Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Special Post.


I was going to save this little gem for later, but I am being harassed in the comments of the last post for being lazy.

Thursday is a very special day. I'm not talking about Indians and Pilgrims and the Mayflower and all that jazz. I am talking about the birthday of everyone's second favorite blogger...

MARTINIS OR DIAPER GENIES?

(No, I am not asking if it is her birthday. It's the name of her damn blog.)

Some possible birthday gifts for MODG:
- Depends (she has shit herself before and old age probably isn't going to make that go away any time soon)

- bootleg copies of the previous seasons of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team (Netflix doesn't carry them...she checked)
- an autographed picture of Suri Cruise

- kitty wigs



Since I figure most of you people are like me and unlikely to spend your Thanksgiving blogging or reading blogs (or maybe you are...what the the hell do I know), leave her some birthday wishes in the comments*.






*And please leave birthday wishes. Don't tell me how silly the pictures are or how you wish your cat had a wig unless you are ALSO leaving birthday love. Trust me, MODG is a mean bitch. She will come after us all.

Try Not To Miss Me.

I have so much to say today, but none of it is really cohesive, so deal with it.

- We took our engagement pictures this weekend. I have no idea how they went. My facial expressions varied between maniacal smiling and scowling (I haven't seen the proofs, the photographer just kept saying "don't look so angry" repeatedly). I didn't take most of your advice on shoes. I went with the gold ones mainly because I am awesome and they sparkled. S says I can't publish them on the blog. If this upsets you, please direct your complaints to him, not me. Maybe if you guys show him how mad you are, he will change his mind, but maybe not. It would probably be best to leave him compliments (boys are easy to persuade).

- Last night, the Houston Texans played a football game on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. I say this in all caps because apparently I am supposed to care about this. I do not care about the NFL. What I do care about is the fact that they creates ridiculous traffic problems all over the city causing my one week of work that is supposed to be TRAFFIC FREE to be a TOTAL EFFING NIGHTMARE. I was surrounded by people in jerseys in traffic and I didn't like it one bit.

- This is my last day posting for the week. It's okay if this gives you the sads. It happens to most people when they know I won't be around. The good news for me is that this is my last day of work for the week and I am off to Missoura (I know it has an "i" at the end, but that's how all the hoosiers say it...I'm trying to get into the spirit of the state) until Sunday. AND WE ARE FLYING THIS YEAR (sidenote: last year I got the GENIUS idea to drive and S who never listens to me, listened to me and it sucked...actually the ride up didn't suck but the ride home was AWFUL). Lord knows I will come back with some stories.

In the meantime, leave your favorite Thanksgiving memory in the comments. (I will even leave the very first comment for you guys to show you how it's done. You're welcome.)

Monday, November 23, 2009

BECAUSE IT'S MY BLOG. AND I CAN.

PANIC ATTACK.

So I woke up around 3:30 this morning and had a full-fledged panic attack.

Amazing. Except not really.

I had a dream that even once I woke up I swore was real...

In my dream, I was planning on wearing my mother's wedding dress. (In real life, I am not.) In the dream, the dress looked nothing like my mother's actual wedding dress, but I just knew it was her dress (dreams are tricky like that).

I was on my final fitting a week before the wedding and we realized that the flowy skirt wasn't actually a skirt...IT WAS PANTS!

I literally was sitting in my apartment this morning losing my shit until I realized...wait a minute...I just tried on my actual dress last week and it isn't my mother's. Duh!

And then I went back to sleep.




11 more months of this, people. Deal with it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Only Thing I Love More Than Complimenting Myself...

...Is Hearing Others Compliment Me...

...and getting blog awards is basically the same thing as people complimenting me IN A PUBLIC FORUM.

Seriously, you people know how to get in good with me.

First up, Miss Emily Anne gave me the Este Blog e Super Fofo award. Loosely translated (thank you 11 years of Spanish) means "This Blog is Super Flop" but when I clicked the picture to save it, the name that came up was "Super Cute Blog Award" which completely applies to me so I am going to take it as a good thing.


The next award given to me is from Cee over at Curiosity and it is "The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award" which just sounds fancy, so naturally she thought of me...



Whenever you get an award, you are supposed to follow the "award rules" but that's not really my style, so I am just going to leave you kids with some random factoids about moi...

- I am obsessed with Dateline, 20/20, Investigation Discovery, and 48 Hours. S has already forbidden me from watching Black Widow Week (about wives who kill their husbands, not the spiders) on ID next week.

- I am not interested in vampires (I have mentioned it before, but I feel like it needs to be repeated). I do love ghosts and aliens.

- I think cats are uninteresting pets. Unless you put wigs on them. Then I support it.

- I think Nickleback is the most terrible band ever. Followed very closely by Creed (one of S's FAVE bands).

- I love myself. Seriously. So if you want to leave me compliments in the comment section, feel free. If I get something really great, I may even brag about you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Magic and Other Awesomeness.

Last weekend I made the biggest mistake of my life when I went out drinking. No, I didn't drink & drive.

Instead, on Friday night, I decided to start ordering "alcoholic Shirley Temples." (For those of you that are wondering, this is basically vodka, and grenadine with a lime)

The result was a picture like this on the interwebs:

This photo really is on the internet somewhere other than this blog. I did you the favor of cropping out my bra strap.

And the WORST HANGOVER OF MY LIFE.

So then I convinced S to leave the house so we could go eat this:

So damn delicious. I am not even kidding. Not pictured, a diet coke from the fountain (a post-drinking MUST).

And then I was magically cured from my hangover. Temporarily. (later I barfed)



On to unrelated things, I have somehow gotten on the mailing list for a store called Journey's. This is intriguing because I have never in my life shopped at this store. Ever.

But like I said, I'm somehow on the mailing list. Lucky for them, I flip through just about every catalog that comes to my house and I found this:


I am not a t-shirt person. No real reason. It's just not something I wear unless I am at the gym or pretending that I just worked out or cleaning house. But this shirt is enough to make me want to change my ways.




Jesus, is it Friday yet?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

MOST. IMPORTANT. DECISION. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

Not really, but probably pretty close.

S and I are having our engagement pictures taken this Sunday. And because I am neurotic a planner, I have been going over my potential outfits for a couple of weeks now. The plan is to do some casual photos and then some dressier ones. Even better, I decided with a week to go before pictures, maybe I should watch what I eat and go to the gym. Strategy for success if I ever heard it.

I have the casual outfit in the bag. No question about it. Some trouser jeans, a sweater and some heels. Enthralling, I know.

The dressier outfit is a short black dress (you don't have to tell me how original that is) and one of two pairs of shoes.

And here is where you make THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF YOUR LIFE...

Which pair should I choose?

The first pair:



The second pair:



I also have some dark red (NOT burgundy) suede heels that are similar in shape to the leopard and are also under consideration.

Which should it be? Gold? Leopard? All of the above because they are both so fabulous? None of the above because they are tacky as hell?*


UPDATE: I am going to choose between two black dresses that are pretty similar (one hasn't arrived yet, but should be here today)...both are jersey** (but neither is casual...does that even make sense?).




*Please note, I may completely disregard whatever the hell you guys say, but that doesn't mean I don't care.

**Jersey as in cotton jersey. Not as in "Dirrrty Jersey."

Friday, November 13, 2009

Found (An Update).

I wanted to update my loyal readers on the mystery incident chronicled in my last edition of Found.

Per the request of one of my few stalkers followers that I know won't delete me just because I don't agree with her (even what she says is really dumb), I posted the following picture in the bathroom...



For a closer view...


So far no one has stepped forward to claim their missing corn. I will keep you all updated.

Happy Weekending.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

FOUND.

This was found yesterday afternoon in the ladies' restroom at my office (right by the toilet).

Your eyes are not deceiving you...that is a kernel of corn.

I am simultaneously freaked out by its presence and fascinated by how it got there (so of course I took a picture).

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Off to a good start...

Last night S and I had our first official marriage class. In said marriage class, we had to take our FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study) Couple Inventory (sounds official, no?)...

This test asks a bunch of questions...some pertinent (finances, children, religion), some awkward (homosexual tendencies, sexual preferences)...and it is your job to lie to make yourselves sound better be honest with yourself about your relationship.

The lady who leads the class (and who coincidentally is also the annulment coordinator) gave us strict instructions not to discuss the test or our answers until our tests were completed and we were out of the room.

After the test the following conversation occurs:
Me: *laughing* God! That test was so random! I told you they would ask about joint checking accounts!
S: Yeah. That was an exact question too! Did you answer honestly on all of them?
Me: For the most part. Some questions were worded a little weird though.
S: I answered with what I thought I were the right answers... *pause* ...except one I answered honestly... *dramatic pause*
Me: Uh oh.
S: Ha! I put that my partner watches too much TV.



So now I am going to have to discuss with a priest my Bravo/DCC addiction. Fantastic.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Utter. Deliciousness.

I would like to dedicate this post to whoever (whomever?) once Googled "cool exciting chicken dinners" and wound up on my site. Hopefully this time they will stay longer than a minute.

Disclaimer: I don't cook, nor do I play one on TV. I have no idea if this is the same recipe I am talking about, but it seems like it should be. Take any food related advice I give you with a grain of salt.

This weekend, pre-trick-or-treating joke telling, I had the most delicious dip ever created: Hot Wing Chicken Dip (capitalized because it deserves RESPECT).

I will warn you, SOME PEOPLE who don't like delicious combinations like cottage cheese and jalapeno chips, don't like this dip (*cough cough* S *cough cough*). But they also don't like guacamole, so in matters of dip, they should not be consulted.

Apparently it is for sale in grocery stores, although not in any grocery store I have called (yes, I may have spent Monday morning calling around...please don't judge).

So I did what I always do in these sorts of situations...I googled.

And I found the recipe*:

Hot Wing Chicken Dip - Lindsey's**
8oz Ranch dressing (I use Hidden Valley)
8oz Whipped cream cheese
8oz Hot Sauce(We like Budweiser's hot sauce)
4-5 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1. Cook Chicken(I just boiled mine)
2. Let cool and then shred
3. Mix everything together
4. Place in a 13x9 baking dish and bake on 350 until is is bubbling all over (about 20-30 minutes)
Serve with tortilla chips (I like the scoops...it is a chunky dip so these chips make it easier to eat)
This is a really good app.

This picture makes the dip look gross. It is not gross. It is AMAZING.


*Like I said, I have no idea if this is the same dip...I haven't tried to make it yet, so use at your own risk. But it did come from the Saint Peters Playgroup Cookbook (and S has been pulled over in Saint Peters) and the second time I had it this weekend was in Saint Peters, so I am guessing it's pretty legit. If not, blame Lindsey.

**I don't know Lindsey, but I tried to correct some of her glaring grammatical errors. Note to self: when submitting your recipe for publication in the neighborhood cookbook, use spell check.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why I Should Be A Cheerleader.

This post is in response to the one made by Amanda (of MODG "fame") and my attempt to beat her in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders googlers (this is serious stuff here people).

I will start with some background information...
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team is on CMT (and has been for SEVERAL seasons...get with it). How did I find a show on CMT you might ask? Great question. Part of my Secret Single Behavior is that I sometimes (when S is out of town, obviously) watch bad country music videos (I don't even like country music) and dance around his condo (this is not the time for judgment).

One day, while engaging in such behavior I saw a preview for DCC:MtT and was instantly fascinated. And my obsession was born.

Even better, it has replaced my previous SSB and now I watch DCC:MtT and dance around his condo practicing my routines (obviously).

This might just be my favorite show of all time (please don't tell Bravo I cheat on them with CMT...they would be devastated). First of all, it is about cheerleaders. Ladies, this is a surefire way to get your manfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever else on the reality TV bandwagon. They will not be able to resist. Also, this show provides ample opportunities to judge the shortcomings of others. Trust me.

And now for the reasons I would make a fantastic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (sidenote: the only football team I am interested in becoming a professional cheerleader for is Dallas. I am not a Cowboys fan or a fan of the NFL in general, but for this job, I would be willing to fake it):

1) My hair. I was born a blonde and I will die a blonde, even if it means taking matters into my own hands (and by my own, I mean a professional). Also, I'm not opposed to getting a weave (or using a Bump-It) to achieve maximum volume. Being beautiful isn't easy people. (Note to Amanda: don't worry, there are a few token brunettes...not too many though)

Yes, they show up like this to practice. But remember, you represent the DCC. You must always look your best.

2) Body fat percentage calculations. Day 2 of training camp they calculate your fat. I admit this might make me slightly more neurotic than usual. During this process you get asked lots of questions like, is this a comfortable weight for you? Is this a little heavier than you usually are? This is the one area where the DCC is not concerned with politeness. But can you blame them? Nobody likes a fatty.

This is Jay. He is the boot camp instructor. He was also on Wife Swap once. He will make sure you're not fat.

3) Last season they made a girl read a biography on Jackie O. so she could learn to be more graceful in her mannerisms (don't worry, she got cut). Lucky for the DCC, I am well versed in manners, even if I don't always use them. I can try my very best to keep all eye rolling and snarky comments to myself (until they turn around). And I won't even wear a black face costume (Editor's note: Thank you so much to the all-knowing MODG for alerting me to this news).

The girl with the curly hair is Megan. She got cut for not keeping her rude ass in check.

4) I would be absolutely amazing at Kelli and Judy's jobs. Amazing. Judging others harshly is one of the things that I do best. The only catch is that they were both former members of the DCC (which is how they got their positions). So basically, I need to get on the squad so I can move on to my ultimate goal of Team Director. (Fun fact: Kelli was asked back for her fifth season with the Cowboys by the director without even having to audition)

When you get called into the office. You are in trouble and probably about to get cut for being fat or not kicking high enough.

5) Experience with DCC has taught me that one of the most important things you can bring to the table as a member of the team is your high kick. The kick line is what they are known for. It is a classic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader move. I have plenty of experience high kicking, especially when I am drunk. If we are at a tailgate and I have been drinking heavily, you can almost guarantee that I will be working on my technique. It's a gift, really.

These bitches have nothing on me.

In short, all of the things that would have made me amazing in pageants (had my parents loved me enough to put me in them) would make me perfect for the DCC. See you all at try outs in Spring 2010.

Not just anyone can wear this uniform, ladies.

For those of you who asked...

...trick-or-treating while practicing your stand-up act goes something like this...

*Knock on the door*

Kids: "Trick or treat"
Candy person: "Happy Halloween, do you have a joke?"
And the kid tells the joke.

This is what the 3 1/2 year old dressed as Tigger brought to the table:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
*cue laughter*

Monday, November 2, 2009

Opinions Needed (Halloween Edition)

S and I spent Halloween in St. Louis trick-or-treating with some friends who have kids (don't be jealous). Here's my question:

Have you ever heard that you have to tell a joke when you get candy?

Is this a Midwest thing or a Missouri thing or just a St. Louis thing?

We never did anything like that in Houston. Maybe Houston missed the trend?

When we were kids, you said "trick or treat," you opened your candy bag and complete strangers gave you candy. No need for jokes. Trick or treating was not amateur hour.

Am I the only one who has never heard about this?




Sidenote: I have repeatedly tried to get S to rent a PT Cruiser when we go on trips (it's a matter of principle, people). He always refuses. Then this weekend, he had a lapse of judgment and allowed me to pick the car (something tells me this will never happen again). Here is what we spent the weekend in: