Monday, January 25, 2010

An Open Letter.

Dear bloggers/commenters/internet dwellers and your mom,

Apparently we (ALME and MODG combine forces...her words are in pink...it's what Suri would want) need to write you all a letter to let you know what's up, since so many of you continue to break the rules. (And please don't try any of that "rules are made to be broken" bullshit with us) and also because we both have pms and we want to kill everyone and then eat them with chocolate covered pretzels as a side dish...



Listen, blogging is taxing but we do it because we are narcissistic bitches who need constant reinforcement that our lives aren't just giant pieces of shit that consist of shoes, bags and cookies. With that being said, there are a few unwritten rules that we believe the blogger should abide by. I wish some nasty (in MODG language nasty = most badass) bitch (like sarah) told me this when I started blogging. Since I broke them all.


1) This has been said before, but we will say it again since apparently reading isn't your strength: if you are going to comment on a blog don't say "LOL HILARIOUS" or any other nonsense that says NOTHING. Honestly we get that you don't feel like reading the whole post, that's fine (not really). But we put our heart and soul into every word in front of your face. I once stared at the word fish for 3 minutes debating if it should maybe read shoelace. It was a great sentence obviously. So please IF you're going to comment, read the GD post. We know your tricks, like commenting on just the last line of the post or just the first paragraph. It hurts our delicate feelings. And I don't have any room in my budget for therapy.


2) Only talk trash if you are willing to put your name behind it. Otherwise, don't waste our time. We appreciate a good trash talker. It provides controversy in our lives. But man up, you pussy. Suddenly you're all anonymous on us? Please. We smell your fear. (FYI, so do bees and dogs)


3) Feel free to turn off your word verification. Every now and then, someone will leave you a comment about penis enlargements in Chinese. You can delete those. If you want comments, don't make me type "juggy smith" into a box. SARAH was the biggest culprit of this for a long f-ing time. All of my blogging commenting has to be saved for Sundays. Do you know how much time I spend entering your stupid word verification in? HOURS. When you're commenting on 200 blogs, you want to tell word verification to VERIFYTHIS (middle finger shaking). If you don't know how to do it, figure it out. (I WAS totally guilty of this. But not anymore. And I have the Chinese comments on my blog to prove it.)


4) We get it. You love The Jesus. But shouldn't that be between you guys, not you and the internet. Just putting that out there. When I go to a blog and I see proverbs or jesus hands or angel wings or bloody crosses I close the window and say nextplease.


5) Be honest. Or at least be honest that you are full of shit. Also, if you can see ghosts, be honest. Embrace your gift. Be yourself. If you don't say "shitballs" in real life, don't say "shitballs" in your blog because we're 45% psychic combined and a liar is a liar is a bad piece of sushi (i.e. makes you vomit and shit at the same time).



6) Don't copy other people. Be original. If you can't be original, then at least admit you can't think for yourself and give whoever you copied some credit. Copiers are foul. Foul like the whore secretary using the copier to make copies of her ass. Foul. You copier.


7) We realize that if we don't like something you write, we have the option not to read it. You have the option to do the same. Isn't America neat? Freedom of internet surfing and all that jazz?
You don't have the option not to read mine. You have to read modg. It's a devil trick. And you should probably keep reading mine, mainly because it doesn't suck as bad as some of those other ones out there.


In closing this may sound way harsh circa Clueless 1998 but we only smack you because we love you. Take it or leave it, do what you will but just remember. When Britney was all Pink Wig Umbrella, people listened. I mean, yeah I don't know. This is the web and we're spiders. We'll eat you up. (I feel drunk when I read this)

Hugs, Hearts, Blogs, Sparkles & Charms (charms is my new thing),

ALME & MODG


sarah (signature)

54 comments:

"Julie" said...

1. horses smell fear too
2. LOL HILARIOUS
3. THANKS SO MUCH for following my blog, I'm sure you're going to enjoy my posts about rocket science, raising llamas, and avian migration patterns
4. SHITBALLS
5. i don't know how to be anonymous, but you know where i live and when you talk shit to me, you're usually right (i.e. 'don't shit where you sleep' warnings)
6. Also, you should add something about WHITE DOLCE because I feel it's been neglected and it's a total gem
7. i'm psychic too, i know, so talented I am.

8. mayo
9. mayo
10. "This is the web and we're spiders" made me feel drunk too...but i'm still kind of hungover from Friday...

ZDub said...

Well, well, well.

I am not enjoying #5.

And to quote Jersey Shore, "WHO IS YOU?"

Existential Waitress said...

You're already changing the world -one blog at a time. You've inspired me to turn off my word verfication (I kind of didn't even know that it was on). I agree that it is annoying.

SaraPlaysHouse.com said...

My feelings are hurt.
Not really.
And yes--word verification sucks. In a big way.
BUT--I would also like to choose the "identity" that lets me just put in my name and URL since I'm not on the Blogger bandwagon anymore. For real.
This is a super post. And I read the whole thing, pinky swear.

AuntBT said...

Chalked full of awesomeness.

Which I totally say in real life.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Thank you for the whole comment about Jebus n' such I always felt rude when I would close a blog window when I saw his face or words of wisdom ala the bible. I feel like this a lot now that I live in the bible belt, that feeling of "not being good enough" is a real freaking thorn in my side. You make it ok to be me and that's coo! You women speak the truth. And for the record... the comment about sushi made my day!

Thank you for all the sunshine, and ponies, and stickers and myspace.com's!

P.S. Sarah I think we need some more smack downs laid from you on MODG's confession fridays - those betches still aren't getting the message!

SG said...

Shitballs = my new favorite word

Word verification = bane of my existence/time sucker

This post = awesome.

a H.I.T. said...

Listen fool. Is this because I've been too lazy to comment on people's blogs lately? I mean, really, growing a baby is taxing enough on my body (have you seen my German hips?!? They went from barmaid to full on wench). Now you're forcing me to read and actually say something meaningful in my comment? I may just hate you throughout the remainder of my pregnancy (and not because you both still have barmaid hips).

By the way, I secretly heart charms. They remind me of when I was 4 and used to wear charm bracelets.

I realize that I only commented on the last line of the post - that's my secret. Makes people think you read the whole thing. How's that for tomfoolery.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

I am commenting and I read every word. I don't have the word verification thingy anymore since like yesterday so I am not guilty of breaking any of the rules!! yes!

Kaela said...

I actually turned off my word verification from reading MODG's post months ago. Get with it people.

The people who have the Jesus blogs are undoubtedly the same ones who forward me Jesus emails. It's cool if you love Jesus, but I don't necessarily follow his blog. So no thanks, I don't want to be blessed by God only if I forward this crappy picture of a kitten licking Jesus prayer hands to 20 people in the next 2 seconds otherwise I will be smited by God. Bring on the smite, bitches.

carrie1 said...

Ewww... I didn't even know my damn word verification was on either! Damn the man! Thanks for the eye opener.

#4... is that the Jewish side coming out in both of you??? I'm just curious?

I <3 both of you!

Amie said...

"LOL HILARIOUS" And I mean that from the bottom of my heart, bitches. I seriously love you almost as much as I love jesus and angel wings. And sarcasm.

Totally gonna turn off the word identification.

amy kelinda said...

Oh god, the word verification. I get why people do it, but after months of being word verification-less, I've only ever had two incidents of spammers. And those were easily taken care of. I've had to type in the weirdest stuff, and sometimes I honestly have no idea what those wiggly lines are supposed to be so I end up typing it wrong and then am asked to type it AGAIN and UUUGGGHHH. Commenting is not supposed to be so hard!

Are you guys mad at me for only commenting on #3? Because that's the only thing I have something to say about. For the record, I trash talk logged in and say shitballs in real life.

The Only Girl said...

Amen sister!

And what about the blogs that have both word verification AND moderator approval turned on! Sheesh - who exactly are they trying so hard to protect themselves from? Clearly people who comment. Which is why I refuse to do so on their blogs.

Thanks for putting this out there. You're changing the world - one blogger at time.

Kiera said...

This is exactly what I'm saying. although you make more sense in paragraph form.

great post and mean girls is my no. 1 movie ever.

jv726 said...

Can I say "hilarious" if I prove that I read it all (I dont use LOL, it makes me want to punch someone)...there was some shit about pms and choc covered pretzels at the beginning and some other shit about smacking me at the end...
I do love your blog...keeps me from working most days. So, thanks! :)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Well, who the eff, croaked and left you two bitches to run the GD blogosphere?

Hot tubs and high fives,
SurferWife

I say this with as much love as I can muster from my heart.

foxy said...

Dude. I seriously hate it when someone just says freakin LOL HILARIOUS. Like I-want-to-punch-them-in-the-gut hate it.

And what about not having your email public so I can reply to your comment via email? That shit bugs me too. You didn't even mention that one. Just sayin.

Dollface said...

ahahah... it honestly makes me want to say LOL hilarious a few more times.... but i honestly love the two of you and I DO read the posts, thanks for the smiles! xxoooo

Jenni said...

Whatever, those rules aren't real.

THEY WERE REAL THAT DAY I WORE A VEST!!

a H.I.T. said...

BTW, you forgot about the people who use the sneaky word verification...you know, you post the comment and think you're done when BAM. Word verification pops up on you like a bad as$ mofo. I may or may not hit the close window 50 percent of the time when that happens.

Cee said...

LOL HILARIOUS YOU TWO ARE SOOOOOOO FUNNY.


Just kidding, but yea...not to be all Jesus-y but amen to that. Especially the Jesus part.

Is it weird that I kinda like the Chinese comments? They make me feel popular.

Paige said...

Okay, I swear on my dear cat Pooter's life that this is not a sneaky blog-reader trick. However, I thought you should know that I too want to kill everyone and eat them with chocolate covered pretzels...and maybe a whole pint of Ben&Jerry's ice cream. This post (the whole thing) made me giggle. Looking forward to following your blog from now on ;)

jessalyn said...

i read the whole thing, but trying to decipher that last paragraph made me forget all the rest. i am so self centered, i am assuming this was all directed entirely at me, so i will go back and read it all to make sure i am following thy rules, almighty blog goddesses.

Erin said...

You should write a blogging bible. Seriously. This is Da Bomb. I am so tired of the word verification. It drives me BONKERS.

p.s. LOL HILARIOUS.

Shandal said...

You guys should have starred in Mean Girls. Bossy bitches. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I still follow your GD rules even though NEITHER of you follow me. WTF?! ;)

MODG said...

shandal I follow you! puhlease girl. calling me out....

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LOL HILARIOUS...oh was that not PC. Sorry.

Kaitlin said...

This is the best post I have read all day. Amen to this post.

However, I do have the word verification on because the spam on my blog has yet to get under control. Once I find the bia who is spamming my blog it will end. Until then keep commenting and maybe a dirty word will show up that will make it all worth it. haha.

Thank you for writing this, we haven't had one of these in a long time!

One thing that was not on there that I vote should be added is:
If you comment on a blog, don't comment just to promote your blog, no one likes it (it actually makes me want to perform the scene in mean girls when she acts like a cheetah and attacks).

Brown Girl said...

Is this like copyrighted or something because I'd totally love to repost this shit on my blog. Especially the LOL HILARIOUS part, so true and so annoying. I'm keeping word verification though. Ya know why? Cause I can. ;) love america!

Cuddleslut said...

Duly noted. I do solemnly swear to attempt to abide by the rules. And let my freak flag fly, with some of the phrases I do use in real life... Such as "donkey" and today's little gem "Sweating their boobs off".

Also, I would really like some chocolate covered pretzels now. Thanks.

Levon said...

Eh EM...How about you quit breaking your own fucking rules MODG cuz you write lame shit for my comments all the time! Like WTF is "eeeeeeeeeewwwww"?? The post was about blowjobs and sweeper hoses and now i'm confused as to which one you are ewwwwwing at...yeah, kettle, i see you over there.

Levon said...

P.S. I still stalk you both even though you cant follow your own damn rules.

MODG said...

LEVON. Sister of shit talking.
As one of your followers I can vouch that your post was in fact about blowjobs and sucking on balls. if that doesn't get an EW from me, nothing will.

Levon said...

Alright, you got me on this one. but it totally could have been about spilling the ashtray too.

Jennifer said...

WOW! Seriously thanks girls for laying out the rules of blogging for us non-professional bloggers! hahahaha And I am seriously going to turn off my word verification RIGHT NOW, because after being gone from the blog world for a while and having to type I don't know how many word verifications I'M DONE and I'M SORRY I put all of you through this! :) Have a great week!

Shandal said...

Oh MODG you must be following me privately because I don't see your pretty little picture in my list of followers!

brit @ landlocked bride said...

Love your blogging rules - mostly the one about Jesus, because that one drives me nuts. And the one about leaving pointless comments.

nicolefalack@gmail.com said...

I think i am going to turn off my comment moderation too...

In real life I say FUCK every other word, but on my blog I hold back. Why? I dont know. I just get the feeling my Mother in law is reading.

Mama Taylor said...

Ok, I have to admit, I'm guilty of a few of these... I went to check and I had both word verification AND moderator approval turned on. Oops. So now just the moderator approval is turned on. ;) Sorry, it's the best I can do!

I also can't stand when people leave me the most meaningless two word comments. It's annoying. If you're gonna stop on my blog and bother to comment please read the whole post! ...or don't waste our time.

By the way, this post was LOL HIIILARIOUS!

Rachel said...

Do we HAVE to use the "p" word?!?!?!?! Why can't we just call people vaginas?

jessalyn said...

p.s. that finger picture is tormenting me. literally, i can not stop thinking about it. i feel like it is from something...or i should know what it is? can you add that to your questions to answer segment please? i need the story behind the vomiting finger.
thanks

At least I'm skinny said...

I say way worse stuff in real life than I put on my blog. Shitballs is probably the least offensive thing I could come up with.

And this post was LOL hilarious. OMG, ROFL, LMFAO, WTF, TTYL, etc.

I turned off my word verification and I'm just waiting for the chinese penis enlargement comments. Please send them my way.

6p01156f9ad9e3970b said...

Ok FINE. I turned off the verification.

And you know what?

I FEEL LIKE A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.


But, how about this tidbit, it's super amazing Suri Cruise cool if blogger blogs open up the option to leave a name/url because every time I sign in with Typepad it transforms my name into like 700 random numbers. LAME I know.

Just saying.

Amanda said...

Word verification is the worst...WORD to the commenter up top who said the most annoying ones are the word verifications that pop up AFTER the comment. I've lost many a clever-ass comment because I closed the blog before the comment posted!

Also -- if you're not going to write how you talk in the real world, what's the point? Who are you trying to impress? Lame.

Awesome blog -- and so glad I just found it :)

WestSacHoney said...

This is probably the most entertaining post I've read this week and possibly my whole blogging life which doesn't equal that long. But I don't have many other blog real life friends so I don't know the rules and regulations. So I love how you laid it all out there for us..

James Robert said...

Love the sushi example...

FYI Bad pollo has the same effects as bad sushi and usually hurts more because it is almost always accompanied buy jalapenos and cayenne pepper. (I've been burnt twice by that ish)

James Robert said...

Although I read the whole post, the vomit/ass pee from bad fish thing really struck home, thats why I only touched that subject

Karena said...

Oh God I am way to new to this following blogs thing. Now you two will have me about to crap my pants every time I think about commenting. I have posted this list of rules on my wall and will defer to it from here on in. And my new favorite word is now shitballs. And amazeballs but I got that from a James Patterson book, I swear it! "You've Been Warned" look it up if you are psychicly (WTF, is that a word?) thinking I'm a lying liar who lies.

Amanda said...

I know for a fact I violate some of these rules, and in the interest of complying with the honesty one, I'll say that I a) plan to keep my moderation, but I'll compromise and turn off the verification and b) love Jesus but do not have any angel wings on my blog. I'm pretty sure I don't, anyway.

Love the Mean Girls references...

my favorite and my best said...

martinis and a life more excitgini's
rules are for pussies.

Mrs. Everlasting said...

Amen sisters! Thank you times a million for saying what so many of us are constantly thinking.

Amber said...

Wow I some stumbled upon modg's blog and had to come check out the girl who only poops once a month. When I read this post I was wasn't quite sure whAt I had stumbled upon and what to make of it. But was intrigued and agreed with some of you points, although the delivery was a bit in intense. I totally agree about the word verification, not a big fan of the Pop out window comment section either and I hate when people leave their URL in their comment, I can click on your on your name. Oh and Hoover post totally deserved an ewwww! You and modg have intrigued me just enough to come back soon to see what you are all up to.

Amber said...

Oh and I can't stand the Jesus stuff either