Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Found.

I left something out of my Christmas "recap" yesterday, but I thought it deserved it's own post.

Background: when you exit the freeway to go to my parent's house, you have to drive through an area that has more than its fair share of sketchiness.

We exited the freeway Christmas morning and what caught my eye?


Can you see that lovely gentleman in the corner of that scary apartment complex's doorway? He's urinating. Right next to a major intersection.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Christmas Recap.

Except not really.

I don't know what to do with myself in this weirdness. Nothing is happening at work between Christmas and New Years, but I have to be there. I am not speaking to the mall right now so I have been doing lots of internet shopping. I have actually started getting serious about this wedding planning BS.

I received lots of fantastic gifts for Christmas.

BUT I HAVE NO REAL HOUSEWIVES (on television).

And this breaks my heart.



In family news, my grandma told my half-sister that she shouldn't come to my wedding because she isn't a bridesmaid. My sister is 4o years old. And then my mother boxed with my nieces and nephew (ages 4 to 10).



sarah (signature)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Don't Know How to Put This, But I'm Kind of a Big Deal.

People know me.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

At least on the internet.

MODG and I were interviewed by the ladies over at BonBon Rose. You should probably check it out. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

I'm not saying this was on purpose, but they might have waited until the day before Christmas to post our interview for a reason and I have a sneaking suspicion that we were the only ones who were given the "no cussing warning" before we answered the questions.
sarah (signature)

Bah Humbug.


I hope you all have a meow-y Christmas!*


P.S. If the world ends tomorrow night, it's because I went to church. Apologies in advance.




*Reason 1,560 that cats are dumb: they make shitty Santas. But damnit if they don't make for funny puns.
sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That One Time I Yelled at An Old Man During the Holidays.

So remember how S is temporarily crippled?

Well, yesterday was his first day back at work. Thrilling, I know. I dropped him off at work with relatively little incident. After work, I went by his office to pick him up. I did everything I was supposed to...I called early to give him time to come down, I circled the block so I didn't cause congestion in front of the building, etc.

I circle around and see him exiting the elevator. I pull up to the curb, get out of the car and run around to open the door so he can get in. (Sidenote: there are some ghetto-ass people that loiter permanently outside of his building and a bunch of the commuter buses stop outside his building)

(Me frantically running to the rear passenger side to open the door for S, exiting the elevator ON CRUTCHES)
Random Old Man Wearing a Lanyard/ID Badge Around His Neck: You can't park there.
Me: I'm just picking someone up who is handicapped.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: Don't matter.
Me: He's right there.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: This is a loading zone.
Me: I'm loading A HANDICAP PERSON.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: They'll right* you a ticket.
(at this point ROMWaLIDBAHN is in my face/personal space)
Me: THEN CALL THE F*!%ING COPS!


So...yeah...Merry f*!%ing Christmas.







*This man was wearing a lanyard and being mean to someone helping a cripple. Even though it was verbal, I know he was thinking "right" instead of "write" because obviously he is not as intelligent as I am. Obviously. I hate MODG.
sarah (signature)

Monday, December 21, 2009

An Open Letter.

Dear Mariah Carey,

Can we please be honest with each other? I am not all you want for Christmas.

Knowing what I know about you, you are probably interested in another lodge in Aspen, some pictures of yourself, and something sparkly.

In honor of the holidays, let's start telling the truth. Santa hates liars.

Hugs,
sarah (signature)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Fun Fact Friday.

Wine club is not the same as wine night. Wine club is a group of girls who get together and pretend to know stuff about wine. Each month we choose a different type of wine and everyone brings a bottle and we "taste" them (and by taste I mean get drunk). Wine night is where I get together with the infamous Jen and we drink and sometimes eat pizza. This is what I call "hobbies."

Anyhow, last night was a success.

But today is the day you all have been waiting for...FUN FACT FRIDAY!

Let's get some things straight here...Fun Fact Friday is NOT to be confused with Confession Friday. Fun Fact Friday is the day you leave me interesting tidbits so we can all live our lives just a little bit smarter. Confession Friday is just what the name implies....you confess something on Friday (creative, no?).

Today's Fun Fact:

Ohio is the only state without a traditional state flag. They have a pennant instead. Ohio is weird.

Your turn.

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

FYI.

I am boycotting blogging for today.

Tomorrow I will be back with Fun Fact Friday. You people better bring your A-game.

Pray to the blogging gods that I am not too hung over tomorrow after wine club.


In the meantime, go tell MODG nice things. She has had a rough (read: bitchy) week.


sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

True Story.

Backstory: The dog is old and in his old age, he has gotten particularly ornery. Not mean at all, but very set in his ways and a little particular about things. He doesn't like to be interrupted when he's sleeping. He also has a habit of making sure everyone else in the house is awake if he has woken up. Lucky for everyone involved, he likes to wake up around 6:30 (even on Saturdays) and loves to breathe hot old dog breath in your face until you get up, so as a result I try and wake him up whenever I see him napping during the day/early evening.

MONDAY night...

Me (yelling...hence the ALL CAPS): JUNIOR! WAKE UP! IT'S TIME TO PARTY!
{ dog just lays there, ignoring me }
S: He's not listening. Mr. Junior knows it's Tuesday and it's time to be resting, not partying.
Me: { dramatic pause } Um, it's Monday.
S: { blank stare }


Maybe it is the pain medication?

sarah (signature)

Monday, December 14, 2009

My abs are so ripped up, I call it "The Situation"

Okay, so let's get down to business.

S had knee surgery on Friday (I know I mentioned it, but I feel like he would want me to mention it again for sympathy's sake...feel free to send him healing thoughts in the comments...he will LOVE it).

The bandages came off today during my lunch break (exciting stuff, I know) so I think we are on our way to walking again...can I get a hallelujah? HALLELUJAH!

The amazing part about all of this surgery nonsense is that I have had plenty of time to watch both episodes of Jersey Shore approximately 36 times each, allowing me to catch the subtle nuances of each of the characters.

(I also watch some Top Chef, but once again the wrong person won, so again that show is DEAD TO ME.)

Lucky for those of you who missed it, MTV replays things 165 times until you are certain your head will explode, so I have no doubt you will be able to see both episodes.

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle."

If you ain't Guido, you ain't shit. Remember that, people.


sarah (signature)

Oops.

Sorry to abandon you guys on Friday...

S decided to go have knee surgery so he could do something ridiculous like walk more comfortably (I know, he's totally selfish!).

I will be back later with a real live post. Keep your pants on.

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Only in Texas.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Yesterday ended up being a great day, even if this year feels a lot older than last year.

As I had mentioned before, I got my birthday present over Thanksgiving (for those of you that had been asking it was a purse that I had been wanting...he surprised me when shopping...excellent move by S), and then yesterday S sent flowers at work, had some champagne when I got to his house (I'm shocked at the lack of hangover this morning) and we went to dinner here (I know it looks like a pretty random place, but it was authentically French and DELICIOUS).

Speaking of Paris...

(great segue, no?)

Only in Texas.



Welcome to Paris, Texas.

Per Wikipedia: "The city does not celebrate Bastille Day every July 14, though at one time local downtown merchants hosted Bastille Day sales. Local residents like the humorous slogan "Second Largest Paris in the World." (gosh, aren't Texans HILARIOUS?!?!) Following a tradition of American cities named Paris, a 65-foot replica of the Eiffel Tower was constructed in 1993. In 1998, presumably as a response to the 1993 construction of a 70-foot tower in Paris, Tennessee, the city placed a giant red cowboy hat atop the tower. The current tower is at least the second Eiffel Tower replica built in Paris; the first was constructed of wood and later destroyed by a tornado."

I really have nothing else to say about this. I will let the picture/Wikipedia speak for themselves.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I have not so surprising news...

My internet life partner, MODG, is better than all of you combined.

Want to know why? Go here and realize why you are TARDY FOR THE PARTY.

sarah (signature)

Found.


Yesterday after work I had to make my weekly Target run for Lean Cuisines/steam-in-bag vegetables (you don't have to tell me what an exciting life I lead) and I stumbled across this...

Briefs with cartoon characters...UNDEROOS...in the GROWN MEN'S SECTION.

sarah (signature)

Friday, December 4, 2009

You think you know...

...but you have no idea...

Who are you?
My name is Sarah (with an h...my parents were not lazy and neglectful in the naming process). I'm not trying to brag, but some have described me as "amaze balls," which makes me a pretty big deal. I live in Texas (sorta, but not really) by choice, but (not-so) secretly want four seasons.


What does your blog name mean...i mean really?
"a life more exciting..." is the partial title of my (still unwritten, but inevitably going to be best-selling) memoir.


What are your favorite things and your hate things?
Favorite things: S, champagne, Bravo TV, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, 48 Hours/Dateline/20/20/Snapped, macaroni & cheese, reality television of most sorts (except Survivor and Big Brother and anything on VH1), pictures of myself, celebrity gossip, books, fountain drinks, manicures

Hate things: germs, traffic, gum smackers, the show Law & Order, ugly people, cockroaches, humidity, halter tops, strangers on air planes who try and talk to you for the ENTIRE FLIGHT, vampires


How did you get to be so awesome?
It took years of preparation to become as awesome as I am now, but I truly believe I was born with this gift. Unfortunately, at this time there is no room in my schedule to instruct my readers on how to be like me. However, I have gone to great lengths to find a similar program that may meet all of your needs. It can be found HERE.


Who is S?
S is my better half/sidekick. He is very nice, but also doesn't trust me with the power of the internet so he doesn't want me to use his name. But to be honest, I don't know if we can really trust him to make decisions regarding the internet because he has dial-up and lacks a DVR (clearly can't be trusted).


Any special code of conduct for the blog?
Of course, with great power comes great responsibility, so please follow these rules:
- Here at ALME, compliments are gladly accepted. In fact, they are preferred. But since this is my blog and not yours (or anyone else's for that matter), please make sure to compliment me before you compliment anyone(thing) else.
- Comment often and comment early, but for the love of Ray J PLEASE have your comment pertain to something. No comments for the sake of commenting. When in doubt, please see the above listed rule.


Are you willing to get ordained online to become a wedding minister?
Absolutely. If you are interested in having me perform your wedding ceremony, please click the contact link above.



sarah (signature)

Fun Fact Friday: An Introduction.

In honor of my new layout (thanks, Ellie!), I am introducing a new segment every Friday called Fun Fact Friday!

(Can you feel the excitement? I can!)

Fun Fact Friday can include facts about anything. The topic that is my most favorite and the nearest and dearest in my heart is of course ME, so there will be lots of facts on that subject. But the floor is open to any other topics as well.

Feel free to chime in if you want, but what you say has to be a fun fact...not how cute/funny/gross/neat you think it is.

Got it? Good.


Fun Fact Friday: Your foot is the same length as the distance between your wrist and elbow.


Please wait until you get home to test this...or at least close the door to your office. I will not be held liable for your boss catching you in any compromising positions.

Happy Weekending!

sarah (signature)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm Tardy for the Party.

Hey, it happens.

The good news is: I made it back from the Midwest in one piece.

The bad news is: my luggage did not and I am really tired and cranky and can't focus on getting anything done.

YEAH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

So, since everyone else has already talked about their Thanksgiving, I figure it's my turn to one up all of you.

Let's start with a full recap, shall we? We shall.

Tuesday night: Had trouble focusing on packing. May have had a melt down or 3. Struggled with packing while watching the Biggest Loser because I couldn't focus on either one. Get picked up by S and realize I forgot contacts. Have to go back to my house at nearly 11PM to get contacts while S downs NyQuil.

Wednesday: Wake up ass-early for the airport. Took 8 years to check our luggage. No security line. Get to St. Louis (Southworst tore my luggage) and rent a car (we are a pretty big deal, so we got upgraded to a Dodge Nitro...don't be jealous*). Checked into our Thanksgiving hotel that we always stay at. Got warm cookies (they saw our Nitro and realized we were VIPs**). Picked up some booze. Acted as a shuttle to take S's cousins to his brother's house. Drank booze.

It looks like an armored car, no?

(Sidenote: OMG. Don't you feel like you are there with us?)

Thursday: Wake up. Go to the gym in the hotel for 15 minutes. Get annoyed with some girl who wants to be all chatty on the treadmill (Dear treadmill chick, we aren't friends. Hugs, sarah). Eat one turkey lunch. Play Seinfeld Scene It? as a gesture in family bonding. Go to S's aunt's house. Drink booze. Eat some dip and then eat some turkey. Missed the Real Housewives of Orange County. Got to watch A&M play a game against Texas. Played Catch Phrase (the girls dominated the boys)...

...this is where it gets really good...

...Lord only knows what we are talking about and S announces to his family that I blog. He gives them the name of my blog. My future sister-in-law tries to Google it, but can't remember the name and I won't tell her (she told me she was a Master Googler and could find ANYTHING...I wanted her to earn her title). So then she goes in the other room and asks S and he tells her and she finds it.

(Sidenote: Hi future in-laws! Thanks for hosting Thanksgiving! So great to see you all!)

The good news is that my future mother and father-in-law only have dial-up internet and really don't ever get on the computer (I have never seen their computer but S insists they have one and an internet connection). And the people who heard S's blog announcement are the cousins (and his brothers) and I don't have to censor my content for them. Plus, I have never talked about them before so I didn't even have to go back and delete any old content. EVERYONE WINS!

Friday: Winery day. I gear up for this day all year. This year we went somewhere new. None of us can handle change very well, so I am pretty sure we are going back to the old place next year.

This fancy lady is not me. This picture was on the winery website. I have no idea why.

Saturday: Shopping. Got my birthday gift early (thanks, S!). Dinner party that night.

Sunday: Get home from the party at 1AM. Fire alarm goes off at 1:45 or 2. Jerks are lucky I wasn't asleep or HEADS WOULD HAVE ROLLED. Stand outside in the cold. Watch 6 firetrucks show up. Gawk at the hoosiers in the wedding party who pulled the fire alarm and try not to kill them with my stink eye. Wake up late because I was UP LATE BECAUSE OF THE FIRE ALARM. Let the desk know that because of this interruption, we will not be checking out on time. Back to Houston.

I think we all remember this.

Overall, the trip was a success. We had a great time. Met a cousin's new girlfriend. Drank a lot and stayed up way too late. This was the first Thanksgiving that I have gone to the StL and it didn't snow (that maybe gave me the sads).

I am the most excited about the fact that we FLEW this year as opposed to last year's ROAD TRIP FROM HELL. Actually, the drive up wasn't terrible, it was the trip home that made me want to die. I am pretty sure it wasn't any better for S who drove THE WHOLE 15 HOURS (that's a one-way trip...that he drove both ways) BY HIMSELF because he is a rockstar and I am a whiner and a terrible driver (I had the super important task of DJ).

Doesn't the dog look thrilled to be on our road trip last year?




*This is monumental because after the whole HHR debacle, S swore I would never be allowed to choose our rental again. And when the guy offered us the Nitro I said yes before S had a chance to decline.

**The Doubletree gives free warm cookies to everyone. One of the main reasons I insist we stay there every T-giving. S insists on it because it's "convenient."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Am I the only one who has seen this?

I know you guys are anxiously waiting my full recap of Thanksgiving. Please keep your pants on...it's coming at some point.

Did anyone else hear about this ad? Is it wrong that when I see it, I sort of giggle a little bit because damn that would be an awkward Thanksgiving.*



*I am not a vegan. And don't support PETA. Take your hatemail elsewhere.

FOUND.


...Except not so much found as much as had to evacuate the hotel at 2AM Sunday morning to stand in the cold because some jackass pulled the fire alarm. Awesome.