Friday, January 29, 2010

Fun Fact Friday.

My brain hurts this morning. Not so much of a hangover as much as total exhaustion. (I went out last night for wine night, but didn't feel completely wasted, so I am pretty sure it's not a hangover. It stormed all night and that bitch Mother Nature kept waking me up.)

At least it's Friday.

Today's fun fact is a result of this post: The normal range for daily pooping is from three times a day to once every three days. Therefore, it would be fair to say that the average person poops about once a day.

As always, you're welcome.

I'll be back Monday in a better mood. Maybe.

Leave your own fun facts so I don't have to hunt you down.

Happy Weekending!

sarah (signature)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Is Today Over Yet?

I am out of topics this week.  We will discuss my feelings on the garter toss, but that has to wait.  I can't overload on wedding topics or my head will explode.  I have literally spent the last week obsessing over the address list for save the dates, so give me some time to decompress...

But as promised, more of your questions and my answers.  Thrilling, I know.

Today's question comes from Kiera: "does your fiance read your blog? is that a problem with you?"

Yes, Kiera, he reads my blog.  When I first started blogging, I told him I was blogging, but wouldn't give him the address.  He threw a temper tantrum and I realized it wasn't worth fighting about so I told him.  Now, he reads daily and reads comments and reads at least one blog that I follow.

For the most part, I don't care.  He's slightly more anal than I am about the whole "no showing face" thing, but other than that, it's not bad.  He also likes to edit stories that are about him (and correct my stories when he thinks I am wrong or not giving him enough credit).

He thinks blogging is weird, but he thinks most of the shit I do is weird, so he really doesn't care.  He tells people about it all the time too.  His family knows, the people in our marriage class know about it, random friends know about it (shout out to B!), and I am pretty sure the cashier at the grocery store knows about it...

As he has gotten more used to me blogging, he suggests topics now and then or pictures or whatever.

Unlike MODG, I'm fortunate because my in-laws only have dial-up internet (my in-laws and their son, S, are AOLs last paying dial-up customers...true story) so I am really in no danger of having to edit what I say.  Plus, I talk like this in front of them most of the time anyway so it really wouldn't phase them.

Other questions, comments, concerns.  Get your shit together because tomorrow is Fun Fact Friday and I need you people to bring the noise.

sarah (signature)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


How do we feel about this concept:

Is this amaze balls or cheese balls?

I tend to side on cheese balls. The thought of keeping old bows stresses me out (I don't like clutter and keeping up with unnecessary things). And also because I am pretty sure I couldn't keep a straight face while dealing with this.

At the same time, I am a sucker for traditions. Shitty as they may be. (Exception to this rule: garter toss. It's not happening. Not ever. But we will save that rant for another day.)
sarah (signature)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Case Against Toast.

S and I are registering for home goods, etc. I have done lots of research on what I want and know just what will make my kitchen perfection and drive me to start cooking. (that's my current excuse for not cooking, and I am sticking with it)

We will register for all of the normal things...blender, mixer, toaster, plates...because that's what you do when you register. You ask for appliances. And plates. And flatware.

I ask him yesterday what he prefers...a toaster with 2 slots or 4 slots (he said he wanted to be involved). He responds "Four. What if we both want toast at the same time?"



Toast is the bane of my existence.

Toast is a worthless breakfast pastry.

If I want a bread product for breakfast. I will have a croissant or a bagel. I will not have toast.

When S had knee surgery, EVERY DAMN MORNING he wanted toast. I think he did this out of spite.


Toast is stupid.

Then, you have to pull the toast out when it is still warm (assuming it is toasted enough but not too are beyond screwed if the toast wasn't toasted will never be able to figure out the perfect settings to get it right) to put the butter on it. If you use a stick of butter, you have to leave the stick of butter out to soften but you still have big indents in your bread where you tried to make it spread but FAILED.

It doesn't even fill you up.

Toast tries too hard. It wishes it was a bagel, but will never be that awesome.

Toast will never be filling. Not ever.

When you get toast at restaurants, it is never done right. Never. Either under done or over done, but never warm enough to make the butter spread all over it.

Toast is good for one thing only and that is soaking up the yoke from a fried egg.

It is inevitable that I will get 24 comments telling me about how awesome toast is. Those are lies. Neither you nor S will convince me that toast is cool. NO ONE will convince me.

Toast is dead to me.

But in case you are wondering, we are registering for the four slot toaster.

sarah (signature)

Monday, January 25, 2010

An Open Letter.

Dear bloggers/commenters/internet dwellers and your mom,

Apparently we (ALME and MODG combine forces...her words are in's what Suri would want) need to write you all a letter to let you know what's up, since so many of you continue to break the rules. (And please don't try any of that "rules are made to be broken" bullshit with us) and also because we both have pms and we want to kill everyone and then eat them with chocolate covered pretzels as a side dish...

Listen, blogging is taxing but we do it because we are narcissistic bitches who need constant reinforcement that our lives aren't just giant pieces of shit that consist of shoes, bags and cookies. With that being said, there are a few unwritten rules that we believe the blogger should abide by. I wish some nasty (in MODG language nasty = most badass) bitch (like sarah) told me this when I started blogging. Since I broke them all.

1) This has been said before, but we will say it again since apparently reading isn't your strength: if you are going to comment on a blog don't say "LOL HILARIOUS" or any other nonsense that says NOTHING. Honestly we get that you don't feel like reading the whole post, that's fine (not really). But we put our heart and soul into every word in front of your face. I once stared at the word fish for 3 minutes debating if it should maybe read shoelace. It was a great sentence obviously. So please IF you're going to comment, read the GD post. We know your tricks, like commenting on just the last line of the post or just the first paragraph. It hurts our delicate feelings. And I don't have any room in my budget for therapy.

2) Only talk trash if you are willing to put your name behind it. Otherwise, don't waste our time. We appreciate a good trash talker. It provides controversy in our lives. But man up, you pussy. Suddenly you're all anonymous on us? Please. We smell your fear. (FYI, so do bees and dogs)

3) Feel free to turn off your word verification. Every now and then, someone will leave you a comment about penis enlargements in Chinese. You can delete those. If you want comments, don't make me type "juggy smith" into a box. SARAH was the biggest culprit of this for a long f-ing time. All of my blogging commenting has to be saved for Sundays. Do you know how much time I spend entering your stupid word verification in? HOURS. When you're commenting on 200 blogs, you want to tell word verification to VERIFYTHIS (middle finger shaking). If you don't know how to do it, figure it out. (I WAS totally guilty of this. But not anymore. And I have the Chinese comments on my blog to prove it.)

4) We get it. You love The Jesus. But shouldn't that be between you guys, not you and the internet. Just putting that out there. When I go to a blog and I see proverbs or jesus hands or angel wings or bloody crosses I close the window and say nextplease.

5) Be honest. Or at least be honest that you are full of shit. Also, if you can see ghosts, be honest. Embrace your gift. Be yourself. If you don't say "shitballs" in real life, don't say "shitballs" in your blog because we're 45% psychic combined and a liar is a liar is a bad piece of sushi (i.e. makes you vomit and shit at the same time).

6) Don't copy other people. Be original. If you can't be original, then at least admit you can't think for yourself and give whoever you copied some credit. Copiers are foul. Foul like the whore secretary using the copier to make copies of her ass. Foul. You copier.

7) We realize that if we don't like something you write, we have the option not to read it. You have the option to do the same. Isn't America neat? Freedom of internet surfing and all that jazz?
You don't have the option not to read mine. You have to read modg. It's a devil trick. And you should probably keep reading mine, mainly because it doesn't suck as bad as some of those other ones out there.

In closing this may sound way harsh circa Clueless 1998 but we only smack you because we love you. Take it or leave it, do what you will but just remember. When Britney was all Pink Wig Umbrella, people listened. I mean, yeah I don't know. This is the web and we're spiders. We'll eat you up. (I feel drunk when I read this)

Hugs, Hearts, Blogs, Sparkles & Charms (charms is my new thing),


sarah (signature)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Fun Fact Friday.

It's Friday. You know what that means.

Last week, some of you brought it full force and some of you just fell a little flat and got a little e-mail reminder from me to step up your game and do like the post calls for AND LEAVE A FUN FACT.*

Fun facts can be about whatever you want BUT THEY MUST BE TRUE. That is what makes them a fact. Don't believe me? Look it up.

Damnit. This blog is educational.

Today's fun fact is...

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

I posted this to save you the time Google-ing it. Because I know you would.

Now leave your facts.

Happy weekending!

*But damnit if you guys didn't step it up yesterday with the recipes. Way to be there!
sarah (signature)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Your Turn. Man Up.

Remember that time I told you guys to ask me questions or whatever for a new weekly segment and nobody did? Yeah. That was awkward.

Today, I am coming to the internets for advice.*

I am getting married in some months. My ultimate goal is to retire and be a wife. As a job.

I am excellent at cleaning. I have a love of all things kitchen related. But I can't cook. And I don't want to be a wife FAIL.

I mean, yes, I can make shit from boxes. You have never had mashed potatoes from flakes, until you have had mine. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese? No one does it better. NO ONE. Peatunorni is my secret family recipe that I know BY HEART. But other than that, I've got nothing.

My friend, the infamous Jen, tells me, "Sarah, if you can read, you can cook."

Here's where you all come in (let's not drop the ball this time)...

What are some easy ass recipes for me to try? I'm talking EASY.**

Thanks, bitches.

*Once I started writing this post, I found this blog post. Decorno has more skillz than me. And I'm still craving a Twinkie.

**Also, maybe give me some weird ones that are delicious so I have an excuse to register for random kitchen appliances.

sarah (signature)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


A couple of weeks ago, I ran into Target at lunch to return some picture frames (don't ask). While I was there, I noticed they still had some of the Rodarte pieces (like the leopard dress) and decided to try them on (for me, the whole line in person was an epic fail...). I found this beauty in the dressing room.

I know it's hard to read what has been hand-written in the red: "Keep Yo Panties On!! Gurl"

Amen, sister.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Only in Texas.

It has been a while since I have done an "Only in Texas" post. And by "a while" I mean a little over a month, so really not that long at all.

In the meantime, my advice column/random question answering is going to become a regular feature around here. Send me questions, queries, topics you need advice on or whatever. And every (still undecided)day I will answer them (I'm thinking Monday). Comprende?

Back to Texas...

Texans LOVE their state. LOVE. If you are in a foreign country and you ask a Texan where they are from, they will say Texas, not America (or the United States or whatever you call this country). They get all defensive if you try to imply that maybe some other states are pretty cool too. They will tell you "Texas was it's own country" and all sorts of other random things to try and convince you.

A few weeks ago (maybe a month?) I got a Facebook e-mail from someone telling me about this really cool "fan page" and that I should join.

I bet Texas can get 1 million fans before any other state.

Apparently other states are participating in this too, but none seem to be as into it as Texans.

As of this posting, they are up to 676,614 fans.

The funniest part is that when you go to the fan page, they shit talk to increase membership.

Sage nuggets like this one:

I'm going to be honest, i can hardly say the U.S. Pledge. But i know the Texas Pledge by heart, and how many states can say they know their state pledge. Not many..

Or this one:

So this girl, she's form New York. Her names Lindsay. She thinks New York is better than Texas. She also thinks we both have big egos but Texas doesn't have the balls to admit it. And as hard as I try, i can't find any reason anyone would want to ride in a strangers car, eat old hotdogs being sold on the... street, and mostly everyone has never heard of the word "manners".*

Only in Texas would this be so competitive.

*Please tell me you noticed the typos. For the record, while I love to talk trash, I have a pretty strict shit talking policy that includes me trying my best to use proper spelling/grammar when making fun of other people and/or declaring my superiority.
sarah (signature)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Fun Fact Friday.

Hey people. It's Friday.

You know what that means...FUN FACT FRIDAY

Thrilling, isn't it?

Here are the rules (after last week I feel like you all need a refresher)...if you leave a comment it need to either be a fun fact, a compliment to me, or both. Your fact can be about yourself, but it must be true.

Now let's get this party started.

Has anyone ever been to North Dakota? Probably not. I mean, why would you? The night life?

Because I hate for any state to go unappreciated, today's fun fact comes to you on behalf of North Dakota:

Milk is the official state beverage of North Dakota.

Happy Weekending!

sarah (signature)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

True Story.

In case there was any doubt that I am mature beyond my years, the following conversation happened a couple of weeks ago at S's house:

Me: So MODG and I are trying to start this new club. It's really cool.
S: Who's in it?
Me: Well, so far, just us. But membership is pretty exclusive.
S: So no one wants to hang out with you guys on the internet anymore?
Me: No. Lots of people want to hang out, but we can't let everyone in.
S: What kind of club?
Me: The Pen 15 club.
S: Pen 15? What does that even mean?
Me: It's just a name that we thought was really neat, but if you want to join, I have to write it on your hand.
S: No.
Me: Fine. Then I guess you don't want to be supportive of me and my dreams.
S: Why Pen 15? Where does it come from? This sounds like a trap of some kind...
Me: Hold on. Let me just go get a pen...
S: Pen won't come off.
Me: Yes it will. I promise.
S: Pen 15? I still don't get it....
*I left the room to go get a pen*
S: ....Goddamnit. Pen 15 spells penis. You can't write that on my hand.
Me: No. It doesn't. Only a pervert would think that.
S: Yes. It spells penis.
*cue temper tantrum by me*
S: Fine. But it better come off before work tomorrow.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Greatest Show on Earth.

So yesterday's post was a nightmare. Sorry about that. Pinky promises to all of you that from now on Picture of the Day will be exciting and witty and a hell of a lot more exciting than whatever fiasco occurred yesterday. You're welcome.

People have been asking and I promised an update, so here it is.

Happy now?

We took our engagement pictures back in November. I love pictures. Love them. Especially when they involve me and a professional photographer. S...not so much. He doesn't get all amped up when the camera is around. So we practiced by watching some ANTM (and by we, I mean me) and got our smeyezing down.

And then we took some pictures. I will show you the one that was on Facebook (minus our heads...don't worry...I got permission).

See? We took pictures. 3 hours worth. S had more fun than I thought he would and overall I was really happy with them. The ones I didn't like were because one of us was making some sort of stupid face. Oh well. Back to smeyezing practice, I guess.

Here are the wedding day facts:

Engagement date: May 18, 2009 (I am including this because people always ask)
Wedding Date: October 23, 2010
Number of bridesmaids: 3
Number of groomsman: 3
Time of wedding: 3:00 PM
Location: Catholic Church in Houston
Dress color: Navy

I bought THE DRESS in the first month of being engaged on accident. I didn't mean to find it right away, but I did, so I bought it. For me, I knew it was The One.

Once we decided that the wedding would be in Houston, there was only one church that I was willing to get married in. So I call them in June 2009 and I'm all, "Hey, I would like to get married pretty soon..." and they are all, "Not a problem. We are booked until July 2010..." So then I was mad because WHO THE HELL IS BOOKING ALL OF THESE WEDDINGS?!?! But then S talked me off the ledge and he said we should look at the Fall (this is Houston, so it's not really Fall). He started looking at weather patterns and all sorts of nonsense and we decided Ocotber 23rd worked for us. Come to find out that is also his dad's 65th birthday. I was pretty set on where I wanted my reception from the beginning and so we had to make sure the church date vibed with the reception venue date and it did (THANK GOD).

I chose the places I did for a couple of reasons. The church has a center aisle. This wedding is only happening once so it needs to count. The church my parents went to when I was growing up requires you to go up one aisle and down the other. No me gusta. Not happening. Both the church and the reception venue are pretty on their own. Yes, I am going to decorate them...I'm not that lazy...they just don't require draping and all of the nonsense so many other spaces do. The reception venue also covers the catering so that makes that easy.

My bridesmaids all got together to bond and pick out dresses in December. Half of them were sick and I got sick right after this (some thanks I get for letting them CHOOSE WHATEVER DRESS THEY WANTED). My policy on bridesmaid dresses were this: they had to match and look cohesive together and be navy. Other than that, I didn't care. Going into this whole process my sister/maid of honor (I hate the term MOH) was insisting on strapless. INSISTING. Then she tried some on. Needless to say, they all chose the same dress. They are navy and look nothing like this:

They are navy with a wide v-neck and a-line. They are supposed to hit right below the knee, but all of the bridesmaids are shorties (I mean they are all short in their stature, not the Urban Dictioniary definition) so we are hemming above the knee. The Mass is at 3 in the afternoon...I figure we can get away with this. No decision yet on shoes. Not sure if I want them to match or be the same color or what.

S is a pretty formal guy. He insisted on a suit for the "dressy" engagement pictures. He wears a suit everyday to work though so that's his comfort zone. I live by the motto "it's better to be overdressed" so I'm glad he's not sneaker-guy or LA-guy who wears a blazer with sneakers, a t-shirt and jeans (HATE). He wants the guys side to jazz things up with tuxes. Done and done (but not picked out yet). There is some debate about the style of tie and/or the color.

The dinner will be seated and we haven't picked food yet.

I ordered the save the dates yesterday. I still can't decide on invitations.

Obviously, since we have taken engagement pictures, we have chosen a photographer. I OBSESSED over that decision for what seemed like FOREVER, but in reality, it was one of the first decisions I made. Because I am obsessed with pictures, I am definitely doing bridals. I know, non-Southern readers are all "what the..." but that's how we roll in Texas. We take pictures in our dress before the wedding and display it at the reception. Narcissistic? Absolutely. Why do you think I love it?

Rehearsal dinner is at a brewery. We have a large number of guests traveling in from out of state and we want them to be invited so it is casual. Since people in the Midwest don't know shit about Mexican food, that's what we are going with.

We haven't registered yet. S says he wants to be involved in this process. Why? Who knows. Most likely, we will stick to three stores. And even more likely, I will begin stalking my registry as soon as it has been done.

We haven't decided on a first dance song. We have decided on the band. They pretty much rock my face off (despite this picture).

I haven't picked a cake yet or given any thought to flowers.

Honeymoon has yet to be decided, but more than likely will be somewhere tropical.

So there you have it. What I have so far.

sarah (signature)

Picture of the Day: Hunter Wellies & Cowboy Boots

This is a new series here at ALME where we will discuss (read: judge) pictures taken by MODG. These sorts of posts allow her to take pictures of random shit with her new camera and it gives me topics to blog about. A win-win, really.

Let's begin.

This photo is titled "Hunter Wellies and Cowboy Boots" by the artist. While there is an interesting juxtaposition between the muddiness/puddles invoked by the wellies and the roughness/country-ness inspired by the cowboy boots, I can't help but wonder why the hell someone from Philly has cowboy boots. She insists that they are okay because they are Frye and they have never been worn, but it leaves me, the viewer/critic, feeling confused and lost. Does this make me an inferior Texan for not having cowboy boots?

Don't get my wrong. I love boots. I own over 10 pairs of boots (please don't tell S), so I get are cool. I don't own any wellies and this breaks my heart. We went to a football game earlier this fall and it was supposed to rain and all I wanted to wear with my dress were some GD Hunter wellies, but Nordstrom didn't have them in stock in my size and I didn't think of it soon enough to order tham and have them delivered in time, so I was depressed. But then it didn't rain. But I digress...

I love boots over jeans (in a cute way, not JLo way). I love jeans over boots. I think boots with skirts can be cute but I have never found some that work for me without looking tranny/hooker. S insists this is the hottest thing girls can ever wear. He even recognizes a woman who lives in his building based on the fact that she once wore a skirt with boots. Weird, I know.

Here in Tejas, the ladies love their boots with dresses/skirts. And by boots, I mean cowboy boots. In college towns, it is all the rage to pair them with a sundress for gameday. This can be acceptable in real (read: not college) life so long as your dress doesn't look like (1) it should be a shirt instead and (2) you don't look like you should be milking a cow. I also know this old woman who wears them a lot with peasant skirts (don't do that).

The point is boots in general are awesome. And I will judge you however you decide to wear them.

Discuss (and leave suggestions for pictures).

Also, don't forget to weigh in on the MODG coming to the wedding debate.

sarah (signature)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Preguntas, Por Favor

So I am thinking about making this whole "q&a" thing a regular feature here, so keep submitting your questions. If they suck, I will judge you. No pressure.

Now on to the remainder of the questions (wedding plans are coming, *pinky swears*)...

Millitini asked: "Here's a question for you...I've stolen it from the book of stupid questions and would like your take: 'The first time corn popped, do you think it scared the hell out of the Indians?' Discuss."

For starters, I am offended by your language, Millitini. Our friends with the feather are called Native Americans, no Indians. I expect you to be more culturally aware from here on out. Now on to the question...It probably scared the feathers out of their headresses if I had to bet. Can you imagine living your life in your wigwam or teepee or whatever and out of nowhere your damned crops start popping? I would piss my pants. No lie.

brit @ landlocked bride asked: "When are you coming back to STL so we can have a blogger wineries trip?"

This is an excellent question. We were supposed to go back this past weekend for a birthday party for our niece, but S wasn't really in the mood for travel. It looks like we won't be back until July (I think we are going to try something sooner, *fingers crossed*) so I will keep you all updated. The good news is, I am the child's only aunt so even though I missed the party, I'm still her favorite.

Casey asked: "would you rather know it all or have it all? why???"

This question is simple. Since I already know it all, I would have to choose to have it all. Obviously.

Carrie asked: "When are you and MODG finally going to meet in real life?"

Hopefully soon. S says she can come to the wedding if we meet in real life. So obviously, we are meeting in real life. We are taking donations via PayPal from those of you who would like us to meet up and then blog about it.

Monique asked: Question: "Would you like to have my near 8 year old son? He is home sick AGAIN and driving me nuts. Thanks in advance."

No thank you. And to be honest, I'm not even flattered because you seem a little desperate to get rid of him. While I love gifts, I don't like the kind I would be forced to support for the next 10 years. Thanks again. FOR NOTHING.

Midtown Girl asked: "OMG - are you on twitter? Please say yes!"

Is the Pope Catholic? Of course I'm on Twitter (plus there's a link on my sidebar). I'm always interested in cutting edge social networking (despite what I said here).

In another update to this post: This article was on MSN today (you guys can thank S for this one), but it just goes to show you how cutting edge things are over here at ALME. I mean for me and my readers, this topic is so last week.

sarah (signature)

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fun Fact Friday.

I know we have had a couple of weeks off, but fun fact Friday is back!

First off, and in honor of it being Friday and 5 o'clock somewhere and all of that, I wanted to answer this question for Mrs. Sitcom: "What is your prediction for the 'Drink of the Future"? ie What should I imbibe copiously over the coming year? :)"

(sidenote: don't worry people. Your requests will be answered. Including a wedding update. Maybe this will become a weekly thing.)

My suggestion is to not go trendy. Not ever. When you do this, you inevitably end up looking like an asshole. When I see four girls sitting in a corner drinking cosmos, I know they believe they are all Carrie Bradshaw or Samantha or Charlotte (but definitely not one wants to be Miranda), but I digress...

You can't go wrong with wine. I prefer reds to whites, but that's me and I would probably prefer that you stick with whites so you stay the hell away from my bottle, but it's whatever. Champagne is also an excellent choice and classes up any occasion (true story: I had some last night with my nachos at the movie theater). One exception to this rule: sporting events. Don't be the weirdo at the baseball game with your plastic cup of wine. Drink a beer.

If we are talking cocktails, I say stick with the classics. My preference is the side car. A sidecar is essentially a brandy margarita. It's delicious and strong. But be careful, too many and you can wake up with beans in your hair (don't even ask).

No matter what you decide to go with, I want to give you all this advice for drinking in 2010:
(1) Never eat the fruit in the trashcan punch. Nothing good can come of it. I know someone who once lost their toga that way (for the record, not me).
(2) Never touch your mouth to the shot block. You have no idea what sort of diseases you could contract, especially if Ed Hardy types are there.

This week's fun fact:

Astronauts cannot burp in space.

Happy weekending!

sarah (signature)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Back to Solving the World's Problems, 1 Reader Question at a Time

"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."

(By the way, does anyone know where that quote is from? (hint: When Harry Met Sally) I felt like it was an appropriate title because women in general are basically nuts and I have heard people say crap like that in real life or "IRL" as the cool kids say)

Today's topic: Relationships

At least I'm skinny asked: "Where can I find myself a suitable boyfriend so the boys I work with will stop making fun of me? I have very low standards - beating heart, not homeless, not a 500lb virgin, etc." (I cut out the part at the end where she makes some lame excuses for not being on time with her question, but I am generous so I will answer anyway...)

Well, you can meet boys at plenty of places and seeing as how you have obviously low standards, may I suggest the following: prison, strip clubs, rehab and the unemployment office. MODG met B drunk at a tailgate when she walked up to him and announced "hi. I'm going to marry you" (but be careful, Amanda was lucky...she ended up married to Cole Hamels...being too drunk could backfire and you could end up engaged to someone with the uglies). I met S at a bookstore, so you could always go trolling for men at a Barnes & Noble and see what happens (for the record, I wasn't trolling).

Kel and Jame (not sure which one exactly) from Misadventures From the Batcave asked: "Dear Sarah, I like this boy and he doesn't like me back. I can't believe it either, but said was confirmed today when he entered into a facebook relationship with my competitor. I do not find her a worthy opponent. Nor is he good for me. What's my next move?"

Here is my question to you (and yes, I know it is rude to answer a question with a question): why do you like a boy who is no good for you? He clearly lacks sense if he didn't choose you. This can be a bit tricky, but with my expert guidance you will get through this situation with ease. Since we are in the technology age, you must start by putting a super hot photo of you as your Facebook profile pic. The hard part here is that you have to dance the line between "you should like me because I am slutty/easy" (no good) and "you should like me because I am way hotter than those other bitches you look at" (tres good). Then you must go out with people who like you because you are fabulous and forget about the bad news loser who likes some stupid skank.

jessalyn asked as a follow-up to yesterday's question: "also- i was hoping i could add to my question yesterday- its kind of related: how do i get my dumb man friend to buy me a big sparkly ring. (i think the skinnies would help, that's the relation). thanks!"

Dumb man friends can be tough nuts to crack. All I did was act the hotness with a strong case of the skinnies and a touch of witty and S flocked to me, but I want to do all I can to help my readers so for this I will consult S (warning: he is not nearly as funny as I am)...
From S: "Unfortunately, you can't. Putting pressure on him will just drive him away. Patience is the only answer. Sorry."

Updated to add (by me, not S...his friends aren't nearly this resourceful): MODG and Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman reminded me of a story (take it for what it is worth): A girl I know wanted a membership to this health club here in town and membership isn't cheap (think a little more than few thousand dollars for initiation fee and a few hundred a month). Her husband refused to pay the money but she begged and begged. Finally he told her he would hear her out if she created a business plan and set up a meeting with him for one night when he got home from work. She did a ton of research and presented her business her lingerie. She got her club membership.

Sort of related to relationships, but not really, Kiera asked: "is a purple master bedroom demasculinizing?"

Not if you are a homosexual man.
sarah (signature)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Pretty is as Pretty Does.

Not surprisingly, a ton of you asked me questions regarding health/beauty/fitness (and by a ton, I mean 3 people). Tomorrow we will cover relationships, so don't go around today making any rash decisions. This whole thing could take longer than I thought it would though, so this may be turning into a weekly thing. We'll see what happens.

Let's start with the easiest question to answer...
From jessalyn: "i would appreciate secrets to staying skinny please. i need to be as skinny as possible with little to no effort thanks :)"

Well, Jessalyn, this answer is simple: don't eat. When you eat, you get fat. If you don't eat, your stomach shrinks up and after a while you don't even feel hungry anymore. Problem solved. Wasn't it Kate Moss that said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? Adopt that as your mantra. If you must eat, stick with celery. And I mean I guess if you were bored you could go to the gym or go for a jog or something, but exercise is for wimps.

The next question comes from Kristin over at BonBonRose: "Any advice on how to tangle a horrible jungle of a mane into something presentable. I'm thinking gorgeous 40s style waves. You said ask anything."

Kristin you came to the right place. I have stick straight hair that won't hold a curl to save my life, the same haircut for YEARS and when through more than one unfortunate phase where the bangs started in the middle of my head, so clearly you knew what you were doing when you came to me for hair advice. I think you should keep the "40s style waves" to people like Blake Lively who just wake up with amazing hair and instead should consider something like this:

Kristin, I think you would find this both flattering to your frame and your face and something tells me the husband will dig it! The secret to good hair is not to fight it. But if you insist, here's a video (not of me sadly).

Today's last set of questions comes from everyone's favorite hippie/mother-of-the-year, Z-Dub:
"How do you feel about UGG boots? How do you feel about UGG boots + leggings? Should I adopt a baby from Asia?"

Let's get something straight from the beginning, I own two pairs of UGG boots. I wouldn't say that I like them though. The trick with UGGs is knowing when and where they are appropriate. Walking the dog on a chilly morning before you actually put on real clothes? Absolutely okay. One a bazillion hour road trip with your boyfriend at the time to go to his hometown for the holidays with 800 stops at truck stops? Also totally okay (just don't look like you belong at a truck stop). Also, I just bought my first pair of leggings two weeks ago and have worn them in public all of one time (they make me kind of nervous). UGGs and tights teaming up together is an ABSOLUTELY NOT. DO NOT PASS GO. What the hell are you trying to prove in with that combo? It's a terrible idea. I don't care what anyone says about "OMG. It's SOOO cute!" The people who tell you that are LIARS. They want you to look foolish in public and you should probably not hang out with them anymore.

The Asian baby question deserves its own post because Asian babies are an important topic (and I think we all know that one of my priorities is treating things with the respect they deserve). At first I thought, no way. An Asian baby in the Z-Dub house would throw off the entire power balance of power. But then I thought about it some more and thought about how perfect it would be for this reason: Z-Dub and her daughter are white. Her husband is Asian-y and her son is part Asian. The adopted Asian baby would complete the circle of life. So my answer is YES. Absolutely. Adopt an Asian baby and name her Sarah. You're welcome.

sarah (signature)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Now I Know What My Mother Feels Like...

Let's get some things clear, people. When I give you guys an assignment, I expect you all to follow through. I know it is much tougher to follow specific instructions than it is to write "Just found your blog! I'll be back" but I also know that you guys can handle it. If I didn't think you could, I wouldn't give you that much responsibility. Yesterday's turnout was one of the lowest in ALME's recent history, so needless to say I am more than a little disappointed. Maybe you felt like my knowledge was too much for you to handle? Maybe you felt insecure in your desire for help? Don't worry, guys...the only one judging around here is me, and I will be so flattered you came to me for advice, I won't even consider for a second how obviously stupid your question is.

Secondly, last night I watched The Bachelor and immediately felt desperate. And then I was sucked in to Conveyor Belt of Love. Honestly, I can't even talk about the second one.

Now on to your questions...

Not all of them will be answered today, but they all will be answered (hopefully by the end of the week). I am going to start with the most pressing questions...people who need advice on getting their year started right (and I probably play favorites).

So without further ado...

Our first question comes from our friend MODG: "Dear Alme, What should my goals be for 2010. Please list 3. Hearts, MODG"

Dear MODG,
I have given careful consideration to what your goals should be for the coming year and I know you will take my advice to heart and do exactly as I say.
If you feel it is necessary/appropriate, please feel free to update us all on a regular basis as to your progress.
1. Work on your high kicks. We all know that despite your protestations, your life-long goal is to be a professional cheerleader. This is not something to be ashamed of, but it does lead me to your next goal in 2010...
2. Maintain the skinnies for the entire year. You know my standards. I would hate to stop being internet friends on account of you having the fats. We can have weekly weigh-ins and body fat calculations if you think it would help.
3. Find a doula to massage your taint (this is the only word I could come up with for the space between your butthole and your girl parts) to make it pliable for labor. If you are for serious about maybe having a baby at some point, it can't hurt to start this now. According to sources, this is a crucial step in the childbirthing process.
May 2010 find you with sustained good shopping karma.
sarah (signature)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Coming to You From the Future...

...except we are all here, so really it's nothing spectacular...

Remember back in the 80's (or maybe it was the 90's?) when we were all completely convinced that by "the new millennium" we would all be in flying cars? Or at the very least cars that we plugged in when we stopped at the grocery store? Oh man. I am so glad that never happened. I can never remember to charge my cell phone let alone my vehicle and I don't think my boss would buy the whole "Geez. Remembering to plug in the car at night is SO tricky" more than once or twice. After all, it would be THE FUTURE. And none of us exploded or were taken over by the Chinese or robots or whatever was supposed to happen in Y2K.

Anyhow, we have all obviously made it this far. So welcome to 2010.

Here's the deal...I was out sick a couple of days last week and now am having to play catch-up at work. I hate catch-up. So I need you people to do me a favor...leave me questions. Is there anything you are dying to know? You probably want my advice on SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Ask me some stuff and let's see what sort of answers I can come up with.

Welcome to your future, bitches.

sarah (signature)