Apparently we (ALME and MODG combine forces...her words are in pink...it's what Suri would want) need to write you all a letter to let you know what's up, since so many of you continue to break the rules. (And please don't try any of that "rules are made to be broken" bullshit with us) and also because we both have pms and we want to kill everyone and then eat them with chocolate covered pretzels as a side dish...
Listen, blogging is taxing but we do it because we are narcissistic bitches who need constant reinforcement that our lives aren't just giant pieces of shit that consist of shoes, bags and cookies. With that being said, there are a few unwritten rules that we believe the blogger should abide by. I wish some nasty (in MODG language nasty = most badass) bitch (like sarah) told me this when I started blogging. Since I broke them all.
1) This has been said before, but we will say it again since apparently reading isn't your strength: if you are going to comment on a blog don't say "LOL HILARIOUS" or any other nonsense that says NOTHING. Honestly we get that you don't feel like reading the whole post, that's fine (not really). But we put our heart and soul into every word in front of your face. I once stared at the word fish for 3 minutes debating if it should maybe read shoelace. It was a great sentence obviously. So please IF you're going to comment, read the GD post. We know your tricks, like commenting on just the last line of the post or just the first paragraph. It hurts our delicate feelings. And I don't have any room in my budget for therapy.
2) Only talk trash if you are willing to put your name behind it. Otherwise, don't waste our time. We appreciate a good trash talker. It provides controversy in our lives. But man up, you pussy. Suddenly you're all anonymous on us? Please. We smell your fear. (FYI, so do bees and dogs)
3) Feel free to turn off your word verification. Every now and then, someone will leave you a comment about penis enlargements in Chinese. You can delete those. If you want comments, don't make me type "juggy smith" into a box. SARAH was the biggest culprit of this for a long f-ing time. All of my blogging commenting has to be saved for Sundays. Do you know how much time I spend entering your stupid word verification in? HOURS. When you're commenting on 200 blogs, you want to tell word verification to VERIFYTHIS (middle finger shaking). If you don't know how to do it, figure it out. (I WAS totally guilty of this. But not anymore. And I have the Chinese comments on my blog to prove it.)
4) We get it. You love The Jesus. But shouldn't that be between you guys, not you and the internet. Just putting that out there. When I go to a blog and I see proverbs or jesus hands or angel wings or bloody crosses I close the window and say nextplease.
5) Be honest. Or at least be honest that you are full of shit. Also, if you can see ghosts, be honest. Embrace your gift. Be yourself. If you don't say "shitballs" in real life, don't say "shitballs" in your blog because we're 45% psychic combined and a liar is a liar is a bad piece of sushi (i.e. makes you vomit and shit at the same time).
6) Don't copy other people. Be original. If you can't be original, then at least admit you can't think for yourself and give whoever you copied some credit. Copiers are foul. Foul like the whore secretary using the copier to make copies of her ass. Foul. You copier.
7) We realize that if we don't like something you write, we have the option not to read it. You have the option to do the same. Isn't America neat? Freedom of internet surfing and all that jazz? You don't have the option not to read mine. You have to read modg. It's a devil trick. And you should probably keep reading mine, mainly because it doesn't suck as bad as some of those other ones out there.
In closing this may sound way harsh circa Clueless 1998 but we only smack you because we love you. Take it or leave it, do what you will but just remember. When Britney was all Pink Wig Umbrella, people listened. I mean, yeah I don't know. This is the web and we're spiders. We'll eat you up. (I feel drunk when I read this)
Hugs, Hearts, Blogs, Sparkles & Charms (charms is my new thing),
ALME & MODG
ALME & MODG