Sunday, April 18, 2010

Excuses are Like Assholes...

...sorry about the delay. I have absolutely no excuse for the lack of blogging except to say that it is so much harder to come up with topics when I am not busy procrastinating at work.

For whatever reason, this inspired me to take a look at my Google Analytics. There was a time when I would check this on a regular basis (needless to say, there haven't been any of those times lately).

I had all of the usual suspects...
a life more exciting blog
a life more exciting
alifemoreexciting
lifemoreexciting
i hate life i want something new and exciting

Then things got a little random and wedding related, which confused the hell out of me because I am pretty awful about wedding-related posts (not because I don't want to share, I just never do it):
my wedding updates blogspot
a guy took the garter off my gf with his teeth
audience participation unity candle wedding
did you do a garter toss at your wedding?
garter every inch above the knee
garter toss out of favor
garter toss tacky
garter wedding is tacky let's face it
instead of putting garter flower catch
is the garter toss tacky
making a bouquet out of bows for rehearsal
point of garter toss
putting garter on tradition
wedding garter toss creepy
what if there's no one to throw a garter to?
cool thing to take my wife's garter off

There were even more garter related keywords, but I decided to spare you all the rest. Needless to say, garters are a hot topic around here lately. To answer whoever came here because they were curious if the garter toss is tacky...the answer is yes. YES. And it was confirmed by whoever found me by Google-ing "garter wedding is take let's face it." Thanks for the back-up, friend. I'm a little concerned for the person who had a guy take a garter off his girlfriend with his teeth...that feels more than a little awkward to me (Was your girlfriend the bride? This could make things even worse.). But I hope I was able to help. Oh and I'm not sure that the guy who is talking about taking his wife's garter off is wedding-related.

Randomly, there were lots of keywords involving wellies, which confused the shit out of me because I only posted about them once (during a phase where I was going to try to talk about random pictures), but there is apparently a lot of interest out there:
college hunter wellies
girls hunter wellies pictures
hunter wellies
hunter wellies photos
wellies pictures 2010
should i wear jeans over wellies

And this is only a portion of the weird wellie keywords. But no worries, shit gets weirder...

There were several (I mean SEVERAL) keywords involving vaginas and birthing. I mainly blame this post and Z-Dub for this weirdness, but I'm also sort of flattered that the internet feels I have vast birthing knowledge:
baha'i "water birth"
doulas rubbing vaginas
hony vag
weird but exciting places to give birth

For those of you coming here expecting porn, I'm sorry I let you down. I feel like the person looking for "hony vag" was terribly disappointed. Also, I know nothing of a water birth. I am sure it's beautiful and awesome and organic, but all I think of is sitting in a tub of your own fluids and get totally freaked out (for the record, I refuse to take baths, I only shower, because the thought of sitting in my own filth horrifies me). I do know someone baha'i though. The internet could probably sense that. And as for weird but exciting places to give birth...how about the orangutan cage at the zoo? It's all "WTF? Why am I in the orangutan cage at the zoo? But damn if I survive this shit, this will make an amazing party story." See? Weird but exciting.

Next is the portion where the internet tried to insult me:
"i am a mean bitch"
make sarah's life more exciting

Screw you, internet. Moving on...

Things took a turn for even more weird, but I am pretty sure I am amazed and flattered that (1) there are people out there looking for some of this crap and (2) they found me as a result of it:
more straight asian guys public peeing
sarcasic digs at ppl
why pigs were banished in philadelphia in 1710
where to find sarcastic chat room remarks
vicky gunvelson
sarcasic digs at ppl
houston newscaster belt buckle and old blue jeans
kinky hair white
is it correct to say "they refused to speak to me"

I'll be honest, I had no idea people still used chatrooms. This is 2010, not 1996. Get with it. Whoever was looking for peeing asians is probably a pervert or a weirdo, but they get lots of credit from me for being so supportive of Asians 2010. Based on the "kinky hair white" and the questions involving grammar, people are wanting me to bring back my advice column. Person looking for "vicky gunvelson"...she doesn't live here. But she spells her name V-I-C-K-I. You're welcome. Finally (you're probably thinking THANK GOD), I hope whoever was looking for the "sarcastic digs" left satisfied.

This was my long drawn out way of saying I'm sorry. And I *pinky promise* to try to be better at blogging and not stay gone so long.


sarah (signature)

11 comments:

landlocked bride said...

Oh, how I have missed you!

I was rolling with laughter over the tacky garter toss, because, like the person who googled it, I too thank the garter toss is tacky, let's face it.

I have a feeling you and Google aren't getting along too well right now.

ZDub said...

Let me help you. I'm pretty sure your searchers were:

Doulas rubbing vag=MODG

Peeing Asians=ZDub

You're welcome.

P.S. This post made me pee, please post more. Kthx.

ZDub said...

And Vicki G=SGM

RESEARCH

Nikki said...

This is hilarious and makes me want to figure out what Google analytics are. I've so missed your posts.

Dollface said...

we've missed u! but hony vag, hahahah thats hysterical, xxxooo

mamagooch said...

Just don't let it (ever) happen again. Although I'm one to talk.

Mrs. Bear said...

It's always nice to know that one is found when searching for a vagina... hahahaha

Cee said...

Google Analytics is the best! I would pay to meet some of these weirdos who search for things like "weird but exciting places to give birth "

amy kelinda said...

Oooooh, Google Analytics. People are so weird.

MODG said...

I don't know how I missed the longest post in all of ALME history but I did.

sanjeet said...

This is hilarious
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