Z-Dub Knows What's Up.

Fun fact about me: I have baby fever. To the MAXIMUM. I love babies. I wanted babies like yesterday. YEAH BABIES. Love them. They are adorable. Even when they poop. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Seriously. Not even pregnancy scares me (okay, maybe I'm a little scared of getting the fats and being able to ditch them). But what scares the shit out of me is childbirth. You know, that step where the baby has to go from your uterus to the outside world. TRAUMATIZING. Even worse, at one point I worked in Labor & Delivery in a run-down hospital. When you are in college, that shit will scar you. Enter my favorite ghost whisperer Asian, Z-Dub.

She is like a birthing guru. If you are considering having babies, you must read her how-to guide. Warning: there is lots of vagina talk. But if you don't learn about vaginas on the internets, who else is going to tell you.

Enter Z-Dub:

Everything You Need To Know About Childbirth That They Don't Tell You. Because This Is Some Scary On The Level Shit.

Once upon a time, I left a comment on Sarah's post where she gave some advice for Amanda regarding doulas and perineal massage and how it is crucial to childbirth. I mentioned that I practiced perineal massage (for SIX months) when pregnant with my son and she asked me to write a little something special to share with you all. Since Sarah does not have children and I have mad birthing wisdom to share, I agreed. ZDub=Birth Guru. You need to pay attention to this, the health of your vagina depends on it.



Y'all, childbirth is way fucked up. It's gross. And it hurts. I am not telling you the following story to scare you; I'm telling you because these are important childbirth facts that no one bothers to tell you. It's all sunshine and rainbows because "OMG! BABY!", but that baby has to come out of you somehow and some real shit goes down when it does. Brace yourself.

When I was pregnant with my daughter in 2000, I planned to have a home water birth. I had a midwife and she was worried about the size of the baby because I had gained 50 pounds and was huge. I was 24 and not really stressed. I thought it was going to be super easy to get the baby out because I had watched 3,234 episodes of the Baby Story and those women push like three times and BAM! baby. Cut to me pushing for FIVE muthafucking hours and NO baby. I pushed in the birth tub, on my bed, the hallway, the toilet (lid closed), the couch, no baby. A tiny bit of her head was out and that was it. STUCK. I thought I was going to straight up die.

I had to be transported to the hospital in the back of a Volvo station wagon. And not push. It was a thirty minute drive and I was so afraid that the baby was going to fall out in the car. Once we got the hospital, the midwife and the ob/gyn on duty decide they are going to give me a midline episiotomy, you know, cut my perineum with scissors, to see if that will help with getting my daughter out. The ob/gyn did this with no drugs or even a local and sometimes late at night, I can still feel/hear the cut.

At this point, they decide to further torture my vagina and use forceps to pull the baby out. I thought they would look like salad tongs, small. They do look like salad tongs, Paul Bunyon's salad tongs.



So, I have a baby's head barely out, a cut open vagina and then they put in the forceps. This is the absolutely worst, searing pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I didn't even really feel my daughter coming out because my vagina is being treated like a character in Reservoir Dogs. Straight torture and never again. My daughter was fine and weighed almost ten pounds and it takes my vagina almost seven weeks to heal from this nonsense.

Six years later in 2007, I am pregnant with my son. My vagina boycotts all things scissors/forceps/baby related, but after a long talk, my vagina and I decide it will be different this time. Less Reservoir Dogs, more Care Bears II: A New Generation. Enter Super Doula.

I was using a different midwife this time and she knew my difficult birth history. She recommended a doula and gave me the name of one in town that she worked with on a regular basis. A doula is a birthing badass who hangs out with you while you are in labor and takes care of you. She does whatever to help you and it starts while you are pregnant. We met at a coffee shop and she was all business. I filled out some forms and she handed me a sheet of paper and told me it was my homework. The paper was a full sheet of information on perineal massage.



I massaged my perineum with almond oil for SIX months. She recommended this based on the fact that I had an episiotomy and preferred not to have another. This is supposed to make your vagina pliable and not mad at you and stuff.

When I went into labor, Super Doula arrived at the house immediately. She rubbed my back, microwaved some sort of rice bag for me, brought me socks, ran me a bath and told my husband what to do. Please do not assume you don't need a doula because you have a husband. They are pointless and do not get it. Super Doula loved me and my vagina and was well worth the $500 in cold hard cash we paid her. (Doulas usually aren't covered by insurance which is total bullshit.)

At the birth center, she filled everyone in on what was going on and gave me positive reinforcement. Super Doula knows everything you need before you need it. She gave me honey straws and sips of Gatorade. She brought a crock pot and filled it with warm water, fresh ginger and washcloths and HELD them on my vagina while I was pushing, or for "perineal soothing during crowning" as she put it. Super Doula informed us that fresh ginger root helps bring blood flow to perineal tissues to maximize stretching. That's caring.

I pushed for two hours with my son and when he came out, I tore badly. However, I didn't need forceps. My midwife informed me that I basically tore right where my episiotomy had been and it could have been much worse. Super Doula saved the day as far as I'm concerned. All women should have a doula. Period.

Although there is still nothing anyone can do about the bleeding. After you have a baby, you bleed for like two months straight and get to wear a maxi pad as big as your head. And mesh panties. You get to wear mesh panties home from the hospital to hold your gigantic pad in place.

Knowing is half the battle. ZDub loves you. And your baby.