Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Now I Know What My Mother Feels Like...

Let's get some things clear, people. When I give you guys an assignment, I expect you all to follow through. I know it is much tougher to follow specific instructions than it is to write "Just found your blog! I'll be back" but I also know that you guys can handle it. If I didn't think you could, I wouldn't give you that much responsibility. Yesterday's turnout was one of the lowest in ALME's recent history, so needless to say I am more than a little disappointed. Maybe you felt like my knowledge was too much for you to handle? Maybe you felt insecure in your desire for help? Don't worry, guys...the only one judging around here is me, and I will be so flattered you came to me for advice, I won't even consider for a second how obviously stupid your question is.

Secondly, last night I watched The Bachelor and immediately felt desperate. And then I was sucked in to Conveyor Belt of Love. Honestly, I can't even talk about the second one.

Now on to your questions...

Not all of them will be answered today, but they all will be answered (hopefully by the end of the week). I am going to start with the most pressing questions...people who need advice on getting their year started right (and I probably play favorites).

So without further ado...

Our first question comes from our friend MODG: "Dear Alme, What should my goals be for 2010. Please list 3. Hearts, MODG"

Dear MODG,
I have given careful consideration to what your goals should be for the coming year and I know you will take my advice to heart and do exactly as I say.
If you feel it is necessary/appropriate, please feel free to update us all on a regular basis as to your progress.
1. Work on your high kicks. We all know that despite your protestations, your life-long goal is to be a professional cheerleader. This is not something to be ashamed of, but it does lead me to your next goal in 2010...
2. Maintain the skinnies for the entire year. You know my standards. I would hate to stop being internet friends on account of you having the fats. We can have weekly weigh-ins and body fat calculations if you think it would help.
3. Find a doula to massage your taint (this is the only word I could come up with for the space between your butthole and your girl parts) to make it pliable for labor. If you are for serious about maybe having a baby at some point, it can't hurt to start this now. According to sources, this is a crucial step in the childbirthing process.
May 2010 find you with sustained good shopping karma.
sarah (signature)


Cee said...

"massage your taint"?????

I just threw up a little

jessalyn said...

um yes. terribly disturbed by all of number three. (also, i though only boys had taints? we did not have sex ed in my school, so maybe i am just uneducated in anatomy).

also- i was hoping i could add to my question yesterday- its kind of related:
how do i get my dumb man friend to buy me a big sparkly ring. (i think the skinnies would help, thats the relation).

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I'm so on it. I was googling taint masseuses all day yesterday. Who knew this was necessary?

High kicks. NO. Sorry.

Weigh ins yes please.

Thank you for leading my life.

carrie1 said...

Am I too late?

I am I know... I didn't do much with blog yesterday..

My Question:

When are you and MODG finally going to meet in real life?

I know I asked this before, but I am sure (just like everyone else) that when you two meet and galavant and cause chaos in whatever town you choose you will have blog post for the whole year!

Dollface said...

I never asked u anything!!! ok.... so what makes your life more exciting? how is it being real life friends with MODG? What is your favorite movie of all time, xxxoo

kanishk said...

I was googling taint masseuses all day yesterday.
loan audit

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

High kicks are a good goal to have. I am working on mine right now, as I type. Which some might consider odd, because I am in Starbucks.

Happy New Year!

Kiera said...

whoa whoa whoa- i thought 'taints' were called grundles. and don't be pissed about ysterday- i was thnking of a question:

is a purple master bedroom demasculinizing

Existential Waitress said...

"Massage your taint?" LOL! I've had two kids and I've never even heard of this. Very disturbing.

And I too watched The Conveyor Belt of Love. I am ashamed to confess this.

"Julie" said...

Keiko....Keiko....you know you miss her.

There's another word for "taint"...and my guy friend named his dog or something after it but it hasn't come to mind yet....

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Too much taint talk around here.

Question: Would you like to have my near 8 year old son? He is home sick AGAIN and driving me nuts. Thanks in advance.

ZDub said...

Taint massaging is so necessary to childbirth.

Use almond oil.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Also, my doula had a crockpot full of ginger water with washcloths in it when I was in labor. She held them on my downtown so I wouldn't tear.

That alone was worth the cold hard cash I paid her.

Doula=Taint caregiver

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

zdub is a huge hippie.

that is all.

Kel and Jame said...

you guys are obsessed with each other. Like me and Kelly obsessed. And she's pretty much my girlfriend.

meredith said...

ahh, my hoo-hah is hurting reading all of this.

my boss' dog's name is keiko.

T said...

Taking Human Sexuality this semester. I will make sure to ask the professor about female taints. I will report back when I know.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Oh yeah, I watched Conveyor Belt of Love during Hoarding commercials. I like to see multiple train wrecks at the same time whenever possible. Saves me the time and all.

brit @ landlocked bride said...

Too funny. I laughed out loud reading this at work. It was a quiet day at the office, minus that.

Little Miss Southern said...

Literally laughed out loud! So glad I found your blog!!

Amie said...

hey maybe if I had had a taint massage I wouldn't have had the episiotomy from hell. I am totally gonna get that taint massage if I ever get knocked up again. And I am going with ZDub's gingerwater stuff too.

Midtown Girl said...

OMG - are you on twitter? Please say yes!

I thought I was the only insane person watching conveyor belt of love - I would tweeted u up during the show darling!!


Happy New Year love,

I am Trish Marie said...

I am going to have to agree with #3. I also have heard the vegetable oil or olive oil or some food type thing works well. Perhaps ask B for help. But trust me on this one, it is not a good place for stitches. Better to prepare in advance.