIVES (on television).

And this breaks my heart.



In family news, my grandma told my half-sister that she shouldn't come to my wedding because she isn't a bridesmaid. My sister is 4o years old. And then my mother boxed with my nieces and nephew (ages 4 to 10).



sarah (signature)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Don't Know How to Put This, But I'm Kind of a Big Deal.

People know me.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

At least on the internet.

MODG and I were interviewed by the ladies over at BonBon Rose. You should probably check it out. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

I'm not saying this was on purpose, but they might have waited until the day before Christmas to post our interview for a reason and I have a sneaking suspicion that we were the only ones who were given the "no cussing warning" before we answered the questions.
sarah (signature)

Bah Humbug.


I hope you all have a meow-y Christmas!*


P.S. If the world ends tomorrow night, it's because I went to church. Apologies in advance.




*Reason 1,560 that cats are dumb: they make shitty Santas. But damnit if they don't make for funny puns.
sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That One Time I Yelled at An Old Man During the Holidays.

So remember how S is temporarily crippled?

Well, yesterday was his first day back at work. Thrilling, I know. I dropped him off at work with relatively little incident. After work, I went by his office to pick him up. I did everything I was supposed to...I called early to give him time to come down, I circled the block so I didn't cause congestion in front of the building, etc.

I circle around and see him exiting the elevator. I pull up to the curb, get out of the car and run around to open the door so he can get in. (Sidenote: there are some ghetto-ass people that loiter permanently outside of his building and a bunch of the commuter buses stop outside his building)

(Me frantically running to the rear passenger side to open the door for S, exiting the elevator ON CRUTCHES)
Random Old Man Wearing a Lanyard/ID Badge Around His Neck: You can't park there.
Me: I'm just picking someone up who is handicapped.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: Don't matter.
Me: He's right there.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: This is a loading zone.
Me: I'm loading A HANDICAP PERSON.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: They'll right* you a ticket.
(at this point ROMWaLIDBAHN is in my face/personal space)
Me: THEN CALL THE F*!%ING COPS!


So...yeah...Merry f*!%ing Christmas.







*This man was wearing a lanyard and being mean to someone helping a cripple. Even though it was verbal, I know he was thinking "right" instead of "write" because obviously he is not as intelligent as I am. Obviously. I hate MODG.
sarah (signature)

Monday, December 21, 2009

An Open Letter.

Dear Mariah Carey,

Can we please be honest with each other? I am not all you want for Christmas.

Knowing what I know about you, you are probably interested in another lodge in Aspen, some pictures of yourself, and something sparkly.

In honor of the holidays, let's start telling the truth. Santa hates liars.

Hugs,
sarah (signature)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Fun Fact Friday.

Wine club is not the same as wine night. Wine club is a group of girls who get together and pretend to know stuff about wine. Each month we choose a different type of wine and everyone brings a bottle and we "taste" them (and by taste I mean get drunk). Wine night is where I get together with the infamous Jen and we drink and sometimes eat pizza. This is what I call "hobbies."

Anyhow, last night was a success.

But today is the day you all have been waiting for...FUN FACT FRIDAY!

Let's get some things straight here...Fun Fact Friday is NOT to be confused with Confession Friday. Fun Fact Friday is the day you leave me interesting tidbits so we can all live our lives just a little bit smarter. Confession Friday is just what the name implies....you confess something on Friday (creative, no?).

Today's Fun Fact:

Ohio is the only state without a traditional state flag. They have a pennant instead. Ohio is weird.

Your turn.

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

FYI.

I am boycotting blogging for today.

Tomorrow I will be back with Fun Fact Friday. You people better bring your A-game.

Pray to the blogging gods that I am not too hung over tomorrow after wine club.


In the meantime, go tell MODG nice things. She has had a rough (read: bitchy) week.


sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

True Story.

Backstory: The dog is old and in his old age, he has gotten particularly ornery. Not mean at all, but very set in his ways and a little particular about things. He doesn't like to be interrupted when he's sleeping. He also has a habit of making sure everyone else in the house is awake if he has woken up. Lucky for everyone involved, he likes to wake up around 6:30 (even on Saturdays) and loves to breathe hot old dog breath in your face until you get up, so as a result I try and wake him up whenever I see him napping during the day/early evening.

MONDAY night...

Me (yelling...hence the ALL CAPS): JUNIOR! WAKE UP! IT'S TIME TO PARTY!
{ dog just lays there, ignoring me }
S: He's not listening. Mr. Junior knows it's Tuesday and it's time to be resting, not partying.
Me: { dramatic pause } Um, it's Monday.
S: { blank stare }


Maybe it is the pain medication?

sarah (signature)

Monday, December 14, 2009

My abs are so ripped up, I call it "The Situation"

Okay, so let's get down to business.

S had knee surgery on Friday (I know I mentioned it, but I feel like he would want me to mention it again for sympathy's sake...feel free to send him healing thoughts in the comments...he will LOVE it).

The bandages came off today during my lunch break (exciting stuff, I know) so I think we are on our way to walking again...can I get a hallelujah? HALLELUJAH!

The amazing part about all of this surgery nonsense is that I have had plenty of time to watch both episodes of Jersey Shore approximately 36 times each, allowing me to catch the subtle nuances of each of the characters.

(I also watch some Top Chef, but once again the wrong person won, so again that show is DEAD TO ME.)

Lucky for those of you who missed it, MTV replays things 165 times until you are certain your head will explode, so I have no doubt you will be able to see both episodes.

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle."

If you ain't Guido, you ain't shit. Remember that, people.


sarah (signature)

Oops.

Sorry to abandon you guys on Friday...

S decided to go have knee surgery so he could do something ridiculous like walk more comfortably (I know, he's totally selfish!).

I will be back later with a real live post. Keep your pants on.

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Only in Texas.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Yesterday ended up being a great day, even if this year feels a lot older than last year.

As I had mentioned before, I got my birthday present over Thanksgiving (for those of you that had been asking it was a purse that I had been wanting...he surprised me when shopping...excellent move by S), and then yesterday S sent flowers at work, had some champagne when I got to his house (I'm shocked at the lack of hangover this morning) and we went to dinner here (I know it looks like a pretty random place, but it was authentically French and DELICIOUS).

Speaking of Paris...

(great segue, no?)

Only in Texas.



Welcome to Paris, Texas.

Per Wikipedia: "The city does not celebrate Bastille Day every July 14, though at one time local downtown merchants hosted Bastille Day sales. Local residents like the humorous slogan "Second Largest Paris in the World." (gosh, aren't Texans HILARIOUS?!?!) Following a tradition of American cities named Paris, a 65-foot replica of the Eiffel Tower was constructed in 1993. In 1998, presumably as a response to the 1993 construction of a 70-foot tower in Paris, Tennessee, the city placed a giant red cowboy hat atop the tower. The current tower is at least the second Eiffel Tower replica built in Paris; the first was constructed of wood and later destroyed by a tornado."

I really have nothing else to say about this. I will let the picture/Wikipedia speak for themselves.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I have not so surprising news...

My internet life partner, MODG, is better than all of you combined.

Want to know why? Go here and realize why you are TARDY FOR THE PARTY.

sarah (signature)

Found.


Yesterday after work I had to make my weekly Target run for Lean Cuisines/steam-in-bag vegetables (you don't have to tell me what an exciting life I lead) and I stumbled across this...

Briefs with cartoon characters...UNDEROOS...in the GROWN MEN'S SECTION.

sarah (signature)

Friday, December 4, 2009

You think you know...

...but you have no idea...

Who are you?
My name is Sarah (with an h...my parents were not lazy and neglectful in the naming process). I'm not trying to brag, but some have described me as "amaze balls," which makes me a pretty big deal. I live in Texas (sorta, but not really) by choice, but (not-so) secretly want four seasons.


What does your blog name mean...i mean really?
"a life more exciting..." is the partial title of my (still unwritten, but inevitably going to be best-selling) memoir.


What are your favorite things and your hate things?
Favorite things: S, champagne, Bravo TV, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, 48 Hours/Dateline/20/20/Snapped, macaroni & cheese, reality television of most sorts (except Survivor and Big Brother and anything on VH1), pictures of myself, celebrity gossip, books, fountain drinks, manicures

Hate things: germs, traffic, gum smackers, the show Law & Order, ugly people, cockroaches, humidity, halter tops, strangers on air planes who try and talk to you for the ENTIRE FLIGHT, vampires


How did you get to be so awesome?
It took years of preparation to become as awesome as I am now, but I truly believe I was born with this gift. Unfortunately, at this time there is no room in my schedule to instruct my readers on how to be like me. However, I have gone to great lengths to find a similar program that may meet all of your needs. It can be found HERE.


Who is S?
S is my better half/sidekick. He is very nice, but also doesn't trust me with the power of the internet so he doesn't want me to use his name. But to be honest, I don't know if we can really trust him to make decisions regarding the internet because he has dial-up and lacks a DVR (clearly can't be trusted).


Any special code of conduct for the blog?
Of course, with great power comes great responsibility, so please follow these rules:
- Here at ALME, compliments are gladly accepted. In fact, they are preferred. But since this is my blog and not yours (or anyone else's for that matter), please make sure to compliment me before you compliment anyone(thing) else.
- Comment often and comment early, but for the love of Ray J PLEASE have your comment pertain to something. No comments for the sake of commenting. When in doubt, please see the above listed rule.


Are you willing to get ordained online to become a wedding minister?
Absolutely. If you are interested in having me perform your wedding ceremony, please click the contact link above.



sarah (signature)

Fun Fact Friday: An Introduction.

In honor of my new layout (thanks, Ellie!), I am introducing a new segment every Friday called Fun Fact Friday!

(Can you feel the excitement? I can!)

Fun Fact Friday can include facts about anything. The topic that is my most favorite and the nearest and dearest in my heart is of course ME, so there will be lots of facts on that subject. But the floor is open to any other topics as well.

Feel free to chime in if you want, but what you say has to be a fun fact...not how cute/funny/gross/neat you think it is.

Got it? Good.


Fun Fact Friday: Your foot is the same length as the distance between your wrist and elbow.


Please wait until you get home to test this...or at least close the door to your office. I will not be held liable for your boss catching you in any compromising positions.

Happy Weekending!

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm Tardy for the Party.

Hey, it happens.

The good news is: I made it back from the Midwest in one piece.

The bad news is: my luggage did not and I am really tired and cranky and can't focus on getting anything done.

YEAH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

So, since everyone else has already talked about their Thanksgiving, I figure it's my turn to one up all of you.

Let's start with a full recap, shall we? We shall.

Tuesday night: Had trouble focusing on packing. May have had a melt down or 3. Struggled with packing while watching the Biggest Loser because I couldn't focus on either one. Get picked up by S and realize I forgot contacts. Have to go back to my house at nearly 11PM to get contacts while S downs NyQuil.

Wednesday: Wake up ass-early for the airport. Took 8 years to check our luggage. No security line. Get to St. Louis (Southworst tore my luggage) and rent a car (we are a pretty big deal, so we got upgraded to a Dodge Nitro...don't be jealous*). Checked into our Thanksgiving hotel that we always stay at. Got warm cookies (they saw our Nitro and realized we were VIPs**). Picked up some booze. Acted as a shuttle to take S's cousins to his brother's house. Drank booze.

It looks like an armored car, no?

(Sidenote: OMG. Don't you feel like you are there with us?)

Thursday: Wake up. Go to the gym in the hotel for 15 minutes. Get annoyed with some girl who wants to be all chatty on the treadmill (Dear treadmill chick, we aren't friends. Hugs, sarah). Eat one turkey lunch. Play Seinfeld Scene It? as a gesture in family bonding. Go to S's aunt's house. Drink booze. Eat some dip and then eat some turkey. Missed the Real Housewives of Orange County. Got to watch A&M play a game against Texas. Played Catch Phrase (the girls dominated the boys)...

...this is where it gets really good...

...Lord only knows what we are talking about and S announces to his family that I blog. He gives them the name of my blog. My future sister-in-law tries to Google it, but can't remember the name and I won't tell her (she told me she was a Master Googler and could find ANYTHING...I wanted her to earn her title). So then she goes in the other room and asks S and he tells her and she finds it.

(Sidenote: Hi future in-laws! Thanks for hosting Thanksgiving! So great to see you all!)

The good news is that my future mother and father-in-law only have dial-up internet and really don't ever get on the computer (I have never seen their computer but S insists they have one and an internet connection). And the people who heard S's blog announcement are the cousins (and his brothers) and I don't have to censor my content for them. Plus, I have never talked about them before so I didn't even have to go back and delete any old content. EVERYONE WINS!

Friday: Winery day. I gear up for this day all year. This year we went somewhere new. None of us can handle change very well, so I am pretty sure we are going back to the old place next year.

This fancy lady is not me. This picture was on the winery website. I have no idea why.

Saturday: Shopping. Got my birthday gift early (thanks, S!). Dinner party that night.

Sunday: Get home from the party at 1AM. Fire alarm goes off at 1:45 or 2. Jerks are lucky I wasn't asleep or HEADS WOULD HAVE ROLLED. Stand outside in the cold. Watch 6 firetrucks show up. Gawk at the hoosiers in the wedding party who pulled the fire alarm and try not to kill them with my stink eye. Wake up late because I was UP LATE BECAUSE OF THE FIRE ALARM. Let the desk know that because of this interruption, we will not be checking out on time. Back to Houston.

I think we all remember this.

Overall, the trip was a success. We had a great time. Met a cousin's new girlfriend. Drank a lot and stayed up way too late. This was the first Thanksgiving that I have gone to the StL and it didn't snow (that maybe gave me the sads).

I am the most excited about the fact that we FLEW this year as opposed to last year's ROAD TRIP FROM HELL. Actually, the drive up wasn't terrible, it was the trip home that made me want to die. I am pretty sure it wasn't any better for S who drove THE WHOLE 15 HOURS (that's a one-way trip...that he drove both ways) BY HIMSELF because he is a rockstar and I am a whiner and a terrible driver (I had the super important task of DJ).

Doesn't the dog look thrilled to be on our road trip last year?




*This is monumental because after the whole HHR debacle, S swore I would never be allowed to choose our rental again. And when the guy offered us the Nitro I said yes before S had a chance to decline.

**The Doubletree gives free warm cookies to everyone. One of the main reasons I insist we stay there every T-giving. S insists on it because it's "convenient."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Am I the only one who has seen this?

I know you guys are anxiously waiting my full recap of Thanksgiving. Please keep your pants on...it's coming at some point.

Did anyone else hear about this ad? Is it wrong that when I see it, I sort of giggle a little bit because damn that would be an awkward Thanksgiving.*



*I am not a vegan. And don't support PETA. Take your hatemail elsewhere.

FOUND.


...Except not so much found as much as had to evacuate the hotel at 2AM Sunday morning to stand in the cold because some jackass pulled the fire alarm. Awesome.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Special Post.


I was going to save this little gem for later, but I am being harassed in the comments of the last post for being lazy.

Thursday is a very special day. I'm not talking about Indians and Pilgrims and the Mayflower and all that jazz. I am talking about the birthday of everyone's second favorite blogger...

MARTINIS OR DIAPER GENIES?

(No, I am not asking if it is her birthday. It's the name of her damn blog.)

Some possible birthday gifts for MODG:
- Depends (she has shit herself before and old age probably isn't going to make that go away any time soon)

- bootleg copies of the previous seasons of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team (Netflix doesn't carry them...she checked)
- an autographed picture of Suri Cruise

- kitty wigs



Since I figure most of you people are like me and unlikely to spend your Thanksgiving blogging or reading blogs (or maybe you are...what the the hell do I know), leave her some birthday wishes in the comments*.






*And please leave birthday wishes. Don't tell me how silly the pictures are or how you wish your cat had a wig unless you are ALSO leaving birthday love. Trust me, MODG is a mean bitch. She will come after us all.

Try Not To Miss Me.

I have so much to say today, but none of it is really cohesive, so deal with it.

- We took our engagement pictures this weekend. I have no idea how they went. My facial expressions varied between maniacal smiling and scowling (I haven't seen the proofs, the photographer just kept saying "don't look so angry" repeatedly). I didn't take most of your advice on shoes. I went with the gold ones mainly because I am awesome and they sparkled. S says I can't publish them on the blog. If this upsets you, please direct your complaints to him, not me. Maybe if you guys show him how mad you are, he will change his mind, but maybe not. It would probably be best to leave him compliments (boys are easy to persuade).

- Last night, the Houston Texans played a football game on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. I say this in all caps because apparently I am supposed to care about this. I do not care about the NFL. What I do care about is the fact that they creates ridiculous traffic problems all over the city causing my one week of work that is supposed to be TRAFFIC FREE to be a TOTAL EFFING NIGHTMARE. I was surrounded by people in jerseys in traffic and I didn't like it one bit.

- This is my last day posting for the week. It's okay if this gives you the sads. It happens to most people when they know I won't be around. The good news for me is that this is my last day of work for the week and I am off to Missoura (I know it has an "i" at the end, but that's how all the hoosiers say it...I'm trying to get into the spirit of the state) until Sunday. AND WE ARE FLYING THIS YEAR (sidenote: last year I got the GENIUS idea to drive and S who never listens to me, listened to me and it sucked...actually the ride up didn't suck but the ride home was AWFUL). Lord knows I will come back with some stories.

In the meantime, leave your favorite Thanksgiving memory in the comments. (I will even leave the very first comment for you guys to show you how it's done. You're welcome.)

Monday, November 23, 2009

BECAUSE IT'S MY BLOG. AND I CAN.

PANIC ATTACK.

So I woke up around 3:30 this morning and had a full-fledged panic attack.

Amazing. Except not really.

I had a dream that even once I woke up I swore was real...

In my dream, I was planning on wearing my mother's wedding dress. (In real life, I am not.) In the dream, the dress looked nothing like my mother's actual wedding dress, but I just knew it was her dress (dreams are tricky like that).

I was on my final fitting a week before the wedding and we realized that the flowy skirt wasn't actually a skirt...IT WAS PANTS!

I literally was sitting in my apartment this morning losing my shit until I realized...wait a minute...I just tried on my actual dress last week and it isn't my mother's. Duh!

And then I went back to sleep.




11 more months of this, people. Deal with it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Only Thing I Love More Than Complimenting Myself...

...Is Hearing Others Compliment Me...

...and getting blog awards is basically the same thing as people complimenting me IN A PUBLIC FORUM.

Seriously, you people know how to get in good with me.

First up, Miss Emily Anne gave me the Este Blog e Super Fofo award. Loosely translated (thank you 11 years of Spanish) means "This Blog is Super Flop" but when I clicked the picture to save it, the name that came up was "Super Cute Blog Award" which completely applies to me so I am going to take it as a good thing.


The next award given to me is from Cee over at Curiosity and it is "The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award" which just sounds fancy, so naturally she thought of me...



Whenever you get an award, you are supposed to follow the "award rules" but that's not really my style, so I am just going to leave you kids with some random factoids about moi...

- I am obsessed with Dateline, 20/20, Investigation Discovery, and 48 Hours. S has already forbidden me from watching Black Widow Week (about wives who kill their husbands, not the spiders) on ID next week.

- I am not interested in vampires (I have mentioned it before, but I feel like it needs to be repeated). I do love ghosts and aliens.

- I think cats are uninteresting pets. Unless you put wigs on them. Then I support it.

- I think Nickleback is the most terrible band ever. Followed very closely by Creed (one of S's FAVE bands).

- I love myself. Seriously. So if you want to leave me compliments in the comment section, feel free. If I get something really great, I may even brag about you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Magic and Other Awesomeness.

Last weekend I made the biggest mistake of my life when I went out drinking. No, I didn't drink & drive.

Instead, on Friday night, I decided to start ordering "alcoholic Shirley Temples." (For those of you that are wondering, this is basically vodka, and grenadine with a lime)

The result was a picture like this on the interwebs:

This photo really is on the internet somewhere other than this blog. I did you the favor of cropping out my bra strap.

And the WORST HANGOVER OF MY LIFE.

So then I convinced S to leave the house so we could go eat this:

So damn delicious. I am not even kidding. Not pictured, a diet coke from the fountain (a post-drinking MUST).

And then I was magically cured from my hangover. Temporarily. (later I barfed)



On to unrelated things, I have somehow gotten on the mailing list for a store called Journey's. This is intriguing because I have never in my life shopped at this store. Ever.

But like I said, I'm somehow on the mailing list. Lucky for them, I flip through just about every catalog that comes to my house and I found this:


I am not a t-shirt person. No real reason. It's just not something I wear unless I am at the gym or pretending that I just worked out or cleaning house. But this shirt is enough to make me want to change my ways.




Jesus, is it Friday yet?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

MOST. IMPORTANT. DECISION. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

Not really, but probably pretty close.

S and I are having our engagement pictures taken this Sunday. And because I am neurotic a planner, I have been going over my potential outfits for a couple of weeks now. The plan is to do some casual photos and then some dressier ones. Even better, I decided with a week to go before pictures, maybe I should watch what I eat and go to the gym. Strategy for success if I ever heard it.

I have the casual outfit in the bag. No question about it. Some trouser jeans, a sweater and some heels. Enthralling, I know.

The dressier outfit is a short black dress (you don't have to tell me how original that is) and one of two pairs of shoes.

And here is where you make THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF YOUR LIFE...

Which pair should I choose?

The first pair:



The second pair:



I also have some dark red (NOT burgundy) suede heels that are similar in shape to the leopard and are also under consideration.

Which should it be? Gold? Leopard? All of the above because they are both so fabulous? None of the above because they are tacky as hell?*


UPDATE: I am going to choose between two black dresses that are pretty similar (one hasn't arrived yet, but should be here today)...both are jersey** (but neither is casual...does that even make sense?).




*Please note, I may completely disregard whatever the hell you guys say, but that doesn't mean I don't care.

**Jersey as in cotton jersey. Not as in "Dirrrty Jersey."

Friday, November 13, 2009

Found (An Update).

I wanted to update my loyal readers on the mystery incident chronicled in my last edition of Found.

Per the request of one of my few stalkers followers that I know won't delete me just because I don't agree with her (even what she says is really dumb), I posted the following picture in the bathroom...



For a closer view...


So far no one has stepped forward to claim their missing corn. I will keep you all updated.

Happy Weekending.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

FOUND.

This was found yesterday afternoon in the ladies' restroom at my office (right by the toilet).

Your eyes are not deceiving you...that is a kernel of corn.

I am simultaneously freaked out by its presence and fascinated by how it got there (so of course I took a picture).

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Off to a good start...

Last night S and I had our first official marriage class. In said marriage class, we had to take our FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study) Couple Inventory (sounds official, no?)...

This test asks a bunch of questions...some pertinent (finances, children, religion), some awkward (homosexual tendencies, sexual preferences)...and it is your job to lie to make yourselves sound better be honest with yourself about your relationship.

The lady who leads the class (and who coincidentally is also the annulment coordinator) gave us strict instructions not to discuss the test or our answers until our tests were completed and we were out of the room.

After the test the following conversation occurs:
Me: *laughing* God! That test was so random! I told you they would ask about joint checking accounts!
S: Yeah. That was an exact question too! Did you answer honestly on all of them?
Me: For the most part. Some questions were worded a little weird though.
S: I answered with what I thought I were the right answers... *pause* ...except one I answered honestly... *dramatic pause*
Me: Uh oh.
S: Ha! I put that my partner watches too much TV.



So now I am going to have to discuss with a priest my Bravo/DCC addiction. Fantastic.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Utter. Deliciousness.

I would like to dedicate this post to whoever (whomever?) once Googled "cool exciting chicken dinners" and wound up on my site. Hopefully this time they will stay longer than a minute.

Disclaimer: I don't cook, nor do I play one on TV. I have no idea if this is the same recipe I am talking about, but it seems like it should be. Take any food related advice I give you with a grain of salt.

This weekend, pre-trick-or-treating joke telling, I had the most delicious dip ever created: Hot Wing Chicken Dip (capitalized because it deserves RESPECT).

I will warn you, SOME PEOPLE who don't like delicious combinations like cottage cheese and jalapeno chips, don't like this dip (*cough cough* S *cough cough*). But they also don't like guacamole, so in matters of dip, they should not be consulted.

Apparently it is for sale in grocery stores, although not in any grocery store I have called (yes, I may have spent Monday morning calling around...please don't judge).

So I did what I always do in these sorts of situations...I googled.

And I found the recipe*:

Hot Wing Chicken Dip - Lindsey's**
8oz Ranch dressing (I use Hidden Valley)
8oz Whipped cream cheese
8oz Hot Sauce(We like Budweiser's hot sauce)
4-5 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1. Cook Chicken(I just boiled mine)
2. Let cool and then shred
3. Mix everything together
4. Place in a 13x9 baking dish and bake on 350 until is is bubbling all over (about 20-30 minutes)
Serve with tortilla chips (I like the scoops...it is a chunky dip so these chips make it easier to eat)
This is a really good app.

This picture makes the dip look gross. It is not gross. It is AMAZING.


*Like I said, I have no idea if this is the same dip...I haven't tried to make it yet, so use at your own risk. But it did come from the Saint Peters Playgroup Cookbook (and S has been pulled over in Saint Peters) and the second time I had it this weekend was in Saint Peters, so I am guessing it's pretty legit. If not, blame Lindsey.

**I don't know Lindsey, but I tried to correct some of her glaring grammatical errors. Note to self: when submitting your recipe for publication in the neighborhood cookbook, use spell check.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why I Should Be A Cheerleader.

This post is in response to the one made by Amanda (of MODG "fame") and my attempt to beat her in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders googlers (this is serious stuff here people).

I will start with some background information...
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team is on CMT (and has been for SEVERAL seasons...get with it). How did I find a show on CMT you might ask? Great question. Part of my Secret Single Behavior is that I sometimes (when S is out of town, obviously) watch bad country music videos (I don't even like country music) and dance around his condo (this is not the time for judgment).

One day, while engaging in such behavior I saw a preview for DCC:MtT and was instantly fascinated. And my obsession was born.

Even better, it has replaced my previous SSB and now I watch DCC:MtT and dance around his condo practicing my routines (obviously).

This might just be my favorite show of all time (please don't tell Bravo I cheat on them with CMT...they would be devastated). First of all, it is about cheerleaders. Ladies, this is a surefire way to get your manfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever else on the reality TV bandwagon. They will not be able to resist. Also, this show provides ample opportunities to judge the shortcomings of others. Trust me.

And now for the reasons I would make a fantastic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (sidenote: the only football team I am interested in becoming a professional cheerleader for is Dallas. I am not a Cowboys fan or a fan of the NFL in general, but for this job, I would be willing to fake it):

1) My hair. I was born a blonde and I will die a blonde, even if it means taking matters into my own hands (and by my own, I mean a professional). Also, I'm not opposed to getting a weave (or using a Bump-It) to achieve maximum volume. Being beautiful isn't easy people. (Note to Amanda: don't worry, there are a few token brunettes...not too many though)

Yes, they show up like this to practice. But remember, you represent the DCC. You must always look your best.

2) Body fat percentage calculations. Day 2 of training camp they calculate your fat. I admit this might make me slightly more neurotic than usual. During this process you get asked lots of questions like, is this a comfortable weight for you? Is this a little heavier than you usually are? This is the one area where the DCC is not concerned with politeness. But can you blame them? Nobody likes a fatty.

This is Jay. He is the boot camp instructor. He was also on Wife Swap once. He will make sure you're not fat.

3) Last season they made a girl read a biography on Jackie O. so she could learn to be more graceful in her mannerisms (don't worry, she got cut). Lucky for the DCC, I am well versed in manners, even if I don't always use them. I can try my very best to keep all eye rolling and snarky comments to myself (until they turn around). And I won't even wear a black face costume (Editor's note: Thank you so much to the all-knowing MODG for alerting me to this news).

The girl with the curly hair is Megan. She got cut for not keeping her rude ass in check.

4) I would be absolutely amazing at Kelli and Judy's jobs. Amazing. Judging others harshly is one of the things that I do best. The only catch is that they were both former members of the DCC (which is how they got their positions). So basically, I need to get on the squad so I can move on to my ultimate goal of Team Director. (Fun fact: Kelli was asked back for her fifth season with the Cowboys by the director without even having to audition)

When you get called into the office. You are in trouble and probably about to get cut for being fat or not kicking high enough.

5) Experience with DCC has taught me that one of the most important things you can bring to the table as a member of the team is your high kick. The kick line is what they are known for. It is a classic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader move. I have plenty of experience high kicking, especially when I am drunk. If we are at a tailgate and I have been drinking heavily, you can almost guarantee that I will be working on my technique. It's a gift, really.

These bitches have nothing on me.

In short, all of the things that would have made me amazing in pageants (had my parents loved me enough to put me in them) would make me perfect for the DCC. See you all at try outs in Spring 2010.

Not just anyone can wear this uniform, ladies.

For those of you who asked...

...trick-or-treating while practicing your stand-up act goes something like this...

*Knock on the door*

Kids: "Trick or treat"
Candy person: "Happy Halloween, do you have a joke?"
And the kid tells the joke.

This is what the 3 1/2 year old dressed as Tigger brought to the table:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
*cue laughter*

Monday, November 2, 2009

Opinions Needed (Halloween Edition)

S and I spent Halloween in St. Louis trick-or-treating with some friends who have kids (don't be jealous). Here's my question:

Have you ever heard that you have to tell a joke when you get candy?

Is this a Midwest thing or a Missouri thing or just a St. Louis thing?

We never did anything like that in Houston. Maybe Houston missed the trend?

When we were kids, you said "trick or treat," you opened your candy bag and complete strangers gave you candy. No need for jokes. Trick or treating was not amateur hour.

Am I the only one who has never heard about this?




Sidenote: I have repeatedly tried to get S to rent a PT Cruiser when we go on trips (it's a matter of principle, people). He always refuses. Then this weekend, he had a lapse of judgment and allowed me to pick the car (something tells me this will never happen again). Here is what we spent the weekend in: