a life more exciting...

ANNOUNCEMENT

2012-02-02T18:34:00.001-06:00

~~BREAKING~~ SUPER IMPORTANT* NEWS

S and I have joined the year ~~2009~~ 2012 and have FINALLY gotten a DVR.

You guys have no idea how monumental this is.

When S and I were getting ready to move in together in 2010, he still had dial-up internet. That he was paying for. With ~~gum~~ money.

I refused to move in with him unless we were able to get normal internet like normal people. He gave in to my demands.

AND NOW WE HAVE DVR.

The End.

*It was originally breaking news. But then I forgot to post it. So now it's week old, but still super important.

An Open Letter

2012-01-26T17:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Internet (*side eye to Facebook*),

I do not care what the #1 song was on the day you were born.

{ not actually the #1 song the day I was born }

Hugs,

P.S. Could you guys also stop doing the ultrasound as a profile picture thing? They pretty much all look the same.

Wedding Registries v. Baby Registries

2011-12-06T17:26:00.001-06:00

When S an I got married, I was fortunate that everyone around me had already gotten married (literally, every one of my college girlfriends was married/had been married for a while and a majority of the girls I knew from high school were married...only in Texas, I guess). I didn't really care what other people thought as far as the wedding was concerned (I knew what I wanted...sorry I'm not sorry), but they were all great about what I should and shouldn't register for.

Don't get the bread maker. Do get the ice cream maker...it's so amazing and you guys will use it all the time! And on and on and on this went. (Side note: I got neither the bread maker nor the ice cream maker. I also neglected to register for the rice cooker. So far, no one in our house has died. Yet.)

Wedding registries are easy. How big is our house? Do we have room to fit this crap? Do we really need a Kitchen-aid Stand Mixer? (Answer: YES) You answer those questions and then you pick the things that you think look the cutest with your other crap. And then you ~~start stalking your registry to see when people bought you stuff~~ wait patiently for the gifts to come in. Simple.

The rules are so simple. Register for so many things depending on how many people you are inviting/showers you are having/whatever the formula is you're supposed to follow.

{ Someone really sent me this as part of the wedding planning process. You know, so we could figure out which wine glasses really went with our lifestyle? Yeah, I don't know either. }

Then comes the baby registry. This is much much trickier (probably because no one has sent me a sensible graphic demonstrating different parenting styles).

In my experience, most everyone has very specific ideas of what will be right for their baby. If you don't get an angry response for not agreeing, then you typically get the look that says "hope you've been saving for therapy for that kid..." No one tells you that you will get a divorce if you don't register for sterling silver (we didn't). All of my girlfriends who were oh-so-helpful with wedding planning/registry, all have very specific ideas on babies (and yes, just about everyone has babies...some of them have more than one). No two people said similar things. Even people who chose the same product, chose them for totally different reasons. And THERE ARE SO MANY CHOICES! Literally, I looked at the different types of carriers...no clue where to even start.

One friend of mine told me (with a straight face) that I would need no less than 4 strollers to be functional with a baby. FOUR STROLLERS?!?!? In her mind, each had a very different purpose and none of those could overlap. Look, I'm not ~~judging~~ knocking it...it has worked well for her. (Side note: she registered for FIVE different sets of china, you know, just in case, so maybe this was my fault for even asking to begin with.)

And with wedding registries, you are picking gifts for adults. Consenting adults. If it turns out you don't like the blender, you deal with it or you get a new one. It's not a thing. BUT OH MY GOD WHAT IF THE BABY HATES EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE/PACIFIER/SWING/TOY/HIGH CHAIR YOU BUY FOR HIM/HER?!?! THEN WHAT?!?!?

{ laser eyes is what }

BABY REGISTRIES ARE JUST SO MUCH DAMN PRESSURE!

All this is to say, what should we register for? What can't we live without? (Incorrect answer: four different strollers) Feel free to give me all of your reasons in the comments.

I interrupt my regularly scheduled blogging hiatus...

2011-11-26T01:00:00.000-06:00

...to bring you a very important announcement...

Happy ~~Small Business Saturday~~ Birthday, to my very first internet friend MODG!

Go over to her blog IMMEDIATELY and wish her many years of sparkles, countless Asians, unlimited bronzing gel and limited diarrhea.

Only in Texas.

2011-03-07T09:23:00.002-06:00

Last Thursday, we went to the rodeo.

This was the carpet in the stadium (sidenote: this is not just a rodeo venue. it's the same stadium the professional football team plays in.)

Where I've Been.

2011-03-02T15:15:00.001-06:00

See that? That is my eyeball.

It's a MIRACLE! I can see. If you're thinking about LASIK, just go do it. I literally could not see the big E at the top of the vision chart before and now I can see 20/15.

(sorry for the shitty iPhone pics, but thanks to S for taking them for me!)

Only in Texas (Houston Edition)

2011-02-14T09:39:00.000-06:00

This. Is. Ridiculous.

Remember the Friday before Superbowl when the whole country was crippled by snow? When Dallas had to shut down airports due to several inches of snow and no way to get rid of it? In Houston, the freeways were shut down because of ice and the mayor declared everyone should stay at home.

This was outside my patio Friday morning. The temperature was 29. And there had been NO PRECIPITATION.

The white stuff? Salt. You know, just in case.

Technology Tuesday.

2011-02-01T17:28:00.001-06:00

Lame. I know.

Answer this for me, readers...

What do you all think of tumblr?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about making the switch.

And that's saying something pretty major because I used to HATE tumblr.

Promise to be back soon with some new things to chat about.

UPDATE: Apparently, several of you commented on this, but Blogger never mentioned it to me.

Becki Jacket, why do you think you hate it? I need feedback.

tee, tell me more. This whole thing has me confused.

Kelly, I have no clue. But I think using tumblr would get rid of my short post guilt.

Kitchen FAIL.

2011-01-26T13:24:00.003-06:00

Today I was making myself an early lunch (it's Wednesday, so it's not BRUNCH).

The oven beeps telling me the oven has pre-heated and what this is what happens.

{ can you see the handle??? }

{ Even better: when you pulled on the loose side, the whole thing came off. }

Sidenote: Have you guys tried these things? AMAZING.

{ I wasn't paid for this, for the record. But I do accept bribes in the form of chik'n nuggets. }

An Open Letter.

2011-01-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

Dear American Apparel,

For a minute there, we were on the outs. But we can be friends again.

At least as friendly as a gal like me can be with an urban hipster like you.

Hugs,

At Last.

2011-01-18T11:00:00.000-06:00

October 23 ended up being a great day.

S and I got married.

No one killed anyone.

And except for a few very minor things, the day went on without a hitch (pun INTENDED).

Makes My Heart Smile.

2011-01-14T18:26:00.000-06:00

Best view in Paris?

Just go and check it out. You will thank me later.

Sort of backwards.

2011-01-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

We are going to start from the end of things since this ~~isn't even relevant now~~ won't be relevant for very much longer.

NEW YEAR'S EVE.

S and I did nothing. And it was glorious.

Actually, I take that back. We did something. We ate cheese on platters that were wedding gifts. Used the wine chiller and cheese knives Santa gave us. S cooked steaks. And we did all of this while watching back to back episodes of True Blood.

Jealous? What did you guys do?

Oops.

2011-01-12T00:18:00.001-06:00

I realize I haven't blogged in a few days. My bad.

I am trying to write some posts as we speak, so bear with me.

*pinky promise* I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.

ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT I just realized several people had commented on my blog and BLOGGER DID NOT TELL ME.

In WTF News...

2011-01-07T08:54:00.001-06:00

Has anyone else heard about this?!?

Edited to add: apparently the link I posted didn't have the whole story. Go here. The cop issued the 13 year old in a coma a jaywalking ticket. For real. And for the record, the Las Vegas Police Department is backing their officer. Ridiculous.

In short.

2011-01-05T15:22:00.002-06:00

Hi there. Welcome to 2011. And back to me blogging.

Sorry about the absence...

Last time we really chatted was in April, right after I met MODG in New York. A lot has happened since then, so I will just go ahead and give the quick run through and we can go from there. Some is worth talking about and a lot of it isn't.

Ready?

Started volunteering on a full-time basis. (Not a bad job if I say so myself, but it doesn't exactly pay the rent.) And by full-time, I mean like 60 hours a week.

Had to let go of our best friend because he let us know he was ready.

Moved in together. Officially.

Got hired by the non-profit I was volunteering for on a contract basis, right before their major program season started.

Took a trip to St. Louis to visit the (at the time) soon-to-be inlaws and dear friends.

Spent a week at camp.

Finished planning a wedding, sending out invitations, meeting with vendors, organizing RSVPs and everything else that goes with it.

Spent a weekend at camp.

Contract was over, so stopped working for money.

More volunteering.

Took a trip to NYC the weekend before our wedding, to enjoy time away from wedding nonsense and to go to a baby shower.

S and I got married. And then went on a honeymoon.

We traveled to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. We went to the winery as always. I tried to behave myself and get less drunk than usual.

I had a birthday. We celebrated.

Jesus had a birthday. We celebrated that too.

Then there was new years.

And here we are. In 2011.

Hopefully, I will get back to a regular posting again. Agree? Agreed.

Hello?

2011-01-04T16:14:00.000-06:00

Is anyone there?

I'll be back tomorrow and we'll try to start playing catch-up.*

*Or I might just skip catch-up and move on. We'll see how I feel.

The Results are In...

2010-04-26T21:40:00.002-05:00

Saturday night was THE NIGHT.

Amanda was all freaked out by rape, but I was more concerned with murder. There are lots of alleys and shit in New York and B seemed very tall (which = being really awesome at hiding bodies). The really good amazing news is that neither of them turned out to be murderers. At least not yet.

But here's the thing. I hope they don't turn out to be murderers because they were both so fantastic that I would feel bad testifying against them. Shit, I really hope they don't end up killing me. That would be so awkward.

There is a lot of pressure on an internet bestie meeting. We talk pretty much daily (on the internet, duh) and help each other with super important decisions, like what we should pack before trips and is it appropriate to pack a lookbook (answer = yes). Or where the biggest Forever 21 in California is. So if this didn't go well, I would have a major case of the sads and no one to talk to during the day if I ever find another job.

I feel a little bit bad that I disappointed her with my lack of Texas accent. I did manage to drop a y'all though, which I think impressed her. And S (the non-Texan) explained the usage of "y'all" versus "all y'all." Intriguing dinner conversation to say the least.

And for the record, I didn't eat a baby. Neither did S. We had totally normal things (I had some fish, he had some steak) and MODG was not lying when she said she basically ate off the kids menu. She asked for chicken tenders, but the waiter said no, so she was sad and B ordered some sort of piglet/baby chick thing that was the SUPER FANCIEST THING ON THE MENU.

Then S ordered lots of beers for B.

And Amanda rubbed her ass in a stranger's face (no she wasn't lying about that on her blog. +458 awesome points for her).

Then when the boys were paying the bill, B is all "Is it time for a photoshoot?" (+64 cool points for him) And we are all, "No, not in here" acting like we are totally modest. Then MODG is all "Why would we even take pictures, I can't put your face on the blog?!" (she says this to me) and S goes "SURE YOU CAN!" (he didn't ask me)

So then we walked outside, literally blocked the door and had a 5 minute photo shoot (including some with my camera that look like a drunk took them because I don't have a fancy professional one that requires me to carry it in a big ass purse).

Then the poop/fart cramps started (hers, not mine)and the toilet at the restaurant had a gangsta lean so they had to bail.

When they got in cab, S and I went to a bar called Asian (it was totally fate...literally right across the street from where we ate) to celebrate my very first internet meeting.

His verdict: "She looks way less Asian in person. They can totally come to the wedding."

P.S. If you go to her blog to see my face, please note that I am not pregnant and neither of our faces are that shiny in real life. Thanks for understanding.

Oh and P.P.S. those aren't leggings. Those are my FANCY PANTS.

George Washington is a Jerk.

2010-04-23T10:45:00.001-05:00

This guy is sort of an asshole. Don't believe me? Read this.

Happy weekending!

Remember that time...

2010-04-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

...that I told you all that I had big news and then I never talked about it again?

Remember how I said I didn't want to say anything until plans were finalized and that you would die of awesomeness?

Tonight S and I head out of town for New York. He has work and I get to hang out...sounds fair, no? But that's not the big news.

THE BIG NEWS SO AWESOME YOUR FACE MIGHT EXPLODE SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Saturday night MODG and I will finally meet. For real. In person. B and S have agreed to participate as well, so things should be interesting.

I am pretty sure there is only one reason S agreed to be a part of this: MODG needs his "clearance" to be invited to the wedding. If she and B can prove to S that they would be amazing wedding guests, they get an invite.

Keep your fingers crossed that B and MODG don't blow it.

Excuses are Like Assholes...

2010-04-18T23:13:00.000-05:00

...sorry about the delay. I have absolutely no excuse for the lack of blogging except to say that it is so much harder to come up with topics when I am not busy procrastinating at work.

For whatever reason, this inspired me to take a look at my Google Analytics. There was a time when I would check this on a regular basis (needless to say, there haven't been any of those times lately).

I had all of the usual suspects...
a life more exciting blog
a life more exciting
alifemoreexciting
lifemoreexciting
i hate life i want something new and exciting

Then things got a little random and wedding related, which confused the hell out of me because I am pretty awful about wedding-related posts (not because I don't want to share, I just never do it):
my wedding updates blogspot
a guy took the garter off my gf with his teeth
audience participation unity candle wedding
did you do a garter toss at your wedding?
garter every inch above the knee
garter toss out of favor
garter toss tacky
garter wedding is tacky let's face it
instead of putting garter flower catch
is the garter toss tacky
making a bouquet out of bows for rehearsal
point of garter toss
putting garter on tradition
wedding garter toss creepy
what if there's no one to throw a garter to?
cool thing to take my wife's garter off

There were even more garter related keywords, but I decided to spare you all the rest. Needless to say, garters are a hot topic around here lately. To answer whoever came here because they were curious if the garter toss is tacky...the answer is yes. YES. And it was confirmed by whoever found me by Google-ing "garter wedding is take let's face it." Thanks for the back-up, friend. I'm a little concerned for the person who had a guy take a garter off his girlfriend with his teeth...that feels more than a little awkward to me (Was your girlfriend the bride? This could make things even worse.). But I hope I was able to help. Oh and I'm not sure that the guy who is talking about taking his wife's garter off is wedding-related.

Randomly, there were lots of keywords involving wellies, which confused the shit out of me because I only posted about them once (during a phase where I was going to try to talk about random pictures), but there is apparently a lot of interest out there:
college hunter wellies
girls hunter wellies pictures
hunter wellies
hunter wellies photos
wellies pictures 2010
should i wear jeans over wellies

And this is only a portion of the weird wellie keywords. But no worries, shit gets weirder...

There were several (I mean SEVERAL) keywords involving vaginas and birthing. I mainly blame this post and Z-Dub for this weirdness, but I'm also sort of flattered that the internet feels I have vast birthing knowledge:
baha'i "water birth"
doulas rubbing vaginas
hony vag
weird but exciting places to give birth

For those of you coming here expecting porn, I'm sorry I let you down. I feel like the person looking for "hony vag" was terribly disappointed. Also, I know nothing of a water birth. I am sure it's beautiful and awesome and organic, but all I think of is sitting in a tub of your own fluids and get totally freaked out (for the record, I refuse to take baths, I only shower, because the thought of sitting in my own filth horrifies me). I do know someone baha'i though. The internet could probably sense that. And as for weird but exciting places to give birth...how about the orangutan cage at the zoo? It's all "WTF? Why am I in the orangutan cage at the zoo? But damn if I survive this shit, this will make an amazing party story." See? Weird but exciting.

Next is the portion where the internet tried to insult me:
"i am a mean bitch"
make sarah's life more exciting

Screw you, internet. Moving on...

Things took a turn for even more weird, but I am pretty sure I am amazed and flattered that (1) there are people out there looking for some of this crap and (2) they found me as a result of it:
more straight asian guys public peeing
sarcasic digs at ppl
why pigs were banished in philadelphia in 1710
where to find sarcastic chat room remarks
vicky gunvelson
sarcasic digs at ppl
houston newscaster belt buckle and old blue jeans
kinky hair white
is it correct to say "they refused to speak to me"

I'll be honest, I had no idea people still used chatrooms. This is 2010, not 1996. Get with it. Whoever was looking for peeing asians is probably a pervert or a weirdo, but they get lots of credit from me for being so supportive of Asians 2010. Based on the "kinky hair white" and the questions involving grammar, people are wanting me to bring back my advice column. Person looking for "vicky gunvelson"...she doesn't live here. But she spells her name V-I-C-K-I. You're welcome. Finally (you're probably thinking THANK GOD), I hope whoever was looking for the "sarcastic digs" left satisfied.

This was my long drawn out way of saying I'm sorry. And I *pinky promise* to try to be better at blogging and not stay gone so long.

Only in Texas.

2010-04-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

There are no words for this.*

*For the record, I have been trying to load this stupid picture for 2 days and every time I tried, Blogger laughed in my face and said, "Haha! No way that shit is real. The internet only posts truth." But then I guess Blogger did a little Texas research and figured it probably was true, so they went with it.

An Open Letter.

2010-03-31T22:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa Barbara,

Thank you so much for hosting S and I a couple of weeks ago. We had an amazing time visiting you and hope to eventually make it back there. Despite the creepy/weird/maybe-a-kidnapper-but-I'm-not-really-sure-and-don't-want-to-judge Italian teenager running the front desk at check-in, the bed & breakfast (once again, after a rocky start with a funny smell) ended up being perfect. It wasn't their fault that the last few times we have picked completely random hotels off the internet based on Google Maps and pretty pictures they were absolutely perfect. Your friend and neighbor Los Olivos was pretty amaze balls too. Great wine and nice people.

I liked you. I really did. I even liked you so much I recommended you to my friend MODG (maybe when she's in a famous H&M ad she can do her shoot with you).

Santa Barbara, you and I both know you're gorgeous, so I will just cut to the chase...

Before our trip everyone asked if we had done any traveling in California. I explained and so did S. When we mentioned our last trip was to Laguna Beach, everyone turned their noses up at us. Called us yuppies and snobs. According to everyone, Laguna Beach is too rich. Basically a suburb for LA. Everyone said nothing could beat the "artist hamlet" that is Santa Barbara. So quaint. Perfect small town. On and on and on everyone went.

Well, Santa Barbara, everyone is a liar. When State Street includes a Saks Fifth Avenue, Forever 21 and multiple Starbucks, you are no longer allowed to call yourself "quaint." Not even an artist beach fair will help you claim that title. No, I am not arguing with good shopping. I love good shopping just about as much as I love wine and babies, but a Macy's and an Restoration Hardware are sort of the anti-artist.

You do have gorgeous mountain views and badass beach scenery, so no worries, we'll be back.

Until next time...

Hugs,

Sarah

Found.

2010-03-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

The one advantage of being unemployed is that it really frees up your schedule to do totally random crap during the day that you never had time to do when you were employed. Like go to 4 TJMaxxs in a row with your little sister. And find shit like this on the shelf.

Be back with a real post later.*

*Later might be tomorrow.

Wedding Update.

2010-03-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

Hi. Remember that time I said I was going to post more? Me neither. But I'm here.

I promised last week that I would talk about the whole garter toss thing and why it isn't for me, but first an update (on wedding shenanigans).

I've decided I should take some time during all of this unemployment nonsense to convince someone to bake us a cake and put together some flowers. I should also find someone to deal with my makeup and my hair. Suggestions? Send them my way.

I have ordered (and picked up) invitations. Sent out save the dates. Bought wedding shoes for myself. Picked up the bridesmaids dresses.

And now? Now I wait. And wait.

Some days October seems a LONG way off.

One thing that was apparently very hard for people to grasp was the fact that I refuse to do a garter toss. I'm not sure why but people (imaginary internet people and family and everyone else) seems to get bent out of shape when I announce that I am not letting S toss my garter (that just sounds dirty), but nearly every time I mention it, I get a crazy look or a "Why not? It's tradition! You LOVE tradition!"

That's right, I do love tradition. I love the idea of something old, something new. But the garter is just too much for me. (Same goes for the unity candle but that's a different story for a different day.)

In my original post on the matter I said: "Here is the thing: I'm not into PDAs in general, let alone INVITING my brand-new husband to go up my dress in front of all of our friends and family. Nothing about that to me sounds fun. Would you let your husband reach up your dress at the family reunion? (If your answer is yes, please find another blog. Thanksomuch.) I don't see how this shit is any different."

I've been to plenty of weddings where a garter toss was the norm. I have seen grooms climb up a bride's dress and I have seen it where they just have an extra garter on hand. Either way, I think it's tacky. And I don't want something I find tacky at OUR WEDDING.

As a matter of fact, I do not even plan to wear a garter at all. It's not my thing.

I am pretty sure S could absolutely care less about any of this garter nonsense, but it doesn't hurt my case that almost all of his male friends (and a lot of mine as well) who will be at the wedding are married.

When I originally posted this last month, Maggie left a great comment (and it's great advice for every bride):

"Totally with you here.

Wedding "traditions" that we skipped:
- Bouquet toss
- Garter toss
- Father walking down the aisle
- Veil
- Minister
- Wedding cake
- Wedding favors

He even snuck into bed with me the night before. Screw not seeing each other - it's the only way we were going to get a good night's sleep.

Point is, we eliminated everything that felt icky and fake to us, and concentrated on making it the most "us" we could. And our wedding rocked because of that.

Go with your gut."

More questions? Feel free to leave them in the comments (and I promise to be better about getting to them...sorry for the delay Brown Girl)

Miss Me?

2010-03-18T21:39:00.001-05:00

Hey there.

I didn't forget about any of you. I left town last Thursday for Santa Barbara and came back late Sunday night. (The trip was fabulous, thanks for asking. Amazing weather. Lots of wine. S and I had a great time. I can get into details later if you like.)

I came back to work Monday. Did my thing until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon when I got called into my boss' office and was laid off because my position was being eliminated (or was it consolidated?...who knows).

I have spent most of the week trying to come up with some semblance of a resume and figure out what I am going to do.

The good news is that I was ready to let go of that old job. I had a feeling that the lay-offs were on there way. No idea why I didn't actually ever start looking in other places but I didn't. I was underpaid and had the world's shittiest commute, so the way I see it, nothing but good can come from this little incident.

More good news: being unemployed gives me more time for blogging. I'll see what I can do about posting more. Deal? Deal.

P.S. Brown Girl your explanation on garter toss is coming. I was going to do it this week, but a pity party trumped blogging. Sorry.

P.P.S. Go here and vote for Jen. She is a badass who just so happens to have breast cancer and was nominated by her friends to walk in the Survivor Parade at the Kentucky Oaks. It will take all of 5 seconds of your life to vote, but do yourself a favor and take an extra 45 seconds to read her story. (And if that doesn't convince you, she promised SGM she would stalk any and all members of the Bravo family that happen to be there.) Go. Now.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-03-12T10:30:00.001-06:00

I'm not here today. So if you see this, I'm pretty much capable of magic. I know, I'm awesome.

I'm in Santa Barbara for the weekend, so if you don't hear from me, I'm not dead. Please don't call the police. Thanks in advance.

Last week, not many of you guys participated in FFF, which is pretty much bullshit.

In addition to the old rules (post a fun fact), there is a new a rule: no more facts about the length of your arm matching your foot size or licking your elbow. No more.

Last week's fun fact comes from Llama: "More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes."

My Fun Fact is: Pigs were banished from Philadelphia’s city streets in 1710.

This confuses me...are pigs a huge problem in Philly? I have no idea.

Leave your Fun Fact in the comments.

Anyhow...happy weekending!

So Close.

2010-03-10T10:07:00.000-06:00

Last night, I was almost approached by aliens.

Or so I thought.

I was laying in bed around 11:30 PM (i.e. way past my bed time) and there was a bright beam of light and a loud noise outside my window (like something was hovering).

At first, I was really nervous to open the blinds to see what the deal was (side note: it's weird that this makes me nervous because I am constantly convinced that someone is going to break into my car so I have mastered the sneaky "open the blinds without being seen" trick), but then I remembered that MODG once taught me that if you ask an alien if they are an alien, they have to say yes. Plus, I spend a lot of time listening to Coast to Coast AM with S, so I decided I could handle this.

Then I heard police sirens. And I got sort of pissed that one of my asshole neighbors (who are mostly old people, except the firefighter/EMS guy and family) called the cops. The #1 rule of aliens/ghosts is don't call the police. They always screw it up.

N.W.A. knew what was up. Police have no respect for aliens/ghosts.

Come to find out, it wasn't aliens at all. It was a police helicopter trying to find someone/chase someone down.

Or at least that's what the government is telling me.

Z-Dub Knows What's Up.

2010-03-08T09:22:00.004-06:00

Fun fact about me: I have baby fever. To the MAXIMUM. I love babies. I wanted babies like yesterday. YEAH BABIES. Love them. They are adorable. Even when they poop. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Seriously. Not even pregnancy scares me (okay, maybe I'm a little scared of getting the fats and being able to ditch them). But what scares the shit out of me is childbirth. You know, that step where the baby has to go from your uterus to the outside world. TRAUMATIZING. Even worse, at one point I worked in Labor & Delivery in a run-down hospital. When you are in college, that shit will scar you. Enter my favorite ~~ghost whisperer~~ Asian, Z-Dub.

She is like a birthing guru. If you are considering having babies, you must read her how-to guide. Warning: there is lots of vagina talk. But if you don't learn about vaginas on the internets, who else is going to tell you.

Enter Z-Dub:

Everything You Need To Know About Childbirth That They Don't Tell You. Because This Is Some Scary On The Level Shit.

Once upon a time, I left a comment on Sarah's post where she gave some advice for Amanda regarding doulas and perineal massage and how it is crucial to childbirth. I mentioned that I practiced perineal massage (for SIX months) when pregnant with my son and she asked me to write a little something special to share with you all. Since Sarah does not have children and I have mad birthing wisdom to share, I agreed. ZDub=Birth Guru. You need to pay attention to this, the health of your vagina depends on it.

Y'all, childbirth is way fucked up. It's gross. And it hurts. I am not telling you the following story to scare you; I'm telling you because these are important childbirth facts that no one bothers to tell you. It's all sunshine and rainbows because "OMG! BABY!", but that baby has to come out of you somehow and some real shit goes down when it does. Brace yourself.

When I was pregnant with my daughter in 2000, I planned to have a home water birth. I had a midwife and she was worried about the size of the baby because I had gained 50 pounds and was huge. I was 24 and not really stressed. I thought it was going to be super easy to get the baby out because I had watched 3,234 episodes of the Baby Story and those women push like three times and BAM! baby. Cut to me pushing for FIVE muthafucking hours and NO baby. I pushed in the birth tub, on my bed, the hallway, the toilet (lid closed), the couch, no baby. A tiny bit of her head was out and that was it. STUCK. I thought I was going to straight up die.

I had to be transported to the hospital in the back of a Volvo station wagon. And not push. It was a thirty minute drive and I was so afraid that the baby was going to fall out in the car. Once we got the hospital, the midwife and the ob/gyn on duty decide they are going to give me a midline episiotomy, you know, cut my perineum with scissors, to see if that will help with getting my daughter out. The ob/gyn did this with no drugs or even a local and sometimes late at night, I can still feel/hear the cut.

At this point, they decide to further torture my vagina and use forceps to pull the baby out. I thought they would look like salad tongs, small. They do look like salad tongs, Paul Bunyon's salad tongs.

So, I have a baby's head barely out, a cut open vagina and then they put in the forceps. This is the absolutely worst, searing pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I didn't even really feel my daughter coming out because my vagina is being treated like a character in Reservoir Dogs. Straight torture and never again. My daughter was fine and weighed almost ten pounds and it takes my vagina almost seven weeks to heal from this nonsense.

Six years later in 2007, I am pregnant with my son. My vagina boycotts all things scissors/forceps/baby related, but after a long talk, my vagina and I decide it will be different this time. Less Reservoir Dogs, more Care Bears II: A New Generation. Enter Super Doula.

I was using a different midwife this time and she knew my difficult birth history. She recommended a doula and gave me the name of one in town that she worked with on a regular basis. A doula is a birthing badass who hangs out with you while you are in labor and takes care of you. She does whatever to help you and it starts while you are pregnant. We met at a coffee shop and she was all business. I filled out some forms and she handed me a sheet of paper and told me it was my homework. The paper was a full sheet of information on perineal massage.

I massaged my perineum with almond oil for SIX months. She recommended this based on the fact that I had an episiotomy and preferred not to have another. This is supposed to make your vagina pliable and not mad at you and stuff.

When I went into labor, Super Doula arrived at the house immediately. She rubbed my back, microwaved some sort of rice bag for me, brought me socks, ran me a bath and told my husband what to do. Please do not assume you don't need a doula because you have a husband. They are pointless and do not get it. Super Doula loved me and my vagina and was well worth the $500 in cold hard cash we paid her. (Doulas usually aren't covered by insurance which is total bullshit.)

At the birth center, she filled everyone in on what was going on and gave me positive reinforcement. Super Doula knows everything you need before you need it. She gave me honey straws and sips of Gatorade. She brought a crock pot and filled it with warm water, fresh ginger and washcloths and HELD them on my vagina while I was pushing, or for "perineal soothing during crowning" as she put it. Super Doula informed us that fresh ginger root helps bring blood flow to perineal tissues to maximize stretching. That's caring.

I pushed for two hours with my son and when he came out, I tore badly. However, I didn't need forceps. My midwife informed me that I basically tore right where my episiotomy had been and it could have been much worse. Super Doula saved the day as far as I'm concerned. All women should have a doula. Period.

Although there is still nothing anyone can do about the bleeding. After you have a baby, you bleed for like two months straight and get to wear a maxi pad as big as your head. And mesh panties. You get to wear mesh panties home from the hospital to hold your gigantic pad in place.

Knowing is half the battle. ZDub loves you. And your baby.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-03-05T13:29:00.000-06:00

After this post, I received the following comment from landlockedbride:

"Baha. I had a good found the other day which consisted of a girl in leggings that were too tight - I could see her thong. The photo didn't turn out very well though :( I was gonna send it to you and put "Found: Your underwear"

This has potentially inspired something new. Send me weird shit you see. Don't be bashful. If it's good, I'll post it, and I will give you all of the credit. I win because I'm lazy and sometimes don't know what to post. You win because you get recognition from me (which we know is all you guys really want anyway).

But on to the task at hand...

You guys know the drill. Leave your fun fact in the comments. As of last week, I promised I would pick a favorite.

Jane said: "Your earlobes line up with your nipples... true story."

His piercings line up nicely with his lobes, no?

Thank you, Jane, for inspiring all of us to lock ourselves in the bathroom at work to test this theory.

Today's Fun Fact: In 2000,4,058,814 babies were born in the U.S.

Holy shit. That's a lot of babies.

Impress me with your knowledge in the comments.

Happy Weekending!

Found.

2010-03-02T07:32:00.000-06:00

This was found in the window of the same hospital gift shop where I found this. So maybe that's why I find it so strange. I get it. It's telling you to blow out the birthday candle. But still...weird.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-02-26T09:09:00.003-06:00

Welcome to Friday, people.

You guys have been doing really well lately with the facts. It's been almost TWO WEEKS since I have been forced to read the "it's impossible to lick your elbow" nonsense that I got for several weeks in a row. Golf claps to all of you.

This week we have exciting new changes to FFF. Each week, I am going to feature the best and the brightest (read: the one I like the most) Fun Fact from the week before.

Today's Favorite Fun Fact comes from a reader that doesn't always comment, but when they do, they make it count:

剩沒底天 said...

希望能常常看到你的更新...

My Fun Fact: Polar bears are left-handed.

And in honor of Go Texan Day:

Happy Weekending!

Only in Texas.

2010-02-25T14:44:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the hiatus. But I'm back.

Last weekend S and I had a thing. Let me start by saying that I was wary about this "thing" from the moment we received the invitation. The attire called for "dressy denim and boots."

When we got there, this was what we pulled up to.

I know it looks like it was taken by a drunk. It wasn't. **pinky swears** We were being rushed up the driveway because people were behind us and S forced me to speed the process along. But what you can see is a country club with a big ass Texas flag across the front. Only in Texas.

Which leads me to the outfit that Texas is proud of: the Texas Tux.

There is some debate on what this ensemble includes.

Per urbandictionary.com: "Denim jacket, denim jeans, often accompanied by a bolo tie and denim shirt. May include cowboy boots and/or cowboy hat" I have never heard it described this way. I would hope even Texans would think twice before showing up in something like that.

WikiAnswers is more on board for the definition as I know it: "Texas Tux is tuxedo worn with jeans, cowboy boots, and cowboy hat. Often the cummerbund is replaced with a large belt buckle as well. Hence, only the tux shirt, jacket, and bow-tie remain from the original tuxedo."

Basically, it looks like this:

Snazzy, no?

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-02-19T11:49:00.000-06:00

This week has kicked my ass.

So let's get right down to it.

Fun Fact Friday. You know the rules. Leave a fun fact. Or else.

Fun fact: When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months.

Happy Weekending!

Sidenote: there used to be a news anchor in Houston (RIP Marvin Zindler) who used to sign off on Friday nights with "Have a good weekend - good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy." Every time I say "Happy Weekending" I think of that.

In Defense of Sarcasm.

2010-02-16T20:01:00.002-06:00

When I started writing this post, it was going to be about people being too uptight about what other people wrote. As a blogger, you choose to put yourself out on the internet. In making that choice, you also have to be open to potential criticisms people make about you.

It was going to be sort of generic and talk about some random things that I have noticed lately. Mainly, too much unnecessary drama. People copying each other. People getting hurt feelings. People starting rumors about other people that they have only met three times in their life. The list goes on...

A few weeks ago, a blogger got her feelings hurt after she posted pictures from a party. Here is what the commenter said:

"I am SURE you are a wonderful girl. That is a beautiful dress and your hair is gorgeous but the color is WAY too light blonde for your skintone. Your roots and eyebrows look BLACK and that is not flattering. It washes you out. You need something less severe. You will be so glad you listened when it comes time to look back on your wedding photos years from now. Instead of saying what I was thinking? You'll be pleased."

In my opinion (for what it's worth), this commenter wasn't being rude. She was giving AN OPINION. The blogger posted pictures of herself on the internet and a reader left HER OPINION. It's the blogger's right to have hurt feelings, but you can't get pissed that someone left an opinion. You put it out there. If you are looking for compliments only, maybe you should make your blog private. My only problem with the above comment is that the person chose to remain anonymous. If you are going to have an opinion, make it count and put your name behind it. Otherwise, what's the point.

But then today there was another incident...

A blogger got her ass chewed for making jokes involving another blogger. She was called judgmental and mean, among other things. Here is a comment that was left on her post:

"So you're a bitch. And you internet bully. And you hate junior league, sororities, and all things deemed "high society".

Can't we all just hug it out?

I hate Lilly, but I am in the junior league and was in a sorority. I cuss and wear black and despise lobsters on pants.

But was this post really necessary? Do you even know the person you're hating on? Because I know if I received an email like yours, I wouldn't have responded either. It's clear you're trying to make fun of her. Why would she respond? And an entire post? Really?

Not to mention, you've just made this preppy blogger even more popular. You're fueling readership to her blog. And I can tell you, as someone that knows her in person, she absolutely doesn't care.

It's sad really..."

There were several nasty comments left including things like:

"Aside from all things pink & green, "preppy" and Lilly related, why do you feel the need to attack someone that you don't know?

I personally know this blogger and what you say is completely untrue. And just to make it very clear I don’t own a single piece of Lilly so the fact that we are friends has nothing to do with pink and green or Lilly. It’s pretty clear from your snarky email that you did not genuinely want to come to the Lilly Warehouse sale so who could blame her for not responding to you email.

Just because someone happens to be preppy or like Lilly doesn’t mean that they deserve to have hatred spewed towards them. The same could be said about your creepy obsession with Suri Cruise, does warrant an attack because you are some sicko???? Everyone has different things that they are interested in……"

"I'm not preppy at all. Im anti-preppy but that doesn't mean I exclude preppy people from my life just because they wear Lilly."

NEWSFLASH: being a bitch to someone you think was a bitch doesn't make you right either.

Here's the thing. I don't condone people being mean to each other. I really don't. (Sidenote: one of my biggest pet peeves in life is when someone is attempting to offend or insult another person and doesn't use the appropriate grammar. Kills me.) But what's wrong with honesty and what's so wrong with making a joke or being sarcastic. No one complained when the jokes were about Asians or fat people and no one came to the defense of babies, but you literally say something harmless and people flip their shit. Does this make any sense to anyone?

Is it weird that she is obsessed with Suri? Probably. But it is certainly no more weird than my obsession with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. And without a doubt less weird than an obsession with pastel prints as an adult. But you know what? To each is own.

This issue turned much bigger than it needed to. These people who were supposedly "defending" their friend turned around and did the very thing they accused MODG of doing. Do me a favor. Go read THIS POST. But after you do that, make sure to check out the rest of her blog.

You'll notice nowhere in the post does she say "I HATE ANYONE WHO IS IN THE JUNIOR LEAGUE AND LIKES LILLY PULITZER. THEY ARE AWFUL AND SHOULD HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES LISTENING TO NICKLEBACK." All she says is that Lilly might hate her and she got the side-eye in the Lilly store and that a certain blogger never responded to her e-mail. (And obvs she can't hate the Junior League because I am in the Junior League and we are internet besties.)

True, she says: "So MODG readers. ~~Go to her blog and tell her that she hurt my feelings and also try and prank call her if you can. That's the true reward for pissing me off.~~ I mean be nice, I guess." But see, that is a little something called SARCASM. It's new, so maybe you have never heard of it. No big deal.

And she talks about the blogger in question just like she talks about everyone else. No one came to my defense when she called me a bitch, but then again no one has come to her defense when I called her a bitch. Why is this scenario different? Why is it appropriate to talk shit now of all times?

I am convinced that grown-ass adults can't get over shit. Blogging is not high school. That especially goes for you. And you.

Everyone's hypersensitivity is zapping my will to blog.

As I have said before, if you don't like what someone says, don't read it.

{ source }

P. S. If you are trying to insult someone, don't use the word "classy." For the love, it makes you sound like Vicki Gunvelson from Real Housewives and it makes me laugh at you behind your back.

News You Can Use.

2010-02-16T12:15:00.001-06:00

I've got news. Big news, in fact. Most would probably even call it HUGE news.

But you guys can't know yet.

But as soon as things are finalized you will know. And you will die of awesomeness.

Get ready.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-02-12T10:18:00.000-06:00

S and I are shopping for a house. We had been to open houses and all of that jazz before, but we have finally gotten serious. Engaged a Realtor, all that jazz.

Every time you look at a house, they give you a "Seller's Disclosure Notice." Until we looked at a house with an actual real live Realtor, I had never paid attention to this (mainly because it was still all pretend in my head).

That's when I noticed today's fun fact...

On The Texas Association of Realtors Seller's Disclosure Notice, one of the questions is:

"Are you (Seller) aware of any of the following conditions: (Mark Yes (Y) if you are aware and No (N) if you are not aware.)

Previous Use of Premises for Manufacture of Methamphetamine."

Leave your fun fact in the comment and try your best not to good "fun facts" or "random fact". I am on to you people.

Word.

2010-02-11T15:41:00.001-06:00

Bitches ain't shit but hoes & tricks

Lick on these nuts & suck the dick

Get the fuck out after you're done

And I hope in my ride to make a quick run...

Found.

2010-02-11T09:26:00.000-06:00

This photo is titled: "The time I parked my car next to an axe murderer and could have died but did not."*

*Do you not see the mannequin head in the backseat? #1 sign of a killer.

An Open Letter.

2010-02-10T15:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Neighbor,

I realize you are a firefighter or an EMT or both (but definitely not neither because once you came to your house in an ambulance, which to be honest, I'm not sure is totally legal). But this does not explain why you insist on coming home and getting into and out of the car repeatedly at my bed time.

For a while, I was consistently going to be at somewhere around 10:30. Every night you came home, banged around in your driveway and went inside (I know what you were doing because more than once I was CONVINCED my car was being broken into and peeked out the window with my cell phone in hand so I could call the cops...false alarm). Last night I went to bed slightly earlier than I had been (my preferred time of 9 o'clock, thankyouverymuch), and you were back in your driveway banging around.

Is this some sort of joke? Honestly, I am not even mad about this, more just confused. Why does this always happen as I am going to bed? Are you stalking me and you have to put up your spy equipment once I go to bed?

Please explain yourself.

Hugs,

Bad News.

2010-02-09T14:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a test of your psychic abilities.

All of you FAILED.

Except her. And Amy (but only because Amy knows Mandarin).

You Speak Mandarin?

2010-02-08T14:32:00.000-06:00

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-02-05T08:36:00.000-06:00

Last night, 2 Buddhist monks walked into the sushi restaurant.

Not a joke. Totes 100% serious.

Seriously.

So today is Friday.

Leave your FACT in the comments. Don't tell me how funny or pretty I am unless you are also making my brain smarter (honestly, I don't know if that's even possible).

Fun Fact: In the early 1900's, an elephant was actually tried, convicted, and hanged for murdering a politician's daughter during a circus parade.

Happy Weekending!

Peer Pressure is a Bitch.

2010-02-03T09:04:00.001-06:00

Last week, my Asian friend, MODG, posted a face collage. Today, my other Asian friend posted hers.

What does this tell me? (Besides the fact that I am awesome because my internet friendships are so diverse) THAT THE INTERNET DOESN'T LIE.

So of course, since everybody else (or at least everybody else I deem cool and awesome) was doing it, I had to do it too.

Obviously.

(They cropped out my signature Miley Cyrus/Asian tourist pose...*sads*)

So at first, I was PISSED. Chelsea Clinton? She has crazy hair. Not interested. Not even a little cute.

But then I saw Elle Macpherson WHO WAS A SUPERMODEL and Petra Nemcova who Wikipedia describes as "a model, television host, author, and philanthropist" (I was just going to say ANOTHER MODEL) and I was like "Holy hell. The internets are ALWAYS truthful. ALWAYS."

Feeling totally confident, I submitted another picture and this is where I started to lose a little bit of my faith in the interwebs...

This is where at first I was all "WTF INTERNET. CANDICE BERGEN. LANCE BASS. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME INTERNET."

And then it dawned on me...the internet is so in tune with truth and honesty that from this picture it picked up my amazing wedding planning skills and witty comebacks circa CBerg in Bride Wars. Duh. Then I realized it was able to infer my off the charts dance moves and ability to dance as a part of a group and my amazing stage presence...LANCE BASS.

I'm sorry I doubted you internet.

A Parable.

2010-02-02T08:32:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sarah. Sarah was pretty, smart and had a constant case of the skinnies. Seriously, this girl was awesome. Sarah had a very nice fiance named S who was lovely and strong and funny and nice to be around. He was pretty awesome too.

One day, S was playing kickball and heard a pop in his knee (followed by pain, swelling, etc.). When he finally got it looked at MONTHS later, he realized he was going to need knee surgery.

** cue the sads **

S scheduled his surgery for 2 days after Sarah's birthday and a couple of weeks before Christmas. This was a perfect idea in theory (nobody's office is nearly as busy during Christmas). In practice, not so much.

Sarah tried to take the best care of S that she could. She even made toast for him every single morning. She HATES toast. She helped him shower and change his clothes (and that wasn't even the worst of it). When S decided to go back to work, Sarah drove him to work and picked him up in the afternoons.

One day, S could drive again and he didn't need Sarah to take him around. Sarah was okay with this. She got to hang out with S and not take care of him all the time. They were happy.

Then, out of nowhere, S came home with a very cute shopping bag in his hands. It was a surprise for Sarah.

It was a thank you gift for being so pretty and helpful. And it came in the form of heels with red soles.

And they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: do to others what you would like to be done to you and then you get Louboutins. The end.

Just Say No to Garter Toss.

2010-02-01T12:12:00.001-06:00

Last week, I asked you guys about the bow-quet. You guys for the most part said not only no, but HELL NO. Look, people, I'm with you.

The weirdest thing about all of this wedding crap is how defensive people get when you say you are not doing something that is deemed "tradition."

When we first got engaged and got this whole planning process started, I was talking to a family friend and said "Yeah. And there is NO WAY IN HELL I am doing a garter toss. To be honest, I'm pretty iffy on the bouquet toss as well." You would have thought I had punched a million puppies in their faces she was so upset.

So, the garter toss...

Per wedalert:

"Today, the tradition of the wedding garter is tame in comparison to France of the 14th century. In North America, the bride wears two garters; one as a keepsake garter and the other for the throw away.

Both garters are worn on the right leg just above the knee.

Before the removal of the garter, the bride first throws her bouquet to the single women.

The groom removes the throw away garter from the brides leg, sometimes he removes it with his teeth, but more appropriately nowadays he uses his hands. He does this while the bride is sat in a chair.

After the garter is removed, he then throws it to the single male guests. The male guest then takes the garter and places it on the leg of the single female guest who has caught the bouquet.

Those that catch either item are said to be the next to marry. In some instances, it is said that they will marry each other.

The keepsake garter is removed later in private during the honeymoon night."

Dear wedalert, thanks for clarifying that the second is removed in private.

Here is the thing: I'm not into PDAs in general, let alone INVITING my brand-new husband to go up my dress in front of all of our friends and family. Nothing about that to me sounds fun. Would you let your husband reach up your dress at the family reunion? (If your answer is yes, please find another blog. Thanksomuch.) I don't see how this shit is any different.

In what world is this appropriate? Please. Someone tell me.

My grandmother will be there. She already doesn't like me, I don't need to fuel the fire.

To add to this, most of the men at the wedding will be married. Same goes for the ladies.

Bottom line: In my world, garter tosses are tacky. The end.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-01-29T09:48:00.001-06:00

My brain hurts this morning. Not so much of a hangover as much as total exhaustion. (I went out last night for wine night, but didn't feel completely wasted, so I am pretty sure it's not a hangover. It stormed all night and that bitch Mother Nature kept waking me up.)

At least it's Friday.

Today's fun fact is a result of this post: The normal range for daily pooping is from three times a day to once every three days. Therefore, it would be fair to say that the average person poops about once a day.

As always, you're welcome.

I'll be back Monday in a better mood. Maybe.

Leave your own fun facts so I don't have to hunt you down.

Happy Weekending!

Is Today Over Yet?

2010-01-28T13:45:00.000-06:00

I am out of topics this week. We will discuss my feelings on the garter toss, but that has to wait. I can't overload on wedding topics or my head will explode. I have literally spent the last week obsessing over the address list for save the dates, so give me some time to decompress...

But as promised, more of your questions and my answers. Thrilling, I know.

Today's question comes from Kiera: "does your fiance read your blog? is that a problem with you?"

Yes, Kiera, he reads my blog. When I first started blogging, I told him I was blogging, but wouldn't give him the address. He threw a temper tantrum and I realized it wasn't worth fighting about so I told him. Now, he reads daily and reads comments and reads at least one blog that I follow.

For the most part, I don't care. He's slightly more anal than I am about the whole "no showing face" thing, but other than that, it's not bad. He also likes to edit stories that are about him (and correct my stories when he thinks I am wrong or not giving him enough credit).

He thinks blogging is weird, but he thinks most of the shit I do is weird, so he really doesn't care. He tells people about it all the time too. His family knows, the people in our marriage class know about it, random friends know about it (shout out to B!), and I am pretty sure the cashier at the grocery store knows about it...

As he has gotten more used to me blogging, he suggests topics now and then or pictures or whatever.

Unlike MODG, I'm fortunate because my in-laws only have dial-up internet (my in-laws and their son, S, are AOLs last paying dial-up customers...true story) so I am really in no danger of having to edit what I say. Plus, I talk like this in front of them most of the time anyway so it really wouldn't phase them.

Other questions, comments, concerns. Get your shit together because tomorrow is Fun Fact Friday and I need you people to bring the noise.

Bow-quet?

2010-01-27T12:40:00.002-06:00

How do we feel about this concept:

Is this amaze balls or cheese balls?

I tend to side on cheese balls. The thought of keeping old bows stresses me out (I don't like clutter and keeping up with unnecessary things). And also because I am pretty sure I couldn't keep a straight face while dealing with this.

At the same time, I am a sucker for traditions. Shitty as they may be. (Exception to this rule: garter toss. It's not happening. Not ever. But we will save that rant for another day.)

The Case Against Toast.

2010-01-26T10:09:00.003-06:00

S and I are registering for home goods, etc. I have done lots of research on what I want and know just what will make my kitchen perfection and drive me to start cooking. (that's my current excuse for not cooking, and I am sticking with it)

We will register for all of the normal things...blender, mixer, toaster, plates...because that's what you do when you register. You ask for appliances. And plates. And flatware.

I ask him yesterday what he prefers...a toaster with 2 slots or 4 slots (he said he wanted to be involved). He responds "Four. What if we both want toast at the same time?"

I HATE TOAST.

HATE. HATE. HATE.

Toast is the bane of my existence.

Toast is a worthless breakfast pastry.

If I want a bread product for breakfast. I will have a croissant or a bagel. I will not have toast.

When S had knee surgery, EVERY DAMN MORNING he wanted toast. I think he did this out of spite.

You put the bread in the toaster and you wait. AND THEN YOU WAIT MORE. AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT THE GODDAMNED TOASTER ISN'T EVEN PLUGGED IN AND THEN YOU PLUG IT IN AND WAIT SOME MORE.

Toast is stupid.

Then, you have to pull the toast out when it is still warm (assuming it is toasted enough but not too much...you are beyond screwed if the toast wasn't toasted enough...you will never be able to figure out the perfect settings to get it right) to put the butter on it. If you use a stick of butter, you have to leave the stick of butter out to soften but you still have big indents in your bread where you tried to make it spread but FAILED.

It doesn't even fill you up.

Toast tries too hard. It wishes it was a bagel, but will never be that awesome.

Toast will never be filling. Not ever.

When you get toast at restaurants, it is never done right. Never. Either under done or over done, but never warm enough to make the butter spread all over it.

Toast is good for one thing only and that is soaking up the yoke from a fried egg.

It is inevitable that I will get 24 comments telling me about how awesome toast is. Those are lies. Neither you nor S will convince me that toast is cool. NO ONE will convince me.

Toast is dead to me.

But in case you are wondering, we are registering for the four slot toaster.

An Open Letter.

2010-01-25T13:17:00.014-06:00

Dear bloggers/commenters/internet dwellers and your mom,

Apparently we (ALME and MODG combine forces...her words are in pink...it's what Suri would want) need to write you all a letter to let you know what's up, since so many of you continue to break the rules. (And please don't try any of that "rules are made to be broken" bullshit with us) and also because we both have pms and we want to kill everyone and then eat them with chocolate covered pretzels as a side dish...

Listen, blogging is taxing but we do it because we are narcissistic bitches who need constant reinforcement that our lives aren't just giant pieces of shit that consist of shoes, bags and cookies. With that being said, there are a few unwritten rules that we believe the blogger should abide by. I wish some nasty (in MODG language nasty = most badass) bitch (like sarah) told me this when I started blogging. Since I broke them all.

1) This has been said before, but we will say it again since apparently reading isn't your strength: if you are going to comment on a blog don't say "LOL HILARIOUS" or any other nonsense that says NOTHING. Honestly we get that you don't feel like reading the whole post, that's fine (not really). But we put our heart and soul into every word in front of your face. I once stared at the word fish for 3 minutes debating if it should maybe read shoelace. It was a great sentence obviously. So please IF you're going to comment, read the GD post. We know your tricks, like commenting on just the last line of the post or just the first paragraph. It hurts our delicate feelings. And I don't have any room in my budget for therapy.

2) Only talk trash if you are willing to put your name behind it. Otherwise, don't waste our time. We appreciate a good trash talker. It provides controversy in our lives. But man up, you pussy. Suddenly you're all anonymous on us? Please. We smell your fear. (FYI, so do bees and dogs)

3) Feel free to turn off your word verification. Every now and then, someone will leave you a comment about penis enlargements in Chinese. You can delete those. If you want comments, don't make me type "juggy smith" into a box. SARAH was the biggest culprit of this for a long f-ing time. All of my blogging commenting has to be saved for Sundays. Do you know how much time I spend entering your stupid word verification in? HOURS. When you're commenting on 200 blogs, you want to tell word verification to VERIFYTHIS (middle finger shaking). If you don't know how to do it, figure it out. (I WAS totally guilty of this. But not anymore. And I have the Chinese comments on my blog to prove it.)

4) We get it. You love The Jesus. But shouldn't that be between you guys, not you and the internet. Just putting that out there. When I go to a blog and I see proverbs or jesus hands or angel wings or bloody crosses I close the window and say nextplease.

5) Be honest. Or at least be honest that you are full of shit. Also, if you can see ghosts, be honest. Embrace your gift. Be yourself. If you don't say "shitballs" in real life, don't say "shitballs" in your blog because we're 45% psychic combined and a liar is a liar is a bad piece of sushi (i.e. makes you vomit and shit at the same time).

6) Don't copy other people. Be original. If you can't be original, then at least admit you can't think for yourself and give whoever you copied some credit. Copiers are foul. Foul like the whore secretary using the copier to make copies of her ass. Foul. You copier.

7) We realize that if we don't like something you write, we have the option not to read it. You have the option to do the same. Isn't America neat? Freedom of internet surfing and all that jazz? You don't have the option not to read mine. You have to read modg. It's a devil trick. And you should probably keep reading mine, mainly because it doesn't suck as bad as some of those other ones out there.

In closing this may sound way harsh circa Clueless 1998 but we only smack you because we love you. Take it or leave it, do what you will but just remember. When Britney was all Pink Wig Umbrella, people listened. I mean, yeah I don't know. This is the web and we're spiders. We'll eat you up. (I feel drunk when I read this)

Hugs, Hearts, Blogs, Sparkles & Charms (charms is my new thing),

ALME & MODG

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-01-22T08:20:00.003-06:00

It's Friday. You know what that means.

Last week, some of you brought it full force and some of you just fell a little flat and got a little e-mail reminder from me to step up your game and do like the post calls for AND LEAVE A FUN FACT.*

Fun facts can be about whatever you want BUT THEY MUST BE TRUE. That is what makes them a fact. Don't believe me? Look it up.

Damnit. This blog is educational.

Today's fun fact is...

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

I posted this to save you the time Google-ing it. Because I know you would.

Now leave your facts.

Happy weekending!

*But damnit if you guys didn't step it up yesterday with the recipes. Way to be there!

Your Turn. Man Up.

2010-01-21T08:48:00.006-06:00

Remember that time I told you guys to ask me questions or whatever for a new weekly segment and nobody did? Yeah. That was awkward.

Today, I am coming to the internets for advice.*

I am getting married in some months. My ultimate goal is to retire and be a wife. As a job.

I am excellent at cleaning. I have a love of all things kitchen related. But I can't cook. And I don't want to be a wife FAIL.

I mean, yes, I can make shit from boxes. You have never had mashed potatoes from flakes, until you have had mine. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese? No one does it better. NO ONE. Peatunorni is my secret family recipe that I know BY HEART. But other than that, I've got nothing.

My friend, the infamous Jen, tells me, "Sarah, if you can read, you can cook."

Here's where you all come in (let's not drop the ball this time)...

What are some easy ass recipes for me to try? I'm talking EASY.**

Thanks, bitches.

*Once I started writing this post, I found this blog post. Decorno has more skillz than me. And I'm still craving a Twinkie.

**Also, maybe give me some weird ones that are delicious so I have an excuse to register for random kitchen appliances.

Found.

2010-01-20T08:04:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I ran into Target at lunch to return some picture frames (don't ask). While I was there, I noticed they still had some of the Rodarte pieces (like the leopard dress) and decided to try them on (for me, the whole line in person was an epic fail...). I found this beauty in the dressing room.

I know it's hard to read what has been hand-written in the red: "Keep Yo Panties On!! Gurl"

Amen, sister.

Only in Texas.

2010-01-19T08:06:00.002-06:00

It has been a while since I have done an "Only in Texas" post. And by "a while" I mean a little over a month, so really not that long at all.

In the meantime, my advice column/random question answering is going to become a regular feature around here. Send me questions, queries, topics you need advice on or whatever. And every (still undecided)day I will answer them (I'm thinking Monday). Comprende?

Back to Texas...

Texans LOVE their state. LOVE. If you are in a foreign country and you ask a Texan where they are from, they will say Texas, not America (or the United States or whatever you call this country). They get all defensive if you try to imply that maybe some other states are pretty cool too. They will tell you "Texas was it's own country" and all sorts of other random things to try and convince you.

A few weeks ago (maybe a month?) I got a Facebook e-mail from someone telling me about this really cool "fan page" and that I should join.

I bet Texas can get 1 million fans before any other state.

Apparently other states are participating in this too, but none seem to be as into it as Texans.

As of this posting, they are up to 676,614 fans.

The funniest part is that when you go to the fan page, they shit talk to increase membership.

Sage nuggets like this one:

I'm going to be honest, i can hardly say the U.S. Pledge. But i know the Texas Pledge by heart, and how many states can say they know their state pledge. Not many..

Or this one:

So this girl, she's form New York. Her names Lindsay. She thinks New York is better than Texas. She also thinks we both have big egos but Texas doesn't have the balls to admit it. And as hard as I try, i can't find any reason anyone would want to ride in a strangers car, eat old hotdogs being sold on the... street, and mostly everyone has never heard of the word "manners".*

Only in Texas would this be so competitive.

*Please tell me you noticed the typos. For the record, while I love to talk trash, I have a pretty strict shit talking policy that includes me trying my best to use proper spelling/grammar when making fun of other people and/or declaring my superiority.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-01-15T08:57:00.002-06:00

Hey people. It's Friday.

You know what that means...FUN FACT FRIDAY

Thrilling, isn't it?

Here are the rules (after last week I feel like you all need a refresher)...if you leave a comment it need to either be a fun fact, a compliment to me, or both. Your fact can be about yourself, but it must be true.

Now let's get this party started.

Has anyone ever been to North Dakota? Probably not. I mean, why would you? The night life?

Because I hate for any state to go unappreciated, today's fun fact comes to you on behalf of North Dakota:

Milk is the official state beverage of North Dakota.

Happy Weekending!

True Story.

2010-01-14T07:43:00.002-06:00

In case there was any doubt that I am mature beyond my years, the following conversation happened a couple of weeks ago at S's house:

Me: So MODG and I are trying to start this new club. It's really cool.
S: Who's in it?
Me: Well, so far, just us. But membership is pretty exclusive.
S: So no one wants to hang out with you guys on the internet anymore?
Me: No. Lots of people want to hang out, but we can't let everyone in.
S: What kind of club?
Me: The Pen 15 club.
S: Pen 15? What does that even mean?
Me: It's just a name that we thought was really neat, but if you want to join, I have to write it on your hand.
S: No.
Me: Fine. Then I guess you don't want to be supportive of me and my dreams.
S: Why Pen 15? Where does it come from? This sounds like a trap of some kind...
Me: Hold on. Let me just go get a pen...
S: Pen won't come off.
Me: Yes it will. I promise.
S: Pen 15? I still don't get it....
*I left the room to go get a pen*
S: ....Goddamnit. Pen 15 spells penis. You can't write that on my hand.
Me: No. It doesn't. Only a pervert would think that.
S: Yes. It spells penis.
*cue temper tantrum by me*
S: Fine. But it better come off before work tomorrow.

Greatest Show on Earth.

2010-01-12T14:13:00.014-06:00

So yesterday's post was a nightmare. Sorry about that. Pinky promises to all of you that from now on Picture of the Day will be exciting and witty and a hell of a lot more exciting than whatever fiasco occurred yesterday. You're welcome.

People have been asking and I promised an update, so here it is.

Happy now?

We took our engagement pictures back in November. I love pictures. Love them. Especially when they involve me and a professional photographer. S...not so much. He doesn't get all amped up when the camera is around. So we practiced by watching some ANTM (and by we, I mean me) and got our smeyezing down.

And then we took some pictures. I will show you the one that was on Facebook (minus our heads...don't worry...I got permission).

{source}

See? We took pictures. 3 hours worth. S had more fun than I thought he would and overall I was really happy with them. The ones I didn't like were because one of us was making some sort of stupid face. Oh well. Back to smeyezing practice, I guess.

Here are the wedding day facts:

Engagement date: May 18, 2009 (I am including this because people always ask)
Wedding Date: October 23, 2010
Number of bridesmaids: 3
Number of groomsman: 3
Time of wedding: 3:00 PM
Location: Catholic Church in Houston
Dress color: Navy

I bought THE DRESS in the first month of being engaged on accident. I didn't mean to find it right away, but I did, so I bought it. For me, I knew it was The One.

Once we decided that the wedding would be in Houston, there was only one church that I was willing to get married in. So I call them in June 2009 and I'm all, "Hey, I would like to get married pretty soon..." and they are all, "Not a problem. We are booked until July 2010..." So then I was mad because WHO THE HELL IS BOOKING ALL OF THESE WEDDINGS?!?! But then S talked me off the ledge and he said we should look at the Fall (this is Houston, so it's not really Fall). He started looking at weather patterns and all sorts of nonsense and we decided Ocotber 23rd worked for us. Come to find out that is also his dad's 65th birthday. I was pretty set on where I wanted my reception from the beginning and so we had to make sure the church date vibed with the reception venue date and it did (THANK GOD).

I chose the places I did for a couple of reasons. The church has a center aisle. This wedding is only happening once so it needs to count. The church my parents went to when I was growing up requires you to go up one aisle and down the other. No me gusta. Not happening. Both the church and the reception venue are pretty on their own. Yes, I am going to decorate them...I'm not that lazy...they just don't require draping and all of the nonsense so many other spaces do. The reception venue also covers the catering so that makes that easy.

My bridesmaids all got together to bond and pick out dresses in December. Half of them were sick and I got sick right after this (some thanks I get for letting them CHOOSE WHATEVER DRESS THEY WANTED). My policy on bridesmaid dresses were this: they had to match and look cohesive together and be navy. Other than that, I didn't care. Going into this whole process my sister/maid of honor (I hate the term MOH) was insisting on strapless. INSISTING. Then she tried some on. Needless to say, they all chose the same dress. They are navy and look nothing like this:

{source}

They are navy with a wide v-neck and a-line. They are supposed to hit right below the knee, but all of the bridesmaids are shorties (I mean they are all short in their stature, not the Urban Dictioniary definition) so we are hemming above the knee. The Mass is at 3 in the afternoon...I figure we can get away with this. No decision yet on shoes. Not sure if I want them to match or be the same color or what.

S is a pretty formal guy. He insisted on a suit for the "dressy" engagement pictures. He wears a suit everyday to work though so that's his comfort zone. I live by the motto "it's better to be overdressed" so I'm glad he's not sneaker-guy or LA-guy who wears a blazer with sneakers, a t-shirt and jeans (HATE). He wants the guys side to jazz things up with tuxes. Done and done (but not picked out yet). There is some debate about the style of tie and/or the color.

The dinner will be seated and we haven't picked food yet.

I ordered the save the dates yesterday. I still can't decide on invitations.

Obviously, since we have taken engagement pictures, we have chosen a photographer. I OBSESSED over that decision for what seemed like FOREVER, but in reality, it was one of the first decisions I made. Because I am obsessed with pictures, I am definitely doing bridals. I know, non-Southern readers are all "what the..." but that's how we roll in Texas. We take pictures in our dress before the wedding and display it at the reception. Narcissistic? Absolutely. Why do you think I love it?

Rehearsal dinner is at a brewery. We have a large number of guests traveling in from out of state and we want them to be invited so it is casual. Since people in the Midwest don't know shit about Mexican food, that's what we are going with.

We haven't registered yet. S says he wants to be involved in this process. Why? Who knows. Most likely, we will stick to three stores. And even more likely, I will begin stalking my registry as soon as it has been done.

We haven't decided on a first dance song. We have decided on the band. They pretty much rock my face off (despite this picture).

I haven't picked a cake yet or given any thought to flowers.

Honeymoon has yet to be decided, but more than likely will be somewhere tropical.

So there you have it. What I have so far.

Picture of the Day: Hunter Wellies & Cowboy Boots

2010-01-12T08:00:00.007-06:00

This is a new series here at ALME where we will discuss (read: judge) pictures taken by MODG. These sorts of posts allow her to take pictures of random shit with her new camera and it gives me topics to blog about. A win-win, really.

Let's begin.

This photo is titled "Hunter Wellies and Cowboy Boots" by the artist. While there is an interesting juxtaposition between the muddiness/puddles invoked by the wellies and the roughness/country-ness inspired by the cowboy boots, I can't help but wonder why the hell someone from Philly has cowboy boots. She insists that they are okay because they are Frye and they have never been worn, but it leaves me, the viewer/critic, feeling confused and lost. Does this make me an inferior Texan for not having cowboy boots?

Don't get my wrong. I love boots. I own over 10 pairs of boots (please don't tell S), so I get it...boots are cool. I don't own any wellies and this breaks my heart. We went to a football game earlier this fall and it was supposed to rain and all I wanted to wear with my dress were some GD Hunter wellies, but Nordstrom didn't have them in stock in my size and I didn't think of it soon enough to order tham and have them delivered in time, so I was depressed. But then it didn't rain. But I digress...

I love boots over jeans (in a cute way, not JLo way). I love jeans over boots. I think boots with skirts can be cute but I have never found some that work for me without looking tranny/hooker. S insists this is the hottest thing girls can ever wear. He even recognizes a woman who lives in his building based on the fact that she once wore a skirt with boots. Weird, I know.

Here in Tejas, the ladies love their boots with dresses/skirts. And by boots, I mean cowboy boots. In college towns, it is all the rage to pair them with a sundress for gameday. This can be acceptable in real (read: not college) life so long as your dress doesn't look like (1) it should be a shirt instead and (2) you don't look like you should be milking a cow. I also know this old woman who wears them a lot with peasant skirts (don't do that).

The point is boots in general are awesome. And I will judge you however you decide to wear them.

Discuss (and leave suggestions for pictures).

Also, don't forget to weigh in on the MODG coming to the wedding debate.

Preguntas, Por Favor

2010-01-11T09:15:00.004-06:00

So I am thinking about making this whole "q&a" thing a regular feature here, so keep submitting your questions. If they suck, I will judge you. No pressure.

Now on to the remainder of the questions (wedding plans are coming, *pinky swears*)...

Millitini asked: "Here's a question for you...I've stolen it from the book of stupid questions and would like your take: 'The first time corn popped, do you think it scared the hell out of the Indians?' Discuss."

For starters, I am offended by your language, Millitini. Our friends with the feather are called Native Americans, no Indians. I expect you to be more culturally aware from here on out. Now on to the question...It probably scared the feathers out of their headresses if I had to bet. Can you imagine living your life in your wigwam or teepee or whatever and out of nowhere your damned crops start popping? I would piss my pants. No lie.

brit @ landlocked bride asked: "When are you coming back to STL so we can have a blogger wineries trip?"

This is an excellent question. We were supposed to go back this past weekend for a birthday party for our niece, but S wasn't really in the mood for travel. It looks like we won't be back until July (I think we are going to try something sooner, *fingers crossed*) so I will keep you all updated. The good news is, I am the child's only aunt so even though I missed the party, I'm still her favorite.

Casey asked: "would you rather know it all or have it all? why???"

This question is simple. Since I already know it all, I would have to choose to have it all. Obviously.

Carrie asked: "When are you and MODG finally going to meet in real life?"

Hopefully soon. S says she can come to the wedding if we meet in real life. So obviously, we are meeting in real life. We are taking donations via PayPal from those of you who would like us to meet up and then blog about it.

Monique asked: Question: "Would you like to have my near 8 year old son? He is home sick AGAIN and driving me nuts. Thanks in advance."

No thank you. And to be honest, I'm not even flattered because you seem a little desperate to get rid of him. While I love gifts, I don't like the kind I would be forced to support for the next 10 years. Thanks again. FOR NOTHING.

Midtown Girl asked: "OMG - are you on twitter? Please say yes!"

Is the Pope Catholic? Of course I'm on Twitter (plus there's a link on my sidebar). I'm always interested in cutting edge social networking (despite what I said here).

In another update to this post: This article was on MSN today (you guys can thank S for this one), but it just goes to show you how cutting edge things are over here at ALME. I mean for me and my readers, this topic is so last week.

Fun Fact Friday.

2010-01-08T09:45:00.002-06:00

I know we have had a couple of weeks off, but fun fact Friday is back!

First off, and in honor of it being Friday and 5 o'clock somewhere and all of that, I wanted to answer this question for Mrs. Sitcom: "What is your prediction for the 'Drink of the Future"? ie What should I imbibe copiously over the coming year? :)"

(sidenote: don't worry people. Your requests will be answered. Including a wedding update. Maybe this will become a weekly thing.)

My suggestion is to not go trendy. Not ever. When you do this, you inevitably end up looking like an asshole. When I see four girls sitting in a corner drinking cosmos, I know they believe they are all Carrie Bradshaw or Samantha or Charlotte (but definitely not Miranda...no one wants to be Miranda), but I digress...

You can't go wrong with wine. I prefer reds to whites, but that's me and I would probably prefer that you stick with whites so you stay the hell away from my bottle, but it's whatever. Champagne is also an excellent choice and classes up any occasion (true story: I had some last night with my nachos at the movie theater). One exception to this rule: sporting events. Don't be the weirdo at the baseball game with your plastic cup of wine. Drink a beer.

If we are talking cocktails, I say stick with the classics. My preference is the side car. A sidecar is essentially a brandy margarita. It's delicious and strong. But be careful, too many and you can wake up with beans in your hair (don't even ask).

No matter what you decide to go with, I want to give you all this advice for drinking in 2010:
(1) Never eat the fruit in the trashcan punch. Nothing good can come of it. I know someone who once lost their toga that way (for the record, not me).
(2) Never touch your mouth to the shot block. You have no idea what sort of diseases you could contract, especially if Ed Hardy types are there.

This week's fun fact:

Astronauts cannot burp in space.

Happy weekending!

Back to Solving the World's Problems, 1 Reader Question at a Time

2010-01-07T09:03:00.007-06:00

"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."

(By the way, does anyone know where that quote is from? (hint: When Harry Met Sally) I felt like it was an appropriate title because women in general are basically nuts and I have heard people say crap like that in real life or "IRL" as the cool kids say)

Today's topic: Relationships

At least I'm skinny asked: "Where can I find myself a suitable boyfriend so the boys I work with will stop making fun of me? I have very low standards - beating heart, not homeless, not a 500lb virgin, etc." (I cut out the part at the end where she makes some lame excuses for not being on time with her question, but I am generous so I will answer anyway...)

Well, you can meet boys at plenty of places and seeing as how you have obviously low standards, may I suggest the following: prison, strip clubs, rehab and the unemployment office. MODG met B drunk at a tailgate when she walked up to him and announced "hi. I'm going to marry you" (but be careful, Amanda was lucky...she ended up married to Cole Hamels...being too drunk could backfire and you could end up engaged to someone with the uglies). I met S at a bookstore, so you could always go trolling for men at a Barnes & Noble and see what happens (for the record, I wasn't trolling).

Kel and Jame (not sure which one exactly) from Misadventures From the Batcave asked: "Dear Sarah, I like this boy and he doesn't like me back. I can't believe it either, but said was confirmed today when he entered into a facebook relationship with my competitor. I do not find her a worthy opponent. Nor is he good for me. What's my next move?"

Here is my question to you (and yes, I know it is rude to answer a question with a question): why do you like a boy who is no good for you? He clearly lacks sense if he didn't choose you. This can be a bit tricky, but with my expert guidance you will get through this situation with ease. Since we are in the technology age, you must start by putting a super hot photo of you as your Facebook profile pic. The hard part here is that you have to dance the line between "you should like me because I am slutty/easy" (no good) and "you should like me because I am way hotter than those other bitches you look at" (tres good). Then you must go out with people who like you because you are fabulous and forget about the bad news loser who likes some stupid skank.

jessalyn asked as a follow-up to yesterday's question: "also- i was hoping i could add to my question yesterday- its kind of related: how do i get my dumb man friend to buy me a big sparkly ring. (i think the skinnies would help, that's the relation). thanks!"

Dumb man friends can be tough nuts to crack. All I did was act the hotness with a strong case of the skinnies and a touch of witty and S flocked to me, but I want to do all I can to help my readers so for this I will consult S (warning: he is not nearly as funny as I am)...
From S: "Unfortunately, you can't. Putting pressure on him will just drive him away. Patience is the only answer. Sorry."

Updated to add (by me, not S...his friends aren't nearly this resourceful): MODG and Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman reminded me of a story (take it for what it is worth): A girl I know wanted a membership to this health club here in town and membership isn't cheap (think a little more than few thousand dollars for initiation fee and a few hundred a month). Her husband refused to pay the money but she begged and begged. Finally he told her he would hear her out if she created a business plan and set up a meeting with him for one night when he got home from work. She did a ton of research and presented her business plan...in her lingerie. She got her club membership.

Sort of related to relationships, but not really, Kiera asked: "is a purple master bedroom demasculinizing?"

Not if you are a homosexual man.

Pretty is as Pretty Does.

2010-01-06T08:04:00.006-06:00

Not surprisingly, a ton of you asked me questions regarding health/beauty/fitness (and by a ton, I mean 3 people). Tomorrow we will cover relationships, so don't go around today making any rash decisions. This whole thing could take longer than I thought it would though, so this may be turning into a weekly thing. We'll see what happens.

Let's start with the easiest question to answer...
From jessalyn: "i would appreciate secrets to staying skinny please. i need to be as skinny as possible with little to no effort thanks :)"

Well, Jessalyn, this answer is simple: don't eat. When you eat, you get fat. If you don't eat, your stomach shrinks up and after a while you don't even feel hungry anymore. Problem solved. Wasn't it Kate Moss that said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? Adopt that as your mantra. If you must eat, stick with celery. And I mean I guess if you were bored you could go to the gym or go for a jog or something, but exercise is for wimps.

The next question comes from Kristin over at BonBonRose: "Any advice on how to tangle a horrible jungle of a mane into something presentable. I'm thinking gorgeous 40s style waves. You said ask anything."

Kristin you came to the right place. I have stick straight hair that won't hold a curl to save my life, the same haircut for YEARS and when through more than one unfortunate phase where the bangs started in the middle of my head, so clearly you knew what you were doing when you came to me for hair advice. I think you should keep the "40s style waves" to people like Blake Lively who just wake up with amazing hair and instead should consider something like this:

Kristin, I think you would find this both flattering to your frame and your face and something tells me the husband will dig it! The secret to good hair is not to fight it. But if you insist, here's a video (not of me sadly).

Today's last set of questions comes from everyone's favorite hippie/mother-of-the-year, Z-Dub:
"How do you feel about UGG boots? How do you feel about UGG boots + leggings? Should I adopt a baby from Asia?"

Let's get something straight from the beginning, I own two pairs of UGG boots. I wouldn't say that I like them though. The trick with UGGs is knowing when and where they are appropriate. Walking the dog on a chilly morning before you actually put on real clothes? Absolutely okay. One a bazillion hour road trip with your boyfriend at the time to go to his hometown for the holidays with 800 stops at truck stops? Also totally okay (just don't look like you belong at a truck stop). Also, I just bought my first pair of leggings two weeks ago and have worn them in public all of one time (they make me kind of nervous). UGGs and tights teaming up together is an ABSOLUTELY NOT. DO NOT PASS GO. What the hell are you trying to prove in with that combo? It's a terrible idea. I don't care what anyone says about "OMG. It's SOOO cute!" The people who tell you that are LIARS. They want you to look foolish in public and you should probably not hang out with them anymore.

The Asian baby question deserves its own post because Asian babies are an important topic (and I think we all know that one of my priorities is treating things with the respect they deserve). At first I thought, no way. An Asian baby in the Z-Dub house would throw off the entire power balance of power. But then I thought about it some more and thought about how perfect it would be for this reason: Z-Dub and her daughter are white. Her husband is Asian-y and her son is part Asian. The adopted Asian baby would complete the circle of life. So my answer is YES. Absolutely. Adopt an Asian baby and name her Sarah. You're welcome.

Now I Know What My Mother Feels Like...

2010-01-05T07:38:00.006-06:00

Let's get some things clear, people. When I give you guys an assignment, I expect you all to follow through. I know it is much tougher to follow specific instructions than it is to write "Just found your blog! I'll be back" but I also know that you guys can handle it. If I didn't think you could, I wouldn't give you that much responsibility. Yesterday's turnout was one of the lowest in ALME's recent history, so needless to say I am more than a little disappointed. Maybe you felt like my knowledge was too much for you to handle? Maybe you felt insecure in your desire for help? Don't worry, guys...the only one judging around here is me, and I will be so flattered you came to me for advice, I won't even consider for a second how obviously stupid your question is.

Secondly, last night I watched The Bachelor and immediately felt desperate. And then I was sucked in to Conveyor Belt of Love. Honestly, I can't even talk about the second one.

Now on to your questions...

Not all of them will be answered today, but they all will be answered (hopefully by the end of the week). I am going to start with the most pressing questions...people who need advice on getting their year started right (and I probably play favorites).

So without further ado...

Our first question comes from our friend MODG: "Dear Alme, What should my goals be for 2010. Please list 3. Hearts, MODG"

Dear MODG,
I have given careful consideration to what your goals should be for the coming year and I know you will take my advice to heart and do exactly as I say.
If you feel it is necessary/appropriate, please feel free to update us all on a regular basis as to your progress.
1. Work on your high kicks. We all know that despite your protestations, your life-long goal is to be a professional cheerleader. This is not something to be ashamed of, but it does lead me to your next goal in 2010...
2. Maintain the skinnies for the entire year. You know my standards. I would hate to stop being internet friends on account of you having the fats. We can have weekly weigh-ins and body fat calculations if you think it would help.
3. Find a doula to massage your taint (this is the only word I could come up with for the space between your butthole and your girl parts) to make it pliable for labor. If you are for serious about maybe having a baby at some point, it can't hurt to start this now. According to sources, this is a crucial step in the childbirthing process.
May 2010 find you with sustained good shopping karma.
Hugs,

Coming to You From the Future...

2010-01-04T11:10:00.002-06:00

...except we are all here, so really it's nothing spectacular...

Remember back in the 80's (or maybe it was the 90's?) when we were all completely convinced that by "the new millennium" we would all be in flying cars? Or at the very least cars that we plugged in when we stopped at the grocery store? Oh man. I am so glad that never happened. I can never remember to charge my cell phone let alone my vehicle and I don't think my boss would buy the whole "Geez. Remembering to plug in the car at night is SO tricky" more than once or twice. After all, it would be THE FUTURE. And none of us exploded or were taken over by the Chinese or robots or whatever was supposed to happen in Y2K.

Anyhow, we have all obviously made it this far. So welcome to 2010.

Here's the deal...I was out sick a couple of days last week and now am having to play catch-up at work. I hate catch-up. So I need you people to do me a favor...leave me questions. Is there anything you are dying to know? You probably want my advice on SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Ask me some stuff and let's see what sort of answers I can come up with.

Welcome to your future, bitches.

Found.

2009-12-30T07:33:00.003-06:00

I left something out of my Christmas "recap" yesterday, but I thought it deserved it's own post.

Background: when you exit the freeway to go to my parent's house, you have to drive through an area that has more than its fair share of sketchiness.

We exited the freeway Christmas morning and what caught my eye?

Can you see that lovely gentleman in the corner of that scary apartment complex's doorway? He's urinating. Right next to a major intersection.

A Christmas Recap.

2009-12-29T09:32:00.005-06:00

Except not really.

I don't know what to do with myself in this weirdness. Nothing is happening at work between Christmas and New Years, but I have to be there. I am not speaking to the mall right now so I have been doing lots of internet shopping. I have actually started getting serious about this wedding planning BS.

I received lots of fantastic gifts for Christmas.

BUT I HAVE NO REAL HOUSEWIVES (on television).

And this breaks my heart.

In family news, my grandma told my half-sister that she shouldn't come to my wedding because she isn't a bridesmaid. My sister is 4o years old. And then my mother boxed with my nieces and nephew (ages 4 to 10).

I Don't Know How to Put This, But I'm Kind of a Big Deal.

2009-12-23T10:04:00.004-06:00

People know me.

I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

At least on the internet.

MODG and I were interviewed by the ladies over at BonBon Rose. You should probably check it out. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

I'm not saying this was on purpose, but they might have waited until the day before Christmas to post our interview for a reason and I have a sneaking suspicion that we were the only ones who were given the "no cussing warning" before we answered the questions.

Bah Humbug.

2009-12-23T09:47:00.004-06:00

I hope you all have a meow-y Christmas!*

P.S. If the world ends tomorrow night, it's because I went to church. Apologies in advance.

*Reason 1,560 that cats are dumb: they make shitty Santas. But damnit if they don't make for funny puns.

That One Time I Yelled at An Old Man During the Holidays.

2009-12-22T09:33:00.005-06:00

So remember how S is temporarily crippled?

Well, yesterday was his first day back at work. Thrilling, I know. I dropped him off at work with relatively little incident. After work, I went by his office to pick him up. I did everything I was supposed to...I called early to give him time to come down, I circled the block so I didn't cause congestion in front of the building, etc.

I circle around and see him exiting the elevator. I pull up to the curb, get out of the car and run around to open the door so he can get in. (Sidenote: there are some ghetto-ass people that loiter permanently outside of his building and a bunch of the commuter buses stop outside his building)

(Me frantically running to the rear passenger side to open the door for S, exiting the elevator ON CRUTCHES)
Random Old Man Wearing a Lanyard/ID Badge Around His Neck: You can't park there.
Me: I'm just picking someone up who is handicapped.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: Don't matter.
Me: He's right there.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: This is a loading zone.
Me: I'm loading A HANDICAP PERSON.
ROMWaLIDBAHN: They'll right* you a ticket.
(at this point ROMWaLIDBAHN is in my face/personal space)
Me: THEN CALL THE F*!%ING COPS!

So...yeah...Merry f*!%ing Christmas.

*This man was wearing a lanyard and being mean to someone helping a cripple. Even though it was verbal, I know he was thinking "right" instead of "write" because obviously he is not as intelligent as I am. Obviously. I hate MODG.

An Open Letter.

2009-12-21T08:50:00.002-06:00

Dear Mariah Carey,

Can we please be honest with each other? I am not all you want for Christmas.

Knowing what I know about you, you are probably interested in another lodge in Aspen, some pictures of yourself, and something sparkly.

In honor of the holidays, let's start telling the truth. Santa hates liars.

Hugs,

Fun Fact Friday.

2009-12-18T08:07:00.002-06:00

Wine club is not the same as wine night. Wine club is a group of girls who get together and pretend to know stuff about wine. Each month we choose a different type of wine and everyone brings a bottle and we "taste" them (and by taste I mean get drunk). Wine night is where I get together with the infamous Jen and we drink and sometimes eat pizza. This is what I call "hobbies."

Anyhow, last night was a success.

But today is the day you all have been waiting for...FUN FACT FRIDAY!

Let's get some things straight here...Fun Fact Friday is NOT to be confused with Confession Friday. Fun Fact Friday is the day you leave me interesting tidbits so we can all live our lives just a little bit smarter. Confession Friday is just what the name implies....you confess something on Friday (creative, no?).

Today's Fun Fact:

Ohio is the only state without a traditional state flag. They have a pennant instead. Ohio is weird.

Your turn.

FYI.

2009-12-17T15:27:00.003-06:00

I am boycotting blogging for today.

Tomorrow I will be back with Fun Fact Friday. You people better bring your A-game.

Pray to the blogging gods that I am not too hung over tomorrow after wine club.

In the meantime, go tell MODG nice things. She has had a rough (read: bitchy) week.

True Story.

2009-12-15T08:06:00.002-06:00

Backstory: The dog is old and in his old age, he has gotten particularly ornery. Not mean at all, but very set in his ways and a little particular about things. He doesn't like to be interrupted when he's sleeping. He also has a habit of making sure everyone else in the house is awake if he has woken up. Lucky for everyone involved, he likes to wake up around 6:30 (even on Saturdays) and loves to breathe hot old dog breath in your face until you get up, so as a result I try and wake him up whenever I see him napping during the day/early evening.

MONDAY night...

Me (yelling...hence the ALL CAPS): JUNIOR! WAKE UP! IT'S TIME TO PARTY!
{ dog just lays there, ignoring me }
S: He's not listening. Mr. Junior knows it's Tuesday and it's time to be resting, not partying.
Me: { dramatic pause } Um, it's Monday.
S: { blank stare }

Maybe it is the pain medication?

My abs are so ripped up, I call it "The Situation"

2009-12-14T15:20:00.003-06:00

Okay, so let's get down to business.

S had knee surgery on Friday (I know I mentioned it, but I feel like he would want me to mention it again for sympathy's sake...feel free to send him healing thoughts in the comments...he will LOVE it).

The bandages came off today during my lunch break (exciting stuff, I know) so I think we are on our way to walking again...can I get a hallelujah? HALLELUJAH!

The amazing part about all of this surgery nonsense is that I have had plenty of time to watch both episodes of Jersey Shore approximately 36 times each, allowing me to catch the subtle nuances of each of the characters.

(I also watch some Top Chef, but once again the wrong person won, so again that show is DEAD TO ME.)

Lucky for those of you who missed it, MTV replays things 165 times until you are certain your head will explode, so I have no doubt you will be able to see both episodes.

"I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle."

If you ain't Guido, you ain't shit. Remember that, people.

Oops.

2009-12-14T07:38:00.002-06:00

Sorry to abandon you guys on Friday...

S decided to go have knee surgery so he could do something ridiculous like walk more comfortably (I know, he's totally selfish!).

I will be back later with a real live post. Keep your pants on.

Only in Texas.

2009-12-10T08:51:00.005-06:00

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Yesterday ended up being a great day, even if this year feels a lot older than last year.

As I had mentioned before, I got my birthday present over Thanksgiving (for those of you that had been asking it was a purse that I had been wanting...he surprised me when shopping...excellent move by S), and then yesterday S sent flowers at work, had some champagne when I got to his house (I'm shocked at the lack of hangover this morning) and we went to dinner here (I know it looks like a pretty random place, but it was authentically French and DELICIOUS).

Speaking of Paris...

(great segue, no?)

Only in Texas.

Welcome to Paris, Texas.

Per Wikipedia: "The city does not celebrate Bastille Day every July 14, though at one time local downtown merchants hosted Bastille Day sales. Local residents like the humorous slogan "Second Largest Paris in the World." (gosh, aren't Texans HILARIOUS?!?!) Following a tradition of American cities named Paris, a 65-foot replica of the Eiffel Tower was constructed in 1993. In 1998, presumably as a response to the 1993 construction of a 70-foot tower in Paris, Tennessee, the city placed a giant red cowboy hat atop the tower. The current tower is at least the second Eiffel Tower replica built in Paris; the first was constructed of wood and later destroyed by a tornado."

I really have nothing else to say about this. I will let the picture/Wikipedia speak for themselves.

I have not so surprising news...

2009-12-08T14:14:00.003-06:00

My internet life partner, MODG, is better than all of you combined.

Want to know why? Go here and realize why you are TARDY FOR THE PARTY.

Found.

2009-12-08T07:40:00.003-06:00

Yesterday after work I had to make my weekly Target run for Lean Cuisines/steam-in-bag vegetables (you don't have to tell me what an exciting life I lead) and I stumbled across this...

Briefs with cartoon characters...UNDEROOS...in the GROWN MEN'S SECTION.

You think you know...

2009-12-04T11:32:00.007-06:00

...but you have no idea...

Who are you?
My name is Sarah (with an h...my parents were not lazy and neglectful in the naming process). I'm not trying to brag, but some have described me as "amaze balls," which makes me a pretty big deal. I live in Texas (sorta, but not really) by choice, but (not-so) secretly want four seasons.

What does your blog name mean...i mean really?
"a life more exciting..." is the partial title of my (still unwritten, but inevitably going to be best-selling) memoir.

What are your favorite things and your hate things?
Favorite things: S, champagne, Bravo TV, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, 48 Hours/Dateline/20/20/Snapped, macaroni & cheese, reality television of most sorts (except Survivor and Big Brother and anything on VH1), pictures of myself, celebrity gossip, books, fountain drinks, manicures

Hate things: germs, traffic, gum smackers, the show Law & Order, ugly people, cockroaches, humidity, halter tops, strangers on air planes who try and talk to you for the ENTIRE FLIGHT, vampires

How did you get to be so awesome?
It took years of preparation to become as awesome as I am now, but I truly believe I was born with this gift. Unfortunately, at this time there is no room in my schedule to instruct my readers on how to be like me. However, I have gone to great lengths to find a similar program that may meet all of your needs. It can be found HERE.

Who is S?
S is my better half/sidekick. He is very nice, but also doesn't trust me with the power of the internet so he doesn't want me to use his name. But to be honest, I don't know if we can really trust him to make decisions regarding the internet because he has dial-up and lacks a DVR (clearly can't be trusted).

Any special code of conduct for the blog?
Of course, with great power comes great responsibility, so please follow these rules:
- Here at ALME, compliments are gladly accepted. In fact, they are preferred. But since this is my blog and not yours (or anyone else's for that matter), please make sure to compliment me before you compliment anyone(thing) else.
- Comment often and comment early, but for the love of Ray J PLEASE have your comment pertain to something. No comments for the sake of commenting. When in doubt, please see the above listed rule.

Are you willing to get ordained online to become a wedding minister?
Absolutely. If you are interested in having me perform your wedding ceremony, please click the contact link above.

Fun Fact Friday: An Introduction.

2009-12-04T08:54:00.003-06:00

In honor of my new layout (thanks, Ellie!), I am introducing a new segment every Friday called Fun Fact Friday!

(Can you feel the excitement? I can!)

Fun Fact Friday can include facts about anything. The topic that is my most favorite and the nearest and dearest in my heart is of course ME, so there will be lots of facts on that subject. But the floor is open to any other topics as well.

Feel free to chime in if you want, but what you say has to be a fun fact...not how cute/funny/gross/neat you think it is.

Got it? Good.

Fun Fact Friday: Your foot is the same length as the distance between your wrist and elbow.

Please wait until you get home to test this...or at least close the door to your office. I will not be held liable for your boss catching you in any compromising positions.

Happy Weekending!

I'm Tardy for the Party.

2009-12-03T09:03:00.009-06:00

Hey, it happens.

The good news is: I made it back from the Midwest in one piece.

The bad news is: my luggage did not and I am really tired and cranky and can't focus on getting anything done.

YEAH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

So, since everyone else has already talked about their Thanksgiving, I figure it's my turn to one up all of you.

Let's start with a full recap, shall we? We shall.

Tuesday night: Had trouble focusing on packing. May have had a melt down or 3. Struggled with packing while watching the Biggest Loser because I couldn't focus on either one. Get picked up by S and realize I forgot contacts. Have to go back to my house at nearly 11PM to get contacts while S downs NyQuil.

Wednesday: Wake up ass-early for the airport. Took 8 years to check our luggage. No security line. Get to St. Louis (Southworst tore my luggage) and rent a car (we are a pretty big deal, so we got upgraded to a Dodge Nitro...don't be jealous*). Checked into our Thanksgiving hotel that we always stay at. Got warm cookies (they saw our Nitro and realized we were VIPs**). Picked up some booze. Acted as a shuttle to take S's cousins to his brother's house. Drank booze.

It looks like an armored car, no?

(Sidenote: OMG. Don't you feel like you are there with us?)

Thursday: Wake up. Go to the gym in the hotel for 15 minutes. Get annoyed with some girl who wants to be all chatty on the treadmill (Dear treadmill chick, we aren't friends. Hugs, sarah). Eat one turkey lunch. Play Seinfeld Scene It? as a gesture in family bonding. Go to S's aunt's house. Drink booze. Eat some dip and then eat some turkey. Missed the Real Housewives of Orange County. Got to watch A&M play a game against Texas. Played Catch Phrase (the girls dominated the boys)...

...this is where it gets really good...

...Lord only knows what we are talking about and S announces to his family that I blog. He gives them the name of my blog. My future sister-in-law tries to Google it, but can't remember the name and I won't tell her (she told me she was a Master Googler and could find ANYTHING...I wanted her to earn her title). So then she goes in the other room and asks S and he tells her and she finds it.

(Sidenote: Hi future in-laws! Thanks for hosting Thanksgiving! So great to see you all!)

The good news is that my future mother and father-in-law only have dial-up internet and really don't ever get on the computer (I have never seen their computer but S insists they have one and an internet connection). And the people who heard S's blog announcement are the cousins (and his brothers) and I don't have to censor my content for them. Plus, I have never talked about them before so I didn't even have to go back and delete any old content. EVERYONE WINS!

Friday: Winery day. I gear up for this day all year. This year we went somewhere new. None of us can handle change very well, so I am pretty sure we are going back to the old place next year.

This fancy lady is not me. This picture was on the winery website. I have no idea why.

Saturday: Shopping. Got my birthday gift early (thanks, S!). Dinner party that night.

Sunday: Get home from the party at 1AM. Fire alarm goes off at 1:45 or 2. Jerks are lucky I wasn't asleep or HEADS WOULD HAVE ROLLED. Stand outside in the cold. Watch 6 firetrucks show up. Gawk at the hoosiers in the wedding party who pulled the fire alarm and try not to kill them with my stink eye. Wake up late because I was UP LATE BECAUSE OF THE FIRE ALARM. Let the desk know that because of this interruption, we will not be checking out on time. Back to Houston.

I think we all remember this.

Overall, the trip was a success. We had a great time. Met a cousin's new girlfriend. Drank a lot and stayed up way too late. This was the first Thanksgiving that I have gone to the StL and it didn't snow (that maybe gave me the sads).

I am the most excited about the fact that we FLEW this year as opposed to last year's ROAD TRIP FROM HELL. Actually, the drive up wasn't terrible, it was the trip home that made me want to die. I am pretty sure it wasn't any better for S who drove THE WHOLE 15 HOURS (that's a one-way trip...that he drove both ways) BY HIMSELF because he is a rockstar and I am a whiner and a terrible driver (I had the super important task of DJ).

Doesn't the dog look thrilled to be on our road trip last year?

*This is monumental because after the whole HHR debacle, S swore I would never be allowed to choose our rental again. And when the guy offered us the Nitro I said yes before S had a chance to decline.

**The Doubletree gives free warm cookies to everyone. One of the main reasons I insist we stay there every T-giving. S insists on it because it's "convenient."

Am I the only one who has seen this?

2009-12-01T14:58:00.004-06:00

I know you guys are anxiously waiting my full recap of Thanksgiving. Please keep your pants on...it's coming at some point.

Did anyone else hear about this ad? Is it wrong that when I see it, I sort of giggle a little bit because damn that would be an awkward Thanksgiving.*

*I am not a vegan. And don't support PETA. Take your hatemail elsewhere.

FOUND.

2009-12-01T07:48:00.001-06:00

...Except not so much found as much as had to evacuate the hotel at 2AM Sunday morning to stand in the cold because some jackass pulled the fire alarm. Awesome.

A Special Post.

2009-11-24T09:47:00.009-06:00

I was going to save this little gem for later, but I am being harassed in the comments of the last post for being lazy.

Thursday is a very special day. I'm not talking about Indians and Pilgrims and the Mayflower and all that jazz. I am talking about the birthday of everyone's second favorite blogger...

MARTINIS OR DIAPER GENIES?

(No, I am not asking if it is her birthday. It's the name of her damn blog.)

Some possible birthday gifts for MODG:
- Depends (she has shit herself before and old age probably isn't going to make that go away any time soon)

- bootleg copies of the previous seasons of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team (Netflix doesn't carry them...she checked)
- an autographed picture of Suri Cruise

- kitty wigs

Since I figure most of you people are like me and unlikely to spend your Thanksgiving blogging or reading blogs (or maybe you are...what the the hell do I know), leave her some birthday wishes in the comments*.

*And please leave birthday wishes. Don't tell me how silly the pictures are or how you wish your cat had a wig unless you are ALSO leaving birthday love. Trust me, MODG is a mean bitch. She will come after us all.

Try Not To Miss Me.

2009-11-24T08:06:00.004-06:00

I have so much to say today, but none of it is really cohesive, so deal with it.

- We took our engagement pictures this weekend. I have no idea how they went. My facial expressions varied between maniacal smiling and scowling (I haven't seen the proofs, the photographer just kept saying "don't look so angry" repeatedly). I didn't take most of your advice on shoes. I went with the gold ones mainly because I am awesome and they sparkled. S says I can't publish them on the blog. If this upsets you, please direct your complaints to him, not me. Maybe if you guys show him how mad you are, he will change his mind, but maybe not. It would probably be best to leave him compliments (boys are easy to persuade).

- Last night, the Houston Texans played a football game on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. I say this in all caps because apparently I am supposed to care about this. I do not care about the NFL. What I do care about is the fact that they creates ridiculous traffic problems all over the city causing my one week of work that is supposed to be TRAFFIC FREE to be a TOTAL EFFING NIGHTMARE. I was surrounded by people in jerseys in traffic and I didn't like it one bit.

- This is my last day posting for the week. It's okay if this gives you the sads. It happens to most people when they know I won't be around. The good news for me is that this is my last day of work for the week and I am off to Missoura (I know it has an "i" at the end, but that's how all the hoosiers say it...I'm trying to get into the spirit of the state) until Sunday. AND WE ARE FLYING THIS YEAR (sidenote: last year I got the GENIUS idea to drive and S who never listens to me, listened to me and it sucked...actually the ride up didn't suck but the ride home was AWFUL). Lord knows I will come back with some stories.

In the meantime, leave your favorite Thanksgiving memory in the comments. (I will even leave the very first comment for you guys to show you how it's done. You're welcome.)

BECAUSE IT'S MY BLOG. AND I CAN.

2009-11-23T14:27:00.002-06:00

Source

PANIC ATTACK.

2009-11-23T10:55:00.002-06:00

So I woke up around 3:30 this morning and had a full-fledged panic attack.

Amazing. Except not really.

I had a dream that even once I woke up I swore was real...

In my dream, I was planning on wearing my mother's wedding dress. (In real life, I am not.) In the dream, the dress looked nothing like my mother's actual wedding dress, but I just knew it was her dress (dreams are tricky like that).

I was on my final fitting a week before the wedding and we realized that the flowy skirt wasn't actually a skirt...IT WAS PANTS!

I literally was sitting in my apartment this morning losing my shit until I realized...wait a minute...I just tried on my actual dress last week and it isn't my mother's. Duh!

And then I went back to sleep.

11 more months of this, people. Deal with it.

The Only Thing I Love More Than Complimenting Myself...

2009-11-19T09:39:00.004-06:00

...Is Hearing Others Compliment Me...

...and getting blog awards is basically the same thing as people complimenting me IN A PUBLIC FORUM.

Seriously, you people know how to get in good with me.

First up, Miss Emily Anne gave me the Este Blog e Super Fofo award. Loosely translated (thank you 11 years of Spanish) means "This Blog is Super Flop" but when I clicked the picture to save it, the name that came up was "Super Cute Blog Award" which completely applies to me so I am going to take it as a good thing.

The next award given to me is from Cee over at Curiosity and it is "The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award" which just sounds fancy, so naturally she thought of me...

Whenever you get an award, you are supposed to follow the "award rules" but that's not really my style, so I am just going to leave you kids with some random factoids about moi...

- I am obsessed with Dateline, 20/20, Investigation Discovery, and 48 Hours. S has already forbidden me from watching Black Widow Week (about wives who kill their husbands, not the spiders) on ID next week.

- I am not interested in vampires (I have mentioned it before, but I feel like it needs to be repeated). I do love ghosts and aliens.

- I think cats are uninteresting pets. Unless you put wigs on them. Then I support it.

- I think Nickleback is the most terrible band ever. Followed very closely by Creed (one of S's FAVE bands).

- I love myself. Seriously. So if you want to leave me compliments in the comment section, feel free. If I get something really great, I may even brag about you.

Magic and Other Awesomeness.

2009-11-18T08:29:00.006-06:00

Last weekend I made the biggest mistake of my life when I went out drinking. No, I didn't drink & drive.

Instead, on Friday night, I decided to start ordering "alcoholic Shirley Temples." (For those of you that are wondering, this is basically vodka, and grenadine with a lime)

The result was a picture like this on the interwebs:

This photo really is on the internet somewhere other than this blog. I did you the favor of cropping out my bra strap.

And the WORST HANGOVER OF MY LIFE.

So then I convinced S to leave the house so we could go eat this:

So damn delicious. I am not even kidding. Not pictured, a diet coke from the fountain (a post-drinking MUST).

And then I was magically cured from my hangover. Temporarily. (later I barfed)

On to unrelated things, I have somehow gotten on the mailing list for a store called Journey's. This is intriguing because I have never in my life shopped at this store. Ever.

But like I said, I'm somehow on the mailing list. Lucky for them, I flip through just about every catalog that comes to my house and I found this:

I am not a t-shirt person. No real reason. It's just not something I wear unless I am at the gym or pretending that I just worked out or cleaning house. But this shirt is enough to make me want to change my ways.

Jesus, is it Friday yet?

MOST. IMPORTANT. DECISION. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

2009-11-17T07:28:00.008-06:00

Not really, but probably pretty close.

S and I are having our engagement pictures taken this Sunday. And because I am neurotic a planner, I have been going over my potential outfits for a couple of weeks now. The plan is to do some casual photos and then some dressier ones. Even better, I decided with a week to go before pictures, maybe I should watch what I eat and go to the gym. Strategy for success if I ever heard it.

I have the casual outfit in the bag. No question about it. Some trouser jeans, a sweater and some heels. Enthralling, I know.

The dressier outfit is a short black dress (you don't have to tell me how original that is) and one of two pairs of shoes.

And here is where you make THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF YOUR LIFE...

Which pair should I choose?

The first pair:

The second pair:

I also have some dark red (NOT burgundy) suede heels that are similar in shape to the leopard and are also under consideration.

Which should it be? Gold? Leopard? All of the above because they are both so fabulous? None of the above because they are tacky as hell?*

UPDATE: I am going to choose between two black dresses that are pretty similar (one hasn't arrived yet, but should be here today)...both are jersey** (but neither is casual...does that even make sense?).

*Please note, I may completely disregard whatever the hell you guys say, but that doesn't mean I don't care.

**Jersey as in cotton jersey. Not as in "Dirrrty Jersey."

Found (An Update).

2009-11-13T11:23:00.005-06:00

I wanted to update my loyal readers on the mystery incident chronicled in my last edition of Found.

Per the request of one of my few stalkers followers that I know won't delete me just because I don't agree with her (even what she says is really dumb), I posted the following picture in the bathroom...

For a closer view...

So far no one has stepped forward to claim their missing corn. I will keep you all updated.

Happy Weekending.

FOUND.

2009-11-11T09:17:00.004-06:00

This was found yesterday afternoon in the ladies' restroom at my office (right by the toilet).

Your eyes are not deceiving you...that is a kernel of corn.

I am simultaneously freaked out by its presence and fascinated by how it got there (so of course I took a picture).

Off to a good start...

2009-11-10T08:37:00.003-06:00

Last night S and I had our first official marriage class. In said marriage class, we had to take our FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study) Couple Inventory (sounds official, no?)...

This test asks a bunch of questions...some pertinent (finances, children, religion), some awkward (homosexual tendencies, sexual preferences)...and it is your job to lie to make yourselves sound better be honest with yourself about your relationship.

The lady who leads the class (and who coincidentally is also the annulment coordinator) gave us strict instructions not to discuss the test or our answers until our tests were completed and we were out of the room.

After the test the following conversation occurs:
Me: *laughing* God! That test was so random! I told you they would ask about joint checking accounts!
S: Yeah. That was an exact question too! Did you answer honestly on all of them?
Me: For the most part. Some questions were worded a little weird though.
S: I answered with what I thought I were the right answers... *pause* ...except one I answered honestly... *dramatic pause*
Me: Uh oh.
S: Ha! I put that my partner watches too much TV.

So now I am going to have to discuss with a priest my Bravo/DCC addiction. Fantastic.

Utter. Deliciousness.

2009-11-04T13:48:00.004-06:00

I would like to dedicate this post to whoever (whomever?) once Googled "cool exciting chicken dinners" and wound up on my site. Hopefully this time they will stay longer than a minute.

Disclaimer: I don't cook, nor do I play one on TV. I have no idea if this is the same recipe I am talking about, but it seems like it should be. Take any food related advice I give you with a grain of salt.

This weekend, pre-trick-or-treating joke telling, I had the most delicious dip ever created: Hot Wing Chicken Dip (capitalized because it deserves RESPECT).

I will warn you, SOME PEOPLE who don't like delicious combinations like cottage cheese and jalapeno chips, don't like this dip (*cough cough* S *cough cough*). But they also don't like guacamole, so in matters of dip, they should not be consulted.

Apparently it is for sale in grocery stores, although not in any grocery store I have called (yes, I may have spent Monday morning calling around...please don't judge).

So I did what I always do in these sorts of situations...I googled.

And I found the recipe*:

Hot Wing Chicken Dip - Lindsey's**
8oz Ranch dressing (I use Hidden Valley)
8oz Whipped cream cheese
8oz Hot Sauce(We like Budweiser's hot sauce)
4-5 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1. Cook Chicken(I just boiled mine)
2. Let cool and then shred
3. Mix everything together
4. Place in a 13x9 baking dish and bake on 350 until is is bubbling all over (about 20-30 minutes)
Serve with tortilla chips (I like the scoops...it is a chunky dip so these chips make it easier to eat)
This is a really good app.

This picture makes the dip look gross. It is not gross. It is AMAZING.

*Like I said, I have no idea if this is the same dip...I haven't tried to make it yet, so use at your own risk. But it did come from the Saint Peters Playgroup Cookbook (and S has been pulled over in Saint Peters) and the second time I had it this weekend was in Saint Peters, so I am guessing it's pretty legit. If not, blame Lindsey.

**I don't know Lindsey, but I tried to correct some of her glaring grammatical errors. Note to self: when submitting your recipe for publication in the neighborhood cookbook, use spell check.

Why I Should Be A Cheerleader.

2009-11-03T09:07:00.009-06:00

This post is in response to the one made by Amanda (of MODG "fame") and my attempt to beat her in Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders googlers (this is serious stuff here people).

I will start with some background information...
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team is on CMT (and has been for SEVERAL seasons...get with it). How did I find a show on CMT you might ask? Great question. Part of my Secret Single Behavior is that I sometimes (when S is out of town, obviously) watch bad country music videos (I don't even like country music) and dance around his condo (this is not the time for judgment).

One day, while engaging in such behavior I saw a preview for DCC:MtT and was instantly fascinated. And my obsession was born.

Even better, it has replaced my previous SSB and now I watch DCC:MtT and dance around his condo practicing my routines (obviously).

This might just be my favorite show of all time (please don't tell Bravo I cheat on them with CMT...they would be devastated). First of all, it is about cheerleaders. Ladies, this is a surefire way to get your manfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever else on the reality TV bandwagon. They will not be able to resist. Also, this show provides ample opportunities to judge the shortcomings of others. Trust me.

And now for the reasons I would make a fantastic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (sidenote: the only football team I am interested in becoming a professional cheerleader for is Dallas. I am not a Cowboys fan or a fan of the NFL in general, but for this job, I would be willing to fake it):

1) My hair. I was born a blonde and I will die a blonde, even if it means taking matters into my own hands (and by my own, I mean a professional). Also, I'm not opposed to getting a weave (or using a Bump-It) to achieve maximum volume. Being beautiful isn't easy people. (Note to Amanda: don't worry, there are a few token brunettes...not too many though)

Yes, they show up like this to practice. But remember, you represent the DCC. You must always look your best.

2) Body fat percentage calculations. Day 2 of training camp they calculate your fat. I admit this might make me slightly more neurotic than usual. During this process you get asked lots of questions like, is this a comfortable weight for you? Is this a little heavier than you usually are? This is the one area where the DCC is not concerned with politeness. But can you blame them? Nobody likes a fatty.

This is Jay. He is the boot camp instructor. He was also on Wife Swap once. He will make sure you're not fat.

3) Last season they made a girl read a biography on Jackie O. so she could learn to be more graceful in her mannerisms (don't worry, she got cut). Lucky for the DCC, I am well versed in manners, even if I don't always use them. I can try my very best to keep all eye rolling and snarky comments to myself (until they turn around). And I won't even wear a black face costume (Editor's note: Thank you so much to the all-knowing MODG for alerting me to this news).

The girl with the curly hair is Megan. She got cut for not keeping her rude ass in check.

4) I would be absolutely amazing at Kelli and Judy's jobs. Amazing. Judging others harshly is one of the things that I do best. The only catch is that they were both former members of the DCC (which is how they got their positions). So basically, I need to get on the squad so I can move on to my ultimate goal of Team Director. (Fun fact: Kelli was asked back for her fifth season with the Cowboys by the director without even having to audition)

When you get called into the office. You are in trouble and probably about to get cut for being fat or not kicking high enough.

5) Experience with DCC has taught me that one of the most important things you can bring to the table as a member of the team is your high kick. The kick line is what they are known for. It is a classic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader move. I have plenty of experience high kicking, especially when I am drunk. If we are at a tailgate and I have been drinking heavily, you can almost guarantee that I will be working on my technique. It's a gift, really.

These bitches have nothing on me.

In short, all of the things that would have made me amazing in pageants (had my parents loved me enough to put me in them) would make me perfect for the DCC. See you all at try outs in Spring 2010.

Not just anyone can wear this uniform, ladies.

For those of you who asked...

2009-11-03T09:02:00.002-06:00

...trick-or-treating while practicing your stand-up act goes something like this...

*Knock on the door*

Kids: "Trick or treat"
Candy person: "Happy Halloween, do you have a joke?"
And the kid tells the joke.

This is what the 3 1/2 year old dressed as Tigger brought to the table:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
*cue laughter*

Opinions Needed (Halloween Edition)

2009-11-02T08:57:00.004-06:00

S and I spent Halloween in St. Louis trick-or-treating with some friends who have kids (don't be jealous). Here's my question:

Have you ever heard that you have to tell a joke when you get candy?

Is this a Midwest thing or a Missouri thing or just a St. Louis thing?

We never did anything like that in Houston. Maybe Houston missed the trend?

When we were kids, you said "trick or treat," you opened your candy bag and complete strangers gave you candy. No need for jokes. Trick or treating was not amateur hour.

Am I the only one who has never heard about this?

Sidenote: I have repeatedly tried to get S to rent a PT Cruiser when we go on trips (it's a matter of principle, people). He always refuses. Then this weekend, he had a lapse of judgment and allowed me to pick the car (something tells me this will never happen again). Here is what we spent the weekend in:

In Honor of Having No Time...

2009-10-29T08:04:00.004-05:00

This week, I have actually had to work while at work (the horror!) and I have been more than busy at home, so in honor of me being more ~~popular~~ busy than usual, I am going to take a page from Sarah (good name!) at SkinnyRunner and tell you who you should go check out (this list isn't short...I am trying to include something for everyone):

SkinnyRunner: She's funny. And she runs. Since I am not really a "workout" sort of gal, I feel like I burn some calories when I read her race reports. Oh and she fishes a few months a year in Alaska.

Martinis or Diaper Genies?: Look, we all know she's obsessed with me. So go over there and make her feel cool. She needs it. She doesn't get out much.

The Franzia Files: I know her in real life. She's funny. Once her husband ran over the third row seats to their Tahoe while driving the Tahoe. Go over to her blog and ask her about it.

Scented Glossy Magazines: All Bravo. All the time. Enough said. (Except when she posts pictures of her husband's butt)

Just Shoe Me: Go read about the random things that happen to Stephanie.

Millitini Straight Up, With a Twist: I'm not sure how I originally found her, but now I am hooked.

Landlocked Bride: Great ideas for people planning a wedding (or a party) (or obsessed with weddings) (or who like to look at pretty things).

Life on a Hanger: She helps me kill time at work by Google chatting with me (S's assistant stopped answering my calls a long time ago). So props to her. She talks about clothes and music and random things (like hot dogs being dyed red).

(flash) pasteurized: We share a mutual hate of cockroaches and a love of Purell. But I will warn you, she has a long list of allergies so if you ever hang with her in real life, be prepared to use an EpiPen.

And in honor of Halloween this weekend, leave your favorite (or absolute worst) Halloween costume in the comments. I want to hear all about it.

W W J D ?

2009-10-27T09:38:00.013-05:00

What Would Jen Do ?

Two things have sparked this post...

(1) My friend Jen had a birthday this weekend. If I had to guess, she's probably pretty old.
(2) I get a lot of catalogs in the mail and they all have left me with a sort of WTF feeling.

I feel like the styling in a catalog should make me WANT to purchase something, not make me beg a friend who's older than me for pictures of her so I can compare them and ask myself WTF. Am I wrong in this? (Don't answer that.)

Backtrack: I get a lot of catalogs in the mail. I really like clothes. Jen knows this. When she received her J. Crew catalog (back in September, I believe) she says to me (paraphrasing here): "Have you seen the latest J.Crew? WTF?"

My response: "Yeah, I don't get it."

Then she proceeds to tell me the story of how she used to work at The Limited and wore outfits styled very much like the Crew catalog all the time (obviously, she was a trendsetter).

Which led to me asking for the photographic evidence of all of this. Being a good friend, she turned them over to me, knowing full well that I was going to use them to mock her. See? That's what friends are for.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Lucky for us, readers, these photo include so many trends (ties with boxer shorts, unfortunately never made it big):

Boyfriend blazer...check!
Bonus points for rolled sleeves (which Jen neglected in her Holiday 1992 look), negative 5 points for insufficient layering and pairing with jeans...BORING!
Dressy shorts...check!
Missed potential for bonus points here because shorts are severely lacking a Christmas plaid.
Excessive layering...check! check! check!
Chambray shirt...check!
Bonus points for pairing it with shorts, minus 2 points for insufficient layering.
not seen in first photo...tights under shorts...check!
I think we all know where the styling went wrong here...clearly a lack of layers.

So leave Jen (belated) birthday love in the comments. She isn't so good of a friend that she actually reads my blog, but sometimes she has her husband read it to her, so make sure to leave comments that will sound even better coming from him.