Thursday, January 7, 2010

Back to Solving the World's Problems, 1 Reader Question at a Time

"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."

(By the way, does anyone know where that quote is from? (hint: When Harry Met Sally) I felt like it was an appropriate title because women in general are basically nuts and I have heard people say crap like that in real life or "IRL" as the cool kids say)

Today's topic: Relationships

At least I'm skinny asked: "Where can I find myself a suitable boyfriend so the boys I work with will stop making fun of me? I have very low standards - beating heart, not homeless, not a 500lb virgin, etc." (I cut out the part at the end where she makes some lame excuses for not being on time with her question, but I am generous so I will answer anyway...)

Well, you can meet boys at plenty of places and seeing as how you have obviously low standards, may I suggest the following: prison, strip clubs, rehab and the unemployment office. MODG met B drunk at a tailgate when she walked up to him and announced "hi. I'm going to marry you" (but be careful, Amanda was lucky...she ended up married to Cole Hamels...being too drunk could backfire and you could end up engaged to someone with the uglies). I met S at a bookstore, so you could always go trolling for men at a Barnes & Noble and see what happens (for the record, I wasn't trolling).

Kel and Jame (not sure which one exactly) from Misadventures From the Batcave asked: "Dear Sarah, I like this boy and he doesn't like me back. I can't believe it either, but said was confirmed today when he entered into a facebook relationship with my competitor. I do not find her a worthy opponent. Nor is he good for me. What's my next move?"

Here is my question to you (and yes, I know it is rude to answer a question with a question): why do you like a boy who is no good for you? He clearly lacks sense if he didn't choose you. This can be a bit tricky, but with my expert guidance you will get through this situation with ease. Since we are in the technology age, you must start by putting a super hot photo of you as your Facebook profile pic. The hard part here is that you have to dance the line between "you should like me because I am slutty/easy" (no good) and "you should like me because I am way hotter than those other bitches you look at" (tres good). Then you must go out with people who like you because you are fabulous and forget about the bad news loser who likes some stupid skank.

jessalyn asked as a follow-up to yesterday's question: "also- i was hoping i could add to my question yesterday- its kind of related: how do i get my dumb man friend to buy me a big sparkly ring. (i think the skinnies would help, that's the relation). thanks!"

Dumb man friends can be tough nuts to crack. All I did was act the hotness with a strong case of the skinnies and a touch of witty and S flocked to me, but I want to do all I can to help my readers so for this I will consult S (warning: he is not nearly as funny as I am)...
From S: "Unfortunately, you can't. Putting pressure on him will just drive him away. Patience is the only answer. Sorry."

Updated to add (by me, not S...his friends aren't nearly this resourceful): MODG and Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman reminded me of a story (take it for what it is worth): A girl I know wanted a membership to this health club here in town and membership isn't cheap (think a little more than few thousand dollars for initiation fee and a few hundred a month). Her husband refused to pay the money but she begged and begged. Finally he told her he would hear her out if she created a business plan and set up a meeting with him for one night when he got home from work. She did a ton of research and presented her business her lingerie. She got her club membership.

Sort of related to relationships, but not really, Kiera asked: "is a purple master bedroom demasculinizing?"

Not if you are a homosexual man.
sarah (signature)


Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

S is wrong wrong wrong.
Ultimatum city.

Me: B you have until christmas or I walk
B: we'll see
Me: You bet your ass we'll see.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Agree with MODG on this one. Threats and crying worked for me. And then more crying. (I am thinking of writing a book about adult relationships and mature communication.) So if you want something sparkly: 1) Ultimatum. 2) Pout. 3) Cry. 4) Wear something tight and sparkly with high heels. 5) Cry again. Good luck.

carrie1 said...

MODG....... you my friend are Hilarious... but we already know this!

If I said that to Chris... he would be like BYE! =)

And then probably call me in a week because he needs his laundry done. (laundry isn't the only reason he is with me)

But I am totally working on the Skinnies part!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I just got myself knocked up and he married me. Easy Peasy.

meredith said...

i don't know what i enjoy most - this post or these comments.

jessalyn said...

i feel special b/c i got two questions answered...either that or i am terribly pathetic. but i do appreciate you taking pity on me.

i thank S for his input, but i probably won't listen to him. i have already told man friend a wedding will be commencing on Sept 3rd of 2011. but i will try a combination of MODG/Confessions of a mother, lawyer & crazy woman to get the sparkly.

thank you for being such a good problem solver!

p.s. monique- thank you for the suggestion- but i am no where near ready for baby. i can't even keep a plant alive.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

S - Excellent update, thanks for the shout out. Clearly your health club friend is an (evil) genius and deserved her rewards. Sure the H appreciated the side bonus of better lingerie viewing in the future. A win - win for all! Happy heartwarming post-holiday story!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

your update, that you added gives me so much hope and inspiration for the new year. I am not kidding. My eyes got really wide with excitement...oh the possibilities.
I'm thinking plastic surgery.

Ams said...

Ultimatum city.
I am trying that one the next time I see S.

sarah said...

I will admit S is stubborn. He doesn't respond well to ultimatums. But temper tantrums sometimes work or whining.

Miss Emily Anne said...

This post and these comments just made my day!

Existential Waitress said...

I like ultimatums. I kind of treat my husband like one of my kids with counting to 1, 2, 3 and then a time out if he doesn't do what I say.But after having been married twice now, I'm starting to think that these dumb men types are a waste of time anyway. But lesbo action isn't my thing, so I guess I'm stuck with men unless I want to become a nun or something. At least men are kinda dense so they're esily manipulated. Ultimatums all the way.

Mrs. Sitcom said...

All excellent advice.

RE: dumb man of life's great mysteries.


The business-plan-in-lingerie made my day. Evil. Genius.

ZDub said...

I met my husband at Applebee's.

Hand to Jesus.

Also, I got knocked up so we got married.

P.S. My ex-husband has a purple bedroom and a purple satin comforter and he is gay, gay, gay. In real life.

Cee said...

Are you going to answer my question about telling us about your wedding plans? Don't neglect me or I will cry. Plus I just love wedding plans.

I am Trish Marie said...

ZDub I so have you beat. My ex-husband is a professional body builder (read: slathers himself in orange fake tan. I have pictures.) by day and a nurse by night. Plus there is the whole Thai hooker thing we already talked about.

S is wrong. To get the sparkly ring, you should do things like
A. Tape pictures of rings to bf's steering wheel, so he will find them when he leaves for work.
B. Make bf sit and look at rings for hours online. Often.
C. Drag bf into every jewelry store you walk past.

After months of torture, he will buy the ring just to shut you up. I am not admitting to any of these tactics. Except maybe the pictures taped to the steering wheel.

brit @ landlocked bride said...

They usually give in to ultimatum at some point if they are really in it for the long haul.

Loving these posts, Sara!

Levon said...

I musta landed me a keeper...pshh. Carl says he flocked to me cuz i offered him sex the first day i saw him. Not true. I used to think he must really love me since he stays with me even though i'm a crazy bitch lady, but i think it's probably because his ass would be broke having to pay child support for all these kids. to i catch a case of these "skinnies" you speak of?

At least I'm skinny said...

What if someone has married my husband already? Oh dear.

My across the street neighbor is a stripper so I might accompany her to work tonight in search of a man. If that doesn't work I already know where the prison is and I google maps the unemployment office.

I greatly appreciate your generosity and grace in answering my question even though it was late. I am not worthy.

jayme said...

my life is complete. thank you all.

Kel and Jame said...

thank you for the advice. I will be requesting more. I also may need help choosing my facebook photo. hahah. and why you ask? Because I am insane. But I am also fabulous.