Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why I Should Be A Cheerleader.

This post is in response to the one made by Amanda (of MODG "fame") and my attempt to beat her in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders googlers (this is serious stuff here people).

I will start with some background information...
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team is on CMT (and has been for SEVERAL seasons...get with it). How did I find a show on CMT you might ask? Great question. Part of my Secret Single Behavior is that I sometimes (when S is out of town, obviously) watch bad country music videos (I don't even like country music) and dance around his condo (this is not the time for judgment).

One day, while engaging in such behavior I saw a preview for DCC:MtT and was instantly fascinated. And my obsession was born.

Even better, it has replaced my previous SSB and now I watch DCC:MtT and dance around his condo practicing my routines (obviously).

This might just be my favorite show of all time (please don't tell Bravo I cheat on them with CMT...they would be devastated). First of all, it is about cheerleaders. Ladies, this is a surefire way to get your manfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever else on the reality TV bandwagon. They will not be able to resist. Also, this show provides ample opportunities to judge the shortcomings of others. Trust me.

And now for the reasons I would make a fantastic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (sidenote: the only football team I am interested in becoming a professional cheerleader for is Dallas. I am not a Cowboys fan or a fan of the NFL in general, but for this job, I would be willing to fake it):

1) My hair. I was born a blonde and I will die a blonde, even if it means taking matters into my own hands (and by my own, I mean a professional). Also, I'm not opposed to getting a weave (or using a Bump-It) to achieve maximum volume. Being beautiful isn't easy people. (Note to Amanda: don't worry, there are a few token brunettes...not too many though)

Yes, they show up like this to practice. But remember, you represent the DCC. You must always look your best.

2) Body fat percentage calculations. Day 2 of training camp they calculate your fat. I admit this might make me slightly more neurotic than usual. During this process you get asked lots of questions like, is this a comfortable weight for you? Is this a little heavier than you usually are? This is the one area where the DCC is not concerned with politeness. But can you blame them? Nobody likes a fatty.

This is Jay. He is the boot camp instructor. He was also on Wife Swap once. He will make sure you're not fat.

3) Last season they made a girl read a biography on Jackie O. so she could learn to be more graceful in her mannerisms (don't worry, she got cut). Lucky for the DCC, I am well versed in manners, even if I don't always use them. I can try my very best to keep all eye rolling and snarky comments to myself (until they turn around). And I won't even wear a black face costume (Editor's note: Thank you so much to the all-knowing MODG for alerting me to this news).

The girl with the curly hair is Megan. She got cut for not keeping her rude ass in check.

4) I would be absolutely amazing at Kelli and Judy's jobs. Amazing. Judging others harshly is one of the things that I do best. The only catch is that they were both former members of the DCC (which is how they got their positions). So basically, I need to get on the squad so I can move on to my ultimate goal of Team Director. (Fun fact: Kelli was asked back for her fifth season with the Cowboys by the director without even having to audition)

When you get called into the office. You are in trouble and probably about to get cut for being fat or not kicking high enough.

5) Experience with DCC has taught me that one of the most important things you can bring to the table as a member of the team is your high kick. The kick line is what they are known for. It is a classic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader move. I have plenty of experience high kicking, especially when I am drunk. If we are at a tailgate and I have been drinking heavily, you can almost guarantee that I will be working on my technique. It's a gift, really.

These bitches have nothing on me.

In short, all of the things that would have made me amazing in pageants (had my parents loved me enough to put me in them) would make me perfect for the DCC. See you all at try outs in Spring 2010.

Not just anyone can wear this uniform, ladies.

23 comments:

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

1) Credit me for your black face comment.
2) You KNOW the coaches faces are droopy from all that bouncing around. no, thank you.
3)You asked me if fatty was PC. Manners?
4)I will also consider using a bump it. You have me there.

sarah said...

My e-mail to you: I am working on a rebuttal to your blog on my blog, but need a second opinion...

Can I call people fatties or is that not-PC?


Your response: fatties is totally PC

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I never said I was DCC worthy. In fact i said I was unworthy. I also may have been leading you down a path.

Dollface said...

love the follow up post to MODG... you guys are hysterical together!! and you should totally be one of them, if you have it, shake it!!, literally!!! xxxoo

amy kelinda said...

I think you should just be part of the judging panel. They'll make an exception to the "must be a former DCC" for you, I know it.

TERRi :) said...

Okay.. Just came over from MODG.. I'm literally laughing so hard I could pee.. You chicks are cracking me up!

Jill said...

"But can you blame them? Nobody likes a fatty."

is it bad that not only did this crack me up, but i nodded and agreed while reading it? i'm going to skinny girl hell (aka the road to future obesity)

"Julie" said...

can i tell the story about the moustache tailgate now? Where you practiced DCC poses? I have photo evidence....

carrie1 said...

Ha ha ha... this post is hilarious! You girls are a riot.

And I am seriously taking the fatty thing into consideration.. and may or may not be considering bulemia! <--- totally kidding

Samma said...

Ok, between ya'll I am going to start watching this damn show. On Demand told me it was on there, but I think they lied.

Cee said...

Well good luck...I hope you don't get called into the office. Or lose your bump it during the high kicks.

Mrs. Bear said...

This post just made my afternoon!! I love you hahahahahah

Michelle said...

I haven't watched the show but this had me laughing!

HoustonGurly said...

You guys are hilarious!

brit @ landlocked bride said...

You ladies are hilarious! Loves it.

And, my FI is so on the bandwagon of watching this show. It's so funny.

Milltini said...

How have I missed this show. I was one of the first ones to pick up on the Giuliana and Bill Rancic show on a cable network equally as obscure as CMT (Style)..but THIS I miss? How is this possible?

IN other news, way back in my past life I was a cheerleader (of the h.s. and college variety)...and in college they actually did measure our body fat. It was awesome and demoralizing and I secretly wish I had that kind of body-image pressure in my life today. Instead, I substitute a trainer who kicked our butts for Spanx and I'm 100% ok with it.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Totally hilarious ... wished I had this show to watch :o
xxx

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
meredith said...

point 4 is my favorite. i died laughing.

Ams said...

Love this post... I am dying over here!

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

This made me laugh out loud and I also couldn't agree more with the uniform and ladies!!!

Allyson said...

LOL that show is sooooooooo addicting!!! i was in danceline in high school and always hated cheerleaders, but how fabulous would it be to be on that team?!

anotherfishinthesea said...

This post cracked me up! I wish you would try out and join DCC just so you could document for us.. whaddya say? Great idea, right?